Income for fancy SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH makes almost 1M. We purchased our bethesda house for 1.3 but it’s likely worth 1.7 now. We have two nice cars fully paid for and I basically buy whatever I want without blinking an eye. But our kids go to public school and we don’t travel much because I have three young children and it’s just too much work.
We do not have a nanny or any other help other than twice a month cleaners (and I do SAH). But to answer your question we are completely comfortable but I think if I added in a full time nanny, expensive vacations and shopping sprees and private school for three kids things would feel tight.

I am conservative with finances but am struggling to understand how this would feel tight on a $1M salary.

Yes- where does your money go? You have no mortgage, childcare/tuition, car payments, or travel.

yes, you are living a $250K lifestyle on a million dollar salary. Perhaps your husband as another family (or two) on the side.

I’m the PP whose DH makes 1M. I never said we are mortgage free. PITI is about $4500 a month. We have absolutely zero money worries right now but DH saves a ton every month because he works an extremely high stress long hours job and would like to retire early. Could we easily pay for a nanny and trips and private school? Yes. But we wouldn’t be comfortable doing so because that would reduce our savings and lengthen his work lifespan.

Can I ask a question which I would never ask in real life and you would probably never answer in real life. Do you ever feel badly about being a SAH parent when your husband is so financially successful? I can honestly say that if my daughter ended up in a situation like yours, I would not love it.

I’m the PP you posed this question to. Why would you not love it? Because you feel like your daughter wasted her education? Because she’s reliant on a man for finances?
DH and I met very young in college and got married while he was in law school. I worked and paid the bills while he was in school and continued to work until we had our first child, at which point we both decided it made more financial sense for me to stay home (I was a teacher and my salary would probably have been less than the cost of a nanny). Plus I really wanted to be home and raise my kids. I am extremely involved in the kids’ schools and I do 100% of the “house stuff”. We’ve been married for close to 20 years and have a wonderful respectful marriage where we both value what the other one brings to the table. Maybe it’s because I was a teacher before kids but I have zero regrets about spending my time with my own children rather than other peoples’. And to answer your question I do not feel guilty at all about my husband’s financial success. As I stated in my OP we are pretty frugal considering his income so I don’t feel like I am spending my days frivolously spending “his money”

Thank you for answering. For the bolded, I don’t quite know but I think it’s because I want her to be starring in the play rather than being in a supporting role. She is incredibly talented and I want her to share those gifts with the world at large and make her mark. I recognize there is a lot of my own baggage mixed up in this answer. Money has never been a driver for me, but professional success and respect have. So I guess I want that for my daughter (and son) too.

That’s because you value a career and money over raising children and home making. You don’t value what is traditionally thought of as women’s work. But not everyone feels this way. I grew up in a conservative area and people would feel bad for a woman who has to leave her kids to work.

Regardless I’d try to temper your expectations about your child. I get you think she is talented, but she will likely not be using her talents in a career. The vast majority of women perform boring BS jobs to earn an income. There are very few people, including women, who are able to earn a living on exciting talents such as working in the arts. This is another reason many women don’t mind staying home. Most women working are doing the equivalent of TPS reports. Yes there are some women on this site who think their work is incredibly important and fulfilling but most women do not feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH makes almost 1M. We purchased our bethesda house for 1.3 but it’s likely worth 1.7 now. We have two nice cars fully paid for and I basically buy whatever I want without blinking an eye. But our kids go to public school and we don’t travel much because I have three young children and it’s just too much work.
We do not have a nanny or any other help other than twice a month cleaners (and I do SAH). But to answer your question we are completely comfortable but I think if I added in a full time nanny, expensive vacations and shopping sprees and private school for three kids things would feel tight.

I am conservative with finances but am struggling to understand how this would feel tight on a $1M salary.

Yes- where does your money go? You have no mortgage, childcare/tuition, car payments, or travel.

yes, you are living a $250K lifestyle on a million dollar salary. Perhaps your husband as another family (or two) on the side.

I’m the PP whose DH makes 1M. I never said we are mortgage free. PITI is about $4500 a month. We have absolutely zero money worries right now but DH saves a ton every month because he works an extremely high stress long hours job and would like to retire early. Could we easily pay for a nanny and trips and private school? Yes. But we wouldn’t be comfortable doing so because that would reduce our savings and lengthen his work lifespan.

Can I ask a question which I would never ask in real life and you would probably never answer in real life. Do you ever feel badly about being a SAH parent when your husband is so financially successful? I can honestly say that if my daughter ended up in a situation like yours, I would not love it.

I’m the PP you posed this question to. Why would you not love it? Because you feel like your daughter wasted her education? Because she’s reliant on a man for finances?
DH and I met very young in college and got married while he was in law school. I worked and paid the bills while he was in school and continued to work until we had our first child, at which point we both decided it made more financial sense for me to stay home (I was a teacher and my salary would probably have been less than the cost of a nanny). Plus I really wanted to be home and raise my kids. I am extremely involved in the kids’ schools and I do 100% of the “house stuff”. We’ve been married for close to 20 years and have a wonderful respectful marriage where we both value what the other one brings to the table. Maybe it’s because I was a teacher before kids but I have zero regrets about spending my time with my own children rather than other peoples’. And to answer your question I do not feel guilty at all about my husband’s financial success. As I stated in my OP we are pretty frugal considering his income so I don’t feel like I am spending my days frivolously spending “his money”

PP again- and just to add- my salary as a kindergarten teacher was about $50K. So even if I went back to work it wouldn’t be as though my husband could quit his job or even scale back to something less stressful. I loved teaching (just like I love being home with my children) but as we all know it doesn’t easily pay the big bills (DH and I often say that teachers should make what the law partners do!!)

Yeah, high-earning men say stuff like this to humor their wives (or "Honey, your job as a SAHM is much harder than mine as a law partner!"), but they know it's BS Some resent their wives and some don't, but all parties involved know who really does the heavy lifting.

Just because YOU don’t value a woman staying home doesn’t mean all men feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH makes almost 1M. We purchased our bethesda house for 1.3 but it’s likely worth 1.7 now. We have two nice cars fully paid for and I basically buy whatever I want without blinking an eye. But our kids go to public school and we don’t travel much because I have three young children and it’s just too much work.
We do not have a nanny or any other help other than twice a month cleaners (and I do SAH). But to answer your question we are completely comfortable but I think if I added in a full time nanny, expensive vacations and shopping sprees and private school for three kids things would feel tight.

I am conservative with finances but am struggling to understand how this would feel tight on a $1M salary.

Yes- where does your money go? You have no mortgage, childcare/tuition, car payments, or travel.

yes, you are living a $250K lifestyle on a million dollar salary. Perhaps your husband as another family (or two) on the side.

I’m the PP whose DH makes 1M. I never said we are mortgage free. PITI is about $4500 a month. We have absolutely zero money worries right now but DH saves a ton every month because he works an extremely high stress long hours job and would like to retire early. Could we easily pay for a nanny and trips and private school? Yes. But we wouldn’t be comfortable doing so because that would reduce our savings and lengthen his work lifespan.

Can I ask a question which I would never ask in real life and you would probably never answer in real life. Do you ever feel badly about being a SAH parent when your husband is so financially successful? I can honestly say that if my daughter ended up in a situation like yours, I would not love it.

I’m the PP you posed this question to. Why would you not love it? Because you feel like your daughter wasted her education? Because she’s reliant on a man for finances?
DH and I met very young in college and got married while he was in law school. I worked and paid the bills while he was in school and continued to work until we had our first child, at which point we both decided it made more financial sense for me to stay home (I was a teacher and my salary would probably have been less than the cost of a nanny). Plus I really wanted to be home and raise my kids. I am extremely involved in the kids’ schools and I do 100% of the “house stuff”. We’ve been married for close to 20 years and have a wonderful respectful marriage where we both value what the other one brings to the table. Maybe it’s because I was a teacher before kids but I have zero regrets about spending my time with my own children rather than other peoples’. And to answer your question I do not feel guilty at all about my husband’s financial success. As I stated in my OP we are pretty frugal considering his income so I don’t feel like I am spending my days frivolously spending “his money”

Thank you for answering. For the bolded, I don’t quite know but I think it’s because I want her to be starring in the play rather than being in a supporting role. She is incredibly talented and I want her to share those gifts with the world at large and make her mark. I recognize there is a lot of my own baggage mixed up in this answer. Money has never been a driver for me, but professional success and respect have. So I guess I want that for my daughter (and son) too.

That’s because you value a career and money over raising children and home making. You don’t value what is traditionally thought of as women’s work. But not everyone feels this way. I grew up in a conservative area and people would feel bad for a woman who has to leave her kids to work.

Regardless I’d try to temper your expectations about your child. I get you think she is talented, but she will likely not be using her talents in a career. The vast majority of women perform boring BS jobs to earn an income. There are very few people, including women, who are able to earn a living on exciting talents such as working in the arts. This is another reason many women don’t mind staying home. Most women working are doing the equivalent of TPS reports. Yes there are some women on this site who think their work is incredibly important and fulfilling but most women do not feel this way.

I'm glad YOU know what most women think and judge what is an "exciting" talent. Thank you for sharing your omniscience talent with us.

[Anonymous]

I’m a guy. I agree that when men say “my SAHM has the hard job” and “happy wife, happy family” etc., they don’t mean it. Instead, they convey several things: 1) THEY would not want to stay at home and take care of their kids. Not because it is hard, but because it’s boring/not fun. 2) they’re trying to make their wife feel special and respected. 3) they are bragging on themselves that they can satisfy a dependent, high-maintenance wife and family. Basically, “I make a ton of money so I can go have fun during the day, buy toys, and come home to a nice, traditional home that’s completely provided by me. I’m a big swinging d*ck.” The whole thing is a self-brag without saying so. It looks like they’re being generous, but everyone knows where the generosity and work really come from. If you don’t believe me, ask women who are making the big bucks with a SAHD.

[Anonymous]

At least 5mil in the bank (and growing) and $1M+/year salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH makes almost 1M. We purchased our bethesda house for 1.3 but it’s likely worth 1.7 now. We have two nice cars fully paid for and I basically buy whatever I want without blinking an eye. But our kids go to public school and we don’t travel much because I have three young children and it’s just too much work.
We do not have a nanny or any other help other than twice a month cleaners (and I do SAH). But to answer your question we are completely comfortable but I think if I added in a full time nanny, expensive vacations and shopping sprees and private school for three kids things would feel tight.

I am conservative with finances but am struggling to understand how this would feel tight on a $1M salary.

Yes- where does your money go? You have no mortgage, childcare/tuition, car payments, or travel.

yes, you are living a $250K lifestyle on a million dollar salary. Perhaps your husband as another family (or two) on the side.

I’m the PP whose DH makes 1M. I never said we are mortgage free. PITI is about $4500 a month. We have absolutely zero money worries right now but DH saves a ton every month because he works an extremely high stress long hours job and would like to retire early. Could we easily pay for a nanny and trips and private school? Yes. But we wouldn’t be comfortable doing so because that would reduce our savings and lengthen his work lifespan.

Can I ask a question which I would never ask in real life and you would probably never answer in real life. Do you ever feel badly about being a SAH parent when your husband is so financially successful? I can honestly say that if my daughter ended up in a situation like yours, I would not love it.

I’m the PP you posed this question to. Why would you not love it? Because you feel like your daughter wasted her education? Because she’s reliant on a man for finances?
DH and I met very young in college and got married while he was in law school. I worked and paid the bills while he was in school and continued to work until we had our first child, at which point we both decided it made more financial sense for me to stay home (I was a teacher and my salary would probably have been less than the cost of a nanny). Plus I really wanted to be home and raise my kids. I am extremely involved in the kids’ schools and I do 100% of the “house stuff”. We’ve been married for close to 20 years and have a wonderful respectful marriage where we both value what the other one brings to the table. Maybe it’s because I was a teacher before kids but I have zero regrets about spending my time with my own children rather than other peoples’. And to answer your question I do not feel guilty at all about my husband’s financial success. As I stated in my OP we are pretty frugal considering his income so I don’t feel like I am spending my days frivolously spending “his money”

Thank you for answering. For the bolded, I don’t quite know but I think it’s because I want her to be starring in the play rather than being in a supporting role. She is incredibly talented and I want her to share those gifts with the world at large and make her mark. I recognize there is a lot of my own baggage mixed up in this answer. Money has never been a driver for me, but professional success and respect have. So I guess I want that for my daughter (and son) too.

That’s because you value a career and money over raising children and home making. You don’t value what is traditionally thought of as women’s work. But not everyone feels this way. I grew up in a conservative area and people would feel bad for a woman who has to leave her kids to work.

Regardless I’d try to temper your expectations about your child. I get you think she is talented, but she will likely not be using her talents in a career. The vast majority of women perform boring BS jobs to earn an income. There are very few people, including women, who are able to earn a living on exciting talents such as working in the arts. This is another reason many women don’t mind staying home. Most women working are doing the equivalent of TPS reports. Yes there are some women on this site who think their work is incredibly important and fulfilling but most women do not feel this way.

I'm glad YOU know what most women think and judge what is an "exciting" talent. Thank you for sharing your omniscience talent with us.

Where did I say that? Sorry that you really think your child is going to have a career that is focused on her talents. You are likely raising your daughter with unrealistic expectations and who will always be unhappy working and not know why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a guy. I agree that when men say “my SAHM has the hard job” and “happy wife, happy family” etc., they don’t mean it. Instead, they convey several things: 1) THEY would not want to stay at home and take care of their kids. Not because it is hard, but because it’s boring/not fun. 2) they’re trying to make their wife feel special and respected. 3) they are bragging on themselves that they can satisfy a dependent, high-maintenance wife and family. Basically, “I make a ton of money so I can go have fun during the day, buy toys, and come home to a nice, traditional home that’s completely provided by me. I’m a big swinging d*ck.” The whole thing is a self-brag without saying so. It looks like they’re being generous, but everyone knows where the generosity and work really come from. If you don’t believe me, ask women who are making the big bucks with a SAHD.

Women who make big bucks with a SAHD are either resentful or mad they married a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have just asked how stupid you have to be to throw that much money away on a private school instead of getting a better house or cars lol

No, education is more important than things. But why would a SAHP whose kids are in school need a nanny?

I’m a SAHP and I’d love to have a nanny 2 days a week. If I had three kids I would want one all the time. Plus if the parents want to regularly travel, go out, etc you need childcare.

I can understand having a part-time nanny, but not needing a full-time 60k nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other thread sparked my curiosity. What income does a husband need to bring in if he wants the following life style for his wife as a sahm:

- mortgage on a 1.3 mil house in a close-in suburb
- wife wears expensive clothes
- high maintenance: expensive highlights, facials mani pedis, botox
- 2 nice cars
- kids in private school
- nanny

I have this life. 1.3 m house is not that fancy. It’s a normal house, not a mansion.

I don’t wear expensive clothes but I do a big shop twice a year and drop 2 to 3 k each time. But nothing branded.

Have all the other things listed. We started that at a HHI of ~700k and now have a HHI of 1m

I also have above lifestyle. Our kids go to public though and we live in a $4m house. I stopped working when Dh earned 500k. Now he makes $2m.

To answer OP, I would say you need 800k HHI or family money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH makes almost 1M. We purchased our bethesda house for 1.3 but it’s likely worth 1.7 now. We have two nice cars fully paid for and I basically buy whatever I want without blinking an eye. But our kids go to public school and we don’t travel much because I have three young children and it’s just too much work.
We do not have a nanny or any other help other than twice a month cleaners (and I do SAH). But to answer your question we are completely comfortable but I think if I added in a full time nanny, expensive vacations and shopping sprees and private school for three kids things would feel tight.

I am conservative with finances but am struggling to understand how this would feel tight on a $1M salary.

Yes- where does your money go? You have no mortgage, childcare/tuition, car payments, or travel.

yes, you are living a $250K lifestyle on a million dollar salary. Perhaps your husband as another family (or two) on the side.

I’m the PP whose DH makes 1M. I never said we are mortgage free. PITI is about $4500 a month. We have absolutely zero money worries right now but DH saves a ton every month because he works an extremely high stress long hours job and would like to retire early. Could we easily pay for a nanny and trips and private school? Yes. But we wouldn’t be comfortable doing so because that would reduce our savings and lengthen his work lifespan.

Can I ask a question which I would never ask in real life and you would probably never answer in real life. Do you ever feel badly about being a SAH parent when your husband is so financially successful? I can honestly say that if my daughter ended up in a situation like yours, I would not love it.

I’m the PP you posed this question to. Why would you not love it? Because you feel like your daughter wasted her education? Because she’s reliant on a man for finances?
DH and I met very young in college and got married while he was in law school. I worked and paid the bills while he was in school and continued to work until we had our first child, at which point we both decided it made more financial sense for me to stay home (I was a teacher and my salary would probably have been less than the cost of a nanny). Plus I really wanted to be home and raise my kids. I am extremely involved in the kids’ schools and I do 100% of the “house stuff”. We’ve been married for close to 20 years and have a wonderful respectful marriage where we both value what the other one brings to the table. Maybe it’s because I was a teacher before kids but I have zero regrets about spending my time with my own children rather than other peoples’. And to answer your question I do not feel guilty at all about my husband’s financial success. As I stated in my OP we are pretty frugal considering his income so I don’t feel like I am spending my days frivolously spending “his money”

Thank you for answering. For the bolded, I don’t quite know but I think it’s because I want her to be starring in the play rather than being in a supporting role. She is incredibly talented and I want her to share those gifts with the world at large and make her mark. I recognize there is a lot of my own baggage mixed up in this answer. Money has never been a driver for me, but professional success and respect have. So I guess I want that for my daughter (and son) too.

This is because you are viewing her alone in a vacuum instead of as part of a family unit and community, and because you view one parent as a "supporting role" which is frankly misogynist, materialistic BS. She does have the starring role in her own life. Money isn't the driver when you drop out of the rat race, and, let's face it, very few people are working jobs that fit your dream. In my case, I had professional success, made more than DH, and had more upside to go, but I let go of the brass ring, and all of our lives, including mine and the people in my world, are better for it. Time well spent doesn't have to be paid, and being paid isn't the only way to make your mark in the world and share your talents. I've made more of a mark in the community of people who really need me (worldwide, in fact) and in my family than I ever did as one of a million lawyers. I'm fulfilling roles in which I am not replaceable. Can't say the same for any lawyer. Your values seem to only allow you to respect professionals? That's off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a guy. I agree that when men say “my SAHM has the hard job” and “happy wife, happy family” etc., they don’t mean it. Instead, they convey several things: 1) THEY would not want to stay at home and take care of their kids. Not because it is hard, but because it’s boring/not fun. 2) they’re trying to make their wife feel special and respected. 3) they are bragging on themselves that they can satisfy a dependent, high-maintenance wife and family. Basically, “I make a ton of money so I can go have fun during the day, buy toys, and come home to a nice, traditional home that’s completely provided by me. I’m a big swinging d*ck.” The whole thing is a self-brag without saying so. It looks like they’re being generous, but everyone knows where the generosity and work really come from. If you don’t believe me, ask women who are making the big bucks with a SAHD.

Women who make big bucks with a SAHD are either resentful or mad they married a loser.

Yes hopefully we will move beyond that and men with a SAHM will also be resentful or mad they married a loser. It is 2022.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The house is on the low end so that's a plus. Is the nanny full time or part time if the kids are in school all day?

My guess is that you need about $750k minimum for that:

PITI - $60k
2 schools - $100k
Nanny - $40k
car payments - $25k
travel - $25k
other life - $150k

Total - $400k after tax

You can’t find a $40K nanny who works FT hours. Ask me how I know. We shell out $70k and have two kids in half-day preschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other thread sparked my curiosity. What income does a husband need to bring in if he wants the following life style for his wife as a sahm:

- mortgage on a 1.3 mil house in a close-in suburb
- wife wears expensive clothes
- high maintenance: expensive highlights, facials mani pedis, botox
- 2 nice cars
- kids in private school
- nanny

This is us but I don’t need Botox or highlights and I don’t do facials or mania/pedis. And I work. Our HHI is $600K. We pay our nanny $70K and pay $30K for private preschool. HHI is $600K. For a one earner family would need at least $600K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other thread sparked my curiosity. What income does a husband need to bring in if he wants the following life style for his wife as a sahm:

- mortgage on a 1.3 mil house in a close-in suburb
- wife wears expensive clothes
- high maintenance: expensive highlights, facials mani pedis, botox
- 2 nice cars
- kids in private school
- nanny

This is us but I don’t need Botox or highlights and I don’t do facials or mania/pedis. And I work. Our HHI is $600K. We pay our nanny $70K and pay $30K for private preschool. HHI is $600K. For a one earner family would need at least $600K.

This thread is about SAHMs. This is not you at all if you work.

Private preschool also different than paying 40k per kid for private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other thread sparked my curiosity. What income does a husband need to bring in if he wants the following life style for his wife as a sahm:

- mortgage on a 1.3 mil house in a close-in suburb
- wife wears expensive clothes
- high maintenance: expensive highlights, facials mani pedis, botox
- 2 nice cars
- kids in private school
- nanny

This is us but I don’t need Botox or highlights and I don’t do facials or mania/pedis. And I work. Our HHI is $600K. We pay our nanny $70K and pay $30K for private preschool. HHI is $600K. For a one earner family would need at least $600K.

This thread is about SAHMs. This is not you at all if you work.

Private preschool also different than paying 40k per kid for private school.

I’ll do the math for you. We pay $100K for childcare for two kids, so that’s more than $80k for two kids to go to private school or the equivalent of two $40K tuitions and $20K for a PT nanny. I said that for a single earner the person would need to earn at least $600K because that is our HHI and we have this lifestyle minus the Botox and pampering, because I’m young and don’t need that to look hot. FWIW, you don’t know of my DH makes $560 and I make $40K.

Also, why do you think you can dictate who replies to this thread?