How do I stop the gifting insanity at the holidays?

[Anonymous]

My mom is one of those people insistent on receiving something to open on Christmas Day, and it has to be lots of things but nothing that she won’t like and not little food treats or jams or soaps because “that’s for old people.” Every year she adds a new restriction. I wish she would just ask for whatever she didn’t get from Santa in 1950, get it out of her system, and we could all move on. She is also obsessed with getting my DD the “perfect gift”, and unfortunately for her DD is not into stuff and/or what she wants (a book, a new leotard, a certain kind of sweatshirt for school) is not special enough so my mom doesn’t want to get it.

My brother married into someone from a different part of the US and different class/upbringing, and they are really, really into lots of presents. All the toys, clothing for other adults, decorative house objects, etc. I know that’s what my brother and SIL want and like, so I’m happy to get stuff for them but also feel awful that they are running around buying stuff for me and DH that we don’t need and/or buy for ourselves.

[Anonymous]

I also had this problem OP. I have 2 kids and other couples have four each. I finally got my family to put age cap on for the kids. Once you turn 18 you enter a name exchange — only two kids remain under 28 thankfully. I also had to work out w my brother how to deal with the kids of my niece and nephew. I just told them I am not doing bday and Xmas for his grandkids. I think I will be the only great aunt not doing those gifts but I decided I don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Error — only two kids left under 18

[Anonymous]

You just control your gift giving. You can't tell your siblings they can't give presents to eachother. Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work. I can't believe she said something like that to your DH. The fact that you don't see everyone at xmas is actually good. It's pretty easy to ignore emails or texts or get off the phone. If you want to be petty, then pick out a kid book and adult book and give all people that book (even in the same family). You could even say it's so nice when they don't have t fight over books and toys. I also would refuse to give a list for the kids and say they just have too much stuff.

[Anonymous]

we switched to drawing names last year and it increased my enjoyment of christmas a thousand fold.

we are doing it again this year!

if people do not want to stop gift giving altogether, this is a nice compromise.

we used drawnames.com

[Anonymous]

I made a donation to a charity and wrote a card this year hoping to get everyone to stop with the presents. I put a line like this in there:

“While there isn’t anything physical for you to open, a family in need is receiving a month of formula and diapers. May we all remember the best gifts aren’t beneath the tree”.

If they are annoyed there isn’t anything for them to open, that’s on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now that my husband and I have grown siblings with families of their own, the gifting at the holidays has gotten out of hand. We have 4 sets of grandparents (multiple divorces), 11 nieces and nephews, and multiple sets of married siblings. ...expectations, nor do I want to purchase a million gifts for family members who either don’t need them (adults) or kids who already have too much stuff.

Do gifts by household- disposables or consumables like food and floral. If a single adult sib lives with any parents also send to that. Use vendors where you get free shipping unless a specific product is unavoidable-not sold where you get free shipping.

Estimate is GP4 + other households 5=9 gifts instead of 30 or more. We were the last to have kids and had years of buying in OP pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a donation to a charity and wrote a card this year hoping to get everyone to stop with the presents. I put a line like this in there:

“While there isn’t anything physical for you to open, a family in need is receiving a month of formula and diapers. May we all remember the best gifts aren’t beneath the tree”.

If they are annoyed there isn’t anything for them to open, that’s on them.

NP. I’ve tried to sell this several times and now I let it be. My siblings and I don’t exchange anymore but it didn’t put a dent in the madness.

For a long time, I tried to convince the relatives to only buy for the little kids since they refused to stop that and instead of buying so much for each adult, adopt one child from Angel Tree. That way they still got to shop and a child in need got presents. They thought it was a terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

I just stopped. So much crap and clutter. But "gifts" are not my love language at all.

If someone wants to show me they love me, they WON'T buy me crap I then have to deal with.

[Anonymous]

You can set your own boundary and let the chips fall as they may. At least when you ask people not to give you gifts you are saving them some work, though some people obsessively need to impose stuff on others.

It's harder if they want gifts. If they struggle financially and I can afford it and they like get gifts, then i would get things they want. If they are well off and just really like the whole gift exchange thing, that would be more difficult. They can afford to buy themselves anything and why play a guessing game you don't enjoy or spend all that money. You could certainly say you used the money to donate to charity. Makes them look pretty selfish to protest that. I would not do that to family members who are not well off because they could use that money so why not give them some as a gift if that is what they want.

[Anonymous]

I tried this long ago and no one went for it. The holidays because so stressful and in part it was because I was trying to “match” what my wealthy brothers were doing (I’m in education).

A couple years ago, I started getting smaller gifts that were harder to find. For example, a hot YA book signed by the author (lots of authors stop in our area on their book tours). Also got one teen a shirt for their favorite team that’s only sold at a summer camp. Those were under $30 gifts, but were fun for me to track down.

I also started sending baskets of “local” treats to the people who live elsewhere. Flavored peanuts, cheese sticks, etc. it’s simple and relatively inexpensive if you out the basket together yourself.

Not saying you have to do what I did, but if the suggestion to move to an exchange isn’t received well, there are ways you can pull back so you aren’t overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can set your own boundary and let the chips fall as they may. At least when you ask people not to give you gifts you are saving them some work, though some people obsessively need to impose stuff on others.

It's harder if they want gifts. If they struggle financially and I can afford it and they like get gifts, then i would get things they want. If they are well off and just really like the whole gift exchange thing, that would be more difficult. They can afford to buy themselves anything and why play a guessing game you don't enjoy or spend all that money. You could certainly say you used the money to donate to charity. Makes them look pretty selfish to protest that. I would not do that to family members who are not well off because they could use that money so why not give them some as a gift if that is what they want.

I’m a couple posters up who suggested donation or Angel Tree to the family. No one was in need and most of the older relatives are in borderline hoarding situations where they have too much. It was so frustrating and I heard comments like, “We donate plenty. It’s Christmas and everyone in the family needs gifts to open. Why don’t you want to buy your family gifts?!” And it went the other way, them not respecting that we have everything and do not want 20 presents of decorative clutter or kitchen gadgets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy everyone a book. Every year.

One of my sisters does this. I absolutely love it! Books are expensive and she has excellent taste/is good at predicting my taste. I love exchanging presents and would be sad if my family wanted to stop but I do take requests for consumables/charitable donations seriously if that’s what people ask for.

[Anonymous]

First would be to ask if everyone would be ok with only buying gifts for kids and your parents.

When kids turn 18, state that you will only be buying gifts for your and SO's parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a donation to a charity and wrote a card this year hoping to get everyone to stop with the presents. I put a line like this in there:

“While there isn’t anything physical for you to open, a family in need is receiving a month of formula and diapers. May we all remember the best gifts aren’t beneath the tree”.

If they are annoyed there isn’t anything for them to open, that’s on them.

Meh. Your note is preachy and sanctimonious. Giving to charity is nice but your note was over the top.