Aftermath on couples after family visits
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Anonymous
| How many fights have you gotten into post-family gatherings? So. DH and I just got into a very heated argument after having spent a week with my family. We said a lot of hurtful things to each other. I hate spending extended periods of time with family for this very reason. It brings to the surface a lot of issues related to child rearing, family values, etc. DH and I are not in a good place right now. He is being very judgmental and I am being very defensive. It’s never easy (at least for me) spending time with my dysfunctional family. Add to that an "outsider" who wasn’t raised in that environment and things get uncomfortable REAL quick. |
Anonymous
| This is not normal. |
Anonymous
Hollywood movies indicate otherwise. |
Anonymous
|
Obviously don’t stay with your dysfunctional family for a WEEK. Cut back. Two nights max, maybe two more in a hotel.
[Excuses.] |
Anonymous
| I think it is common. It's happening to us now. A lot of it is my husband's notion of equity, whereby we should spent exactly the same amount of time with his extended family that we spend with mine. However, we do not see my family every year due to the distance and his family is local. Your dysfunctional family isn't your fault. It sounds to me like your husband needs to get over it. |
Anonymous
| Stay in a hotel and do a shorter visit. It's cheaper than a divorce or endless couple's therapy. |
Anonymous
| We have never gotten into fights after family visits. Family stays anywhere from 3-7 days at a time a few times a year. Both moms can be a little judgy and over involved, so its not like its an easy cake walk. But it just makes DH and I rely more heavily on each other. We know when one needs a break, we know.when one needs a MIL to back off, etc. My mom just left after spending a week with us, and 4 of those days we relied on a generator because we had no power. After she left we had some hot sex and are going out for a quiet dinner tonight since DS is at a friend's house. |
Anonymous
| No - we are never more of a team than when dealing with our kids in a difficult moment or other relatives. |
Anonymous
| OP I wouldn't say DH and I get into fights after every family visit, but I do find family visits exhausting and I'm completely emotionally spent. Consequently I have less patience with DH while I recover, which I'm sure he's noticed. Dysfunctional families of origin are tough. Its ok to cut back on visits. |
Anonymous
| I'm the OP from the "DH wants me to move out" thread. The problem I find is that DH wants me 'perform' during these visits but I don't go above and beyond. I told him to handle his sister's gift and he forgot to wrap it. And of course, she had to point out "Oh, you didnt wrap it?" since she did wrap ours nicely. I couldn't care less about gifts but he doesnt get it. |
Anonymous
| If I spent a week with my in-laws, someone would get shanked |
Anonymous
| OP here. I agree with those who say they’re emotionally exhausted after time with extended family. DH’s family is local so we’re always around them so their crazy has been "normalized." I’ve just had to deal with their sh!t as part of my regular life. So when DH is so judgmental when we’re around my family, it hurts. I’m already emotionally raw during these visits, but he just wants to emphasize that he doesn’t want to raise our kids in the way I was raised, or the way my sister is raising her kids, etc. Then I feel the need to stick up a little bit for my family so it turns into a shouting match. I’m just done, to be honest. I just want to live my life independent of his family and mine. I don’t want to spend the night at anyone’s house anymore. I just want to hotel or Airbnb. Funny thing is, I suggested this to DH in the past and his response- it would offend family members. Like I said, I’m done. |
Anonymous
The emotional labor of kinkeeping sucks. I don't even do any for my FOO because his drains all of my emotional energy. |
Anonymous
| We do, because my DH is that sad cliche of a man who thinks he is on vacation. It's exhausting because of all the skiing and keeping track of the kids stuff and all their outerwear and ski stuff and managing it all across my divorced parents' houses. He is sloppy with his own stuff and constantly asks me to help find things, which makes me ragey. He criticized me for not playing his family's weirdly complex card games, during that time I did all the laundry and most of the parenting work. I hate it. |
Anonymous
| Stay 3 days max. A week is way too long. |