MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits

[Anonymous]

DH and I alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. (Both my parents and my ILs live 5+ hours away.)

I happen to have local family, and when their siblings/parents visit for the holidays, there’s a bit of a “hub” here and a rare opportunity for me to see aunts, uncles and cousins who live as far away as Mississippi and Wisconsin. It doesn’t always work out that I’m here while they’re visiting, or they’re visiting while I’m here, etc., because everyone visits other places sometimes or sees their ILs, etc.

This year, Christmas will be with my ILs who will be staying with us for several days. We actually see them quite often, between holidays, summer vacations and random long weekends.

The known problem: MIL gets very huffy when I take a little time to see my extended family during “her turn.” Note that I don’t even see my family on actual Christmas Day or usually even on Christmas Eve, and when I am gone, it’s for basically a meal. (Sometimes girl cousins and aunts meet at a restaurant for an evening out, for example, or I might just roll up and hang out at my aunt’s house for a few hours to say hi to everyone and have a drink or bagels or whatever.) I don’t even always take the kids with me, because I don’t want to take grandkid time away from my ILs.

I know it’s going to come up again this year with her passive aggressive comments about “It’s OUR turn for Christmas” or “Again? Didn’t you just see them at Easter” or whatever. And no, I don’t want to invite MIL along because she’s been rude to my family in the past, and I don’t want to waste rare cousin time babysitting her while she pouts in the corner and can’t carry on pleasant conversation like a grown adult. Any ideas for how I can address this? Or should I just smile, ignore, and do what I’m gonna do, and leave her to her huffy remarks?

[Anonymous]

Tell her you're going to urgent care for some intestinal issues.

[Anonymous]

Can you ask your dh to tell her to cool it with the unnecessary comments? Then if she keeps at it just smile and say "yup!" And let it go. You can't control how she feels.

[Anonymous]

Is she a person who can be reasoned with, or not? If she is, you should have a chat about the conflict. If she’s not (seems like she’s not) you just gotta let it roll off your back.

[Anonymous]

Where is your DH when this happens? Can you frame it as "I'll give you (MIL) a chance for some quality time with your son" ?

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I think it’s rude to have guests stay at your house, and then leave for other social events like this.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to tell her to cut it out.

Reading all these threads make me so embarrassed for older women who act like children. It's so gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I think it’s rude to have guests stay at your house, and then leave for other social events like this.

So would you prefer for OP and her family to cut the visit short, move to a hotel, and visit her relatives from there?

OP, maybe your DH should offer that to his mother as an option.

[Anonymous]

so, you see them frequently, they are staying at your house, she is your MIL not your mom. idk why she would care! she is not there to see you. she is there to see DH and the kids.

i would talk with DH about this and let him handle it.

i don't see a problem with dipping out once or twice over multi-day live in visit from the ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I think it’s rude to have guests stay at your house, and then leave for other social events like this.

If ILs visited once a year, you’d have a leg to stand on. But they vacation with them and see them for holidays and other visits throughout the year? Yeah, no. ILs don’t get multi-day visits several days a year and then complain if OP goes out to dinner with her own family.

Plus, it’s her FAMILY that are visiting from far-flung locations. If this were her going out for girls’ nights with local friends, again, you’d have a leg to stand on. But if you get one chance a year or every other year to see your cousin from Wisconsin, you take it. Period.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is ridiculous! You are not going clubbing with the girlfriends, you are visiting your family for a few hours. Enlist your husband to tell her to cut out the snark. MIL doesn’t own you.

[Anonymous]

“Yes, it IS your turn for Christmas, which is why I need a nice break for a few hours. Bye!” Big smile, end scene.

[Anonymous]

Come on, OP. You’re an adult. Stop posting here to manufacture drama. If you have to crowd source what to do when your MIL makes a passive aggressive comment as you leave for a few hours to see family, you must be just as immature as your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her now. If she’s passive aggressive just ignore it. But if she genuinely expresses disappointment just say you are sorry it’s upsetting to her but you want to see your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on, OP. You’re an adult. Stop posting here to manufacture drama. If you have to crowd source what to do when your MIL makes a passive aggressive comment as you leave for a few hours to see family, you must be just as immature as your MIL.

OP here. I am an adult, which is why I’m open to being told I’m wrong! I know how rare DCUM consensus is (especially in Family Relationships), so if the majority of posters said it was rude to pop out for a few hours here or there during IL visits, I would take that to heart.