MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Wow MIL, with the 168 hours in the week we will be together, I didn’t expect you to miss me so for the 2-3 hours I’ll be away.”

I don’t know maybe ask if she wants to get up extra early or stay up late one evening to make up for the lost time together. Of course if she is a night owl offer the early morning, or if a morning person offer to stay up late one night.

this.

[Anonymous]

If MIL insists on behaving like a spoiled child, then treat her like one.

[Anonymous]

Just ignore her. She is ridiculous, but no one is going to change her. Do what you want.

[Anonymous]

You got to spin it. I needed to to do this with my MIL for years to keep the peace and keep my sanity during visits. I would leave for hours.

“MIL, thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it so much and can go out for a few hours knowing the kids are in good hands and having quality Grandma time. You remember what it was like when you were a working mom with little ones. You can never catch your breath! I’ll be back in a few hours. Thanks for the break! Don’t get me wrong, Gary is a fantastic dad but only another woman really knows what I mean. See you soon! Text me if you want me to pick up anything from the store later. “

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You got to spin it. I needed to to do this with my MIL for years to keep the peace and keep my sanity during visits. I would leave for hours.

“MIL, thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it so much and can go out for a few hours knowing the kids are in good hands and having quality Grandma time. You remember what it was like when you were a working mom with little ones. You can never catch your breath! I’ll be back in a few hours. Thanks for the break! Don’t get me wrong, Gary is a fantastic dad but only another woman really knows what I mean. See you soon! Text me if you want me to pick up anything from the store later. “

TF? I would never throw my husband under the bus like that. “Only another woman really knows what I mean” WTF? My husband is a full parent and an equal partner and I’m not going to pretend otherwise to please an unreasonable, overbearing Boomer.

[Anonymous]

I mean…I intentionally plan as many things I can possibly do to get me out of the house when my ILs are here. They would probably prefer I didn’t exist, I was the vessel to provide the grandchildren they were desperate to have, love to brag about having to the other retirees, but have no actual interest in when they/we visit.

So my opinion is your MIL is BSC. (Bat shit crazy.) There is no way. No way. I could spend the entirety of an IL visit glued to my ILs. I would kill them. Or my husband. Or both. They stay for weeks at a time.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How is this a rare opportunity? Sounds like it's happened many times and MIL has seen it happen before. Sounds like this happens every time it's "her turn" for the holidays. Just own that you plan to see your family every time and work out a plan that your husband entertains her for a few hours. But stop pretending this is a once in a life time opportunity that can't be missed. You do it often enough that it's become an issue.

OP here. Well, it’s like this. Let’s say Family Wisconsin visits for Christmas, but this is the first Christmas in 4 years that the stars have aligned that they are here visiting their sister (instead of in Wisconsin or at their parents’ house in Illinois), or let’s say Family Mississippi happens to be here for the first time in 3 years because of COVID and because they visited other side of the family other years. So yes, while there have sometimes been family around to visit, it’s a rotating cast of characters, and at any time, I probably haven’t seen individual people in a few years. That’s just the way it shakes out, logistically. So I guess the constant is, there is someone I haven’t seen in a long time around to see, but the variable is who that person is.

So why isn't husband stepping up to entertain his mom with this predictable break in the inlaw visit? Isn't that the obvious solution?

Ignore these people- I think both you and your husband are handling this just fine! There is no need for extra special events every single day/evening when family visiting for several days. The events your husband has planned while you are visiting with your family sound great!
OP here. He is! DH is playing it up like, “While Jessica goes out with her cousins, we’re having make your own pizza night—it’s the kids’ favorite! Kids, aren’t you excited for grandma to help with pizzas?” He’s even done activities like take them out to see a light show and other fun holiday things. He’s also asked her to teach our kids how to make her special Christmas cookies. DH is great about it. So is FIL, for that matter—FIL just asks after my family and tells me to have a great time.

To be honest that doesn't sound super special. While you're out for dinner why doesn't he take her out for dinner? He should plan a little better.

OP here. After Christmas Eve church service and DH making their traditional Christmas Eve meal, then me making a beautiful holiday meal on Christmas Day and having them be part of the magic on Christmas morning, how much more “super special” is needed? DH also asks if there’s anything they want to do—see a movie, go to the Nutcracker, etc., etc., and they never want to get out of the house much. Honestly asking: after a full traditional Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, how much more “special” really is there? What would you propose, specifically?

Let your husband figure it out. It's his mother. You have a husband problem.

In what way? He always sticks up for me going and plans specific things for them to do while I’m gone. Can you please elaborate on what, specifically, he should be doing differently other than to back me up and engage them while I’m out? Do you think him talking to them directly will get anywhere? Honestly asking. -OP

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound nice and reasonable. There is zero reason you should feel guilty to pop out for. Few hours to catch up with extended family. Do not stop doing that to cave to your BSC MIL. You should ignore. You husband should mostly continue what he’s doing, but if she says something snarky, he should call her out. Something like, “Mom, knock it off. This is unique time for Susie to see extended family she rarely gets to see.”

If she persists, then he should tell her that you all will leave a day early, stay in a hotel and catch up with them that way.

She sounds insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Give her a stern look, wag your fingers and say "Edith, behave!!".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You got to spin it. I needed to to do this with my MIL for years to keep the peace and keep my sanity during visits. I would leave for hours.

“MIL, thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it so much and can go out for a few hours knowing the kids are in good hands and having quality Grandma time. You remember what it was like when you were a working mom with little ones. You can never catch your breath! I’ll be back in a few hours. Thanks for the break! Don’t get me wrong, Gary is a fantastic dad but only another woman really knows what I mean. See you soon! Text me if you want me to pick up anything from the store later. “

Ew.

[Anonymous]

Personally I’d laugh in her face and say of course I’m visiting with my family when I’m able! When someone says something ridiculous, you laugh about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s weird that she would care especially if it’s just you leaving. I would think she might enjoy having her son to herself. I do think it’s fine to take the kids with you for a couple hours too though if they have cousins to see. Just leave your husband there with the parents. His presence should be sufficient for a couple hour.

To answer your question , I’d just smile, ignore, and do what you want.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. (Both my parents and my ILs live 5+ hours away.)

I happen to have local family, and when their siblings/parents visit for the holidays, there’s a bit of a “hub” here and a rare opportunity for me to see aunts, uncles and cousins who live as far away as Mississippi and Wisconsin. It doesn’t always work out that I’m here while they’re visiting, or they’re visiting while I’m here, etc., because everyone visits other places sometimes or sees their ILs, etc.

This year, Christmas will be with my ILs who will be staying with us for several days. We actually see them quite often, between holidays, summer vacations and random long weekends.

The known problem: MIL gets very huffy when I take a little time to see my extended family during “her turn.” Note that I don’t even see my family on actual Christmas Day or usually even on Christmas Eve, and when I am gone, it’s for basically a meal. (Sometimes girl cousins and aunts meet at a restaurant for an evening out, for example, or I might just roll up and hang out at my aunt’s house for a few hours to say hi to everyone and have a drink or bagels or whatever.) I don’t even always take the kids with me, because I don’t want to take grandkid time away from my ILs.

I know it’s going to come up again this year with her passive aggressive comments about “It’s OUR turn for Christmas” or “Again? Didn’t you just see them at Easter” or whatever. And no, I don’t want to invite MIL along because she’s been rude to my family in the past, and I don’t want to waste rare cousin time babysitting her while she pouts in the corner and can’t carry on pleasant conversation like a grown adult. Any ideas for how I can address this? Or should I just smile, ignore, and do what I’m gonna do, and leave her to her huffy remarks?

Maybe it’s about parity. Would the situation improve of DH could sneak out for a few hours to visit his mom when it ISN’T her turn? You know, if MIL “just happened” to be in town on a particular day near the holidays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. (Both my parents and my ILs live 5+ hours away.)

I happen to have local family, and when their siblings/parents visit for the holidays, there’s a bit of a “hub” here and a rare opportunity for me to see aunts, uncles and cousins who live as far away as Mississippi and Wisconsin. It doesn’t always work out that I’m here while they’re visiting, or they’re visiting while I’m here, etc., because everyone visits other places sometimes or sees their ILs, etc.

This year, Christmas will be with my ILs who will be staying with us for several days. We actually see them quite often, between holidays, summer vacations and random long weekends.

The known problem: MIL gets very huffy when I take a little time to see my extended family during “her turn.” Note that I don’t even see my family on actual Christmas Day or usually even on Christmas Eve, and when I am gone, it’s for basically a meal. (Sometimes girl cousins and aunts meet at a restaurant for an evening out, for example, or I might just roll up and hang out at my aunt’s house for a few hours to say hi to everyone and have a drink or bagels or whatever.) I don’t even always take the kids with me, because I don’t want to take grandkid time away from my ILs.

I know it’s going to come up again this year with her passive aggressive comments about “It’s OUR turn for Christmas” or “Again? Didn’t you just see them at Easter” or whatever. And no, I don’t want to invite MIL along because she’s been rude to my family in the past, and I don’t want to waste rare cousin time babysitting her while she pouts in the corner and can’t carry on pleasant conversation like a grown adult. Any ideas for how I can address this? Or should I just smile, ignore, and do what I’m gonna do, and leave her to her huffy remarks?

Maybe it’s about parity. Would the situation improve of DH could sneak out for a few hours to visit his mom when it ISN’T her turn? You know, if MIL “just happened” to be in town on a particular day near the holidays?

OP here. I totally wouldn't care. I don't see how that would logistically work, but he already does "sneak out" during holidays and visits with my family to see his friends and stuff, including a full-on ski trip. The dynamic is not he's locked in with my family when they visit, and I'm free to do as I please when his family visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. (Both my parents and my ILs live 5+ hours away.)

I happen to have local family, and when their siblings/parents visit for the holidays, there’s a bit of a “hub” here and a rare opportunity for me to see aunts, uncles and cousins who live as far away as Mississippi and Wisconsin. It doesn’t always work out that I’m here while they’re visiting, or they’re visiting while I’m here, etc., because everyone visits other places sometimes or sees their ILs, etc.

This year, Christmas will be with my ILs who will be staying with us for several days. We actually see them quite often, between holidays, summer vacations and random long weekends.

The known problem: MIL gets very huffy when I take a little time to see my extended family during “her turn.” Note that I don’t even see my family on actual Christmas Day or usually even on Christmas Eve, and when I am gone, it’s for basically a meal. (Sometimes girl cousins and aunts meet at a restaurant for an evening out, for example, or I might just roll up and hang out at my aunt’s house for a few hours to say hi to everyone and have a drink or bagels or whatever.) I don’t even always take the kids with me, because I don’t want to take grandkid time away from my ILs.

I know it’s going to come up again this year with her passive aggressive comments about “It’s OUR turn for Christmas” or “Again? Didn’t you just see them at Easter” or whatever. And no, I don’t want to invite MIL along because she’s been rude to my family in the past, and I don’t want to waste rare cousin time babysitting her while she pouts in the corner and can’t carry on pleasant conversation like a grown adult. Any ideas for how I can address this? Or should I just smile, ignore, and do what I’m gonna do, and leave her to her huffy remarks?

Maybe it’s about parity. Would the situation improve of DH could sneak out for a few hours to visit his mom when it ISN’T her turn? You know, if MIL “just happened” to be in town on a particular day near the holidays?

OP here. I totally wouldn't care. I don't see how that would logistically work, but he already does "sneak out" during holidays and visits with my family to see his friends and stuff, including a full-on ski trip. The dynamic is not he's locked in with my family when they visit, and I'm free to do as I please when his family visits.

The PP didn’t read that your MIL is 5 hours away. She’s suggesting that if you step out for 2.5 hours to see your extended family then when your family is there DH must step out to see her for 2.5 hours as payback.

Besides, it’s a bad idea to encourage MIL’s crappy this is MY time and you OWE me if you step out. MIL won’t care if your family is normal and doesn’t bat an eye f your husband does things n his own when your family is there. She wants payback for her. She’s wrong and you should ignore her.