How do I stop the gifting insanity at the holidays?

[Anonymous]

For my siblings: we buy 1 big gift each for the 5 kids (who are teens) and a couple gift for my 2 siblings+spouses and parents (usually a consumable).

My for my in-laws, we have to buy multiple gifts for everyone. Fortunately, it's just my in-laws and my husband's sister who is single and does not have children, so we end up spending the same amount on both of our families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now that my husband and I have grown siblings with families of their own, the gifting at the holidays has gotten out of hand. We have 4 sets of grandparents (multiple divorces), 11 nieces and nephews, and multiple sets of married siblings. My little sister’s birthday is on Christmas and she loves the holiday so any time I have raised the issue (“hey, maybe we could scale the gifts back this year now that we all have families of our own…”) with my family my mom always acts like I’m being Scrooge (“you know you need to talk to your sister about it because Christmas is her favorite holiday and it’s her birthday.”). I have raised the issue with my sister and she gets sad, so the most I’ve been able to do is convince her that my siblings don’t need to buy for each other. But that means I still end up buying for 11 nieces and nephews when we all have way too many toys, anyway. My DH and I also stretched to buy a house last year so I know me bringing this up will be perceived by my family as me being cheap and having spent too much on our house (our families live outside the DMV and don’t understand the real estate market here).

How can I let people know we want to stop buying gifts for everyone without looking like the cheap ahole? Our families are scattered and don’t get together at the holidays, and attempts to buy smaller gifts I have made in the past have pissed people off (my MIL once hurled a “all you got me for Christmas was that little calendar” at my DH - which was a custom wood block calendar I had made just for her with pictures of her grandkids. DH said he would get her something else that year and never did). I just do not have it in me this year to figure out gifts that every family member can buy for my kids and to tend to their excessive questions and expectations, nor do I want to purchase a million gifts for family members who either don’t need them (adults) or kids who already have too much stuff.

In my husband's family, the siblings and spouses used to a do a Secret Santa that had turned into a gift grab over the years. It was a $100 limit, but then it was ok to ask for something "a little" over $100. You were expected to let everyone know, through the grapevine style, what you wanted and then your Secret Santa would buy it for you. I hated it, but dutifully bought the $150 item someone wanted and got my item in return.

Until my SIL (bless her), brought it all to crashing halt one year when she texted all of us right after Thanksgiving and said that due to their financial obligations they could no longer participate. Hooray!

It's never even talked about anymore.

Will you p**** some people off? Yes, that's inevitable. But go ahead and free yourself. Just send a text - soon - saying you are focusing more on experiences or whatever, and you won't be able to participate in the gift giving this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would send an email to all adult family members that this you instead of gifts you will be making a donation to a specific charity. I would chose one of our local food banks as being able to eat is a basic human right.

You may get some blow back but oh well. It's important to notify your family before they have purchased gifts for your family.

Also in your email, I'd state that you do not expect any gifts for your immediate family.

You can only control what you do. You cannot make others change their minds or their habits.

Good luck!

I would rather get nothing than a note from OP saying that they made a gift in my name to a charity. Yuck. That kind of crap makes me mad. It is obviously all about the OP feeling good about their "gift" while giving me and mine the shaft. It tells me everything I need to know about OP and none of it is good.

Ooooh, Christmas anger. Now there's the holiday spirit! Time to go out and buy some ugly polyblend hats and scarves that no one wants. It's all about the stuff, right?

No, that isn't what I said at all. What I said is that the OP making a charitable donation in my name makes OP feel good and does nothing for me. So...is the purpose of the gift to make the recipient happy or to make the giver happy. You say it is all about the giver with your response. I beg to differ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a donation to a charity and wrote a card this year hoping to get everyone to stop with the presents. I put a line like this in there:

“While there isn’t anything physical for you to open, a family in need is receiving a month of formula and diapers. May we all remember the best gifts aren’t beneath the tree”.

If they are annoyed there isn’t anything for them to open, that’s on them.

I think you're a pretty crappy person trying to virtue signal. I don't play your game. If you want to be a true giver then you just give, and you don't seek out to aggrandize yourself with sanctimonious poop.

Mark 12:38-40

[Anonymous]

Absolutely hysterical that the poster having a fit at the idea that someone might donate to charity in lieu of a physical gift is over here quoting the New Testament. I mean we all know Jesus was all about tit-for-tat consumerism!

Seriously, OP, I am a total Gift Person but if you let me know in advance that you would be scaling back I would completely understand. I also have a huge extended family and we have done things like puzzles or board games or edible gifts as a family gift so we don’t have to find a bunch of random things for each family member. Maybe you could let them know you will be doing something like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a donation to a charity and wrote a card this year hoping to get everyone to stop with the presents. I put a line like this in there:

“While there isn’t anything physical for you to open, a family in need is receiving a month of formula and diapers. May we all remember the best gifts aren’t beneath the tree”.

If they are annoyed there isn’t anything for them to open, that’s on them.

I think you're a pretty crappy person trying to virtue signal. I don't play your game. If you want to be a true giver then you just give, and you don't seek out to aggrandize yourself with sanctimonious poop.

Mark 12:38-40

Oof. You’re both bad people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the only thing you can control is your behavior. You cannot control the behavior of others and you cannot control their perception of you.

The way to do this is to contact everyone right now and say "I wanted to let you know before you made any purchases that, unlike previous years, we are not exchanging gifts with any extended family this year. Thanks for understanding."

Then people will be annoyed and badmouth you, but within a year or two they will stop, and you will continue to enjoy simpler holidays.

If they ask, you can say "We've felt spiritually disconnected and decided to focus on charitable giving and the deeper meaning behind the holiday. We want to help the kids appreciate what they already have. I know everyone in our family is well off and well cared for, so we are targeting our budget on the less fortunate."

It doesn't matter if it is BS. It's really none of their business anyway.

If they are crazy obsessed with gifts, they will badmouth you longer. I have a sibling like this. Because it's so important to her, we asked her adult children what they want and they want checks so we send them. We do not send her gifts though because she is an adult with many millions of dollars which she reminds of frequently. We told her no need to give us gifts, but she still just can't resist thrift shopping and giving us sweaters with holes and other stuff in bad shape.

Gross!

[Anonymous]

I do think it's a bit much to send a note that we didn't give you a gift because we gave to charity. It's like you not only don't give a gift (which is fine), but you give a guilt trip and humble brag. Sorry, you should not think you are getting a gift when there are people in need and I want you to know I am generous so I needed you to know I gave to charity! I love people giving to charity. Just give. Also, don't give to a charity in my name because I am picky about my charities. I make sure most of the money goes to the cause among other things. Just give to who you want and leave me out.

When my daughter was born a family friend gave to an institution I that did some awful things... in the name of our daughter (think like a Catholic church that hid child molesting). I was really grossed out and struggled with whether to even write a thank you note. I would just rather not know she supported this place. So the gift turned into feelings of disgust. I would rather she just have said "congrats!" I don't expect gifts.