White mom and POC dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Latino is not a race. It refers to a group of people who come from a place where Romance languages are spoken (Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, French, and Romanian).

And yes, within these groups there are people of different racial backgrounds. Latin America is a melting pot of people from African, Asian, Native American, and European heritage.

No, that is not what Latino means. French people are not Latino. If you're going to drop into the thread with a random correction that tangential to the topic, at least be correct

Oh heavens, first PP. Please educate yourself before you post. Latino/Latina is different from hispanic, and you are AT BEST switching those two things, but I'm not sure you understand either....

To be fair, it’s confusing AF. I’m married to a Hispanic man, he uses both terms, and I still have no idea what exactly they mean.

Filling out forms for our kids makes things even more confusing, because he says I need to list them as “white Hispanic”.

I just don’t talk about any of it because I’ll probably say the wrong thing. The only word that ever comes out of my mouth is “white” and it’s when I’m referring to myself.

[Anonymous]

Religion is a big part of it. Latinos generally have the same religion as UD, so I could see how the cultures blend better. I am asian and Muslim, married to a white American. My kids go to mosque school on Saturdays. They are learning to read Arabic, but I haven't taught them my native language. I'm from a small country, and my language wouldn't be useful to them. It's not Arabic.

[Anonymous]

There is something else--with respect to language it's most noticable--if there are multiple kids in the family, the oldest seems to be bilingual, and then it tends to be that the next oldest may speak a little but understands, etc, as you go down the line and the youngest might not know it at all.

I wonder if this is true for the cooking as well? It seems true for family history in our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman in an interracial marriage trying to introduce your kids to their dad’s culture you also have to be careful of navigating other women of the culture gatekeeping what is appropriate for you to do or not. I’ve always tried to portray myself as an ally to the culture instead of fully part of the culture my kids are part of. It’s tiring and I can see why some may choose to not even participate.

+1. As a white mom in this situation, I get looked down on by Asian moms for not raising my kids sufficiently “Asian”, but it’s also implicit that my kids aren’t welcome at language school, the cultural center, etc. Then we get into the nuances of regional variations of cultural, language, and tradition, and my family’s traditions are always “wrong” or “not how we do it.” It doesn’t help that I married into a very direct culture with different rules for what’s ok to say to someone and what’s not. My DH and I persist in trying to raise our kids in his culture and mine, but have dropped a few things that were actually important to us because we didn’t want the kids to pick up on how unwelcome they were at some of the activities.

In the interest of equality and full disclosure, my own white mom pulls the same crap from her side!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman in an interracial marriage trying to introduce your kids to their dad’s culture, you also have to be careful of navigating other women of the culture gatekeeping what is appropriate for you to do or not. I’ve always tried to portray myself as an ally to the culture instead of fully part of the culture my kids are part of. It’s tiring and I can see why some may choose to not even participate.

+1. As a white mom in this situation, I get looked down on by Asian moms for not raising my kids sufficiently “Asian”, but it’s also implicit that my kids aren’t welcome at language school, the cultural center, etc. Then we get into the nuances of regional variations of cultural, language, and tradition, and my family’s traditions are always “wrong” or “not how we do it.” It doesn’t help that I married into a very direct culture with different rules for what’s ok to say to someone and what’s not. My DH and I persist in trying to raise our kids in his culture and mine, but have dropped a few things that were actually important to us because we didn’t want the kids to pick up on how unwelcome they were at some of the activities.

In the interest of equality and full disclosure, my own white mom pulls the same crap from her side!

East or south asian? I am married to a south asian guy from Bangladesh. We attend language school and Muslim cultural events. I have never had issues. I have more friends from his culture than my own, and I am a white American. We live in a condo. with lots of internationals and Muslim and Indian (not Muslim in my case ) moms have been the most receptive to playdates.

[Anonymous]

Not in our family. I'm white mom and I was raised as free roaming kid. My DH has a huge family- originally from SA. They are always together (few friends) and celebrate anything and everything. My parents/extended family live 6000 miles away, while his whole family is here in US.
My language is impossible to learn and few people speak it in US. DH is also very hands on (I even call it controlling), while I try to stay out of my kid's social life and school. They are his, not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not in our family. I'm white mom and I was raised as free roaming kid. My DH has a huge family- originally from SA. They are always together (few friends) and celebrate anything and everything. My parents/extended family live 6000 miles away, while his whole family is here in US.
My language is impossible to learn and few people speak it in US. DH is also very hands on (I even call it controlling), while I try to stay out of my kid's social life and school. They are his, not mine.

You sound weird. You get off of staying out of their lives? Are they 30?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:because moms do most of the work in a house, like cooking, child rearing, and vacation planning.

Another one to agree that it's this. Moms tend to be the "culture bearers." It's not just among poc either. Women generally raise their children with their own family traditions.

And as the others have also noted, this isn't always true. Plenty of families keep the Dad's cultural traditions alive, especially if the Dad has strong ties to his culture.

I'm in a multicultural family and both of us try to incorporate our cultural backgrounds, but our kids only speak DH's language. I'm not fluent enough in my ethnic language to pass it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman in an interracial marriage trying to introduce your kids to their dad’s culture, you also have to be careful of navigating other women of the culture gatekeeping what is appropriate for you to do or not. I’ve always tried to portray myself as an ally to the culture instead of fully part of the culture my kids are part of. It’s tiring and I can see why some may choose to not even participate.

+1. As a white mom in this situation, I get looked down on by Asian moms for not raising my kids sufficiently “Asian”, but it’s also implicit that my kids aren’t welcome at language school, the cultural center, etc. Then we get into the nuances of regional variations of cultural, language, and tradition, and my family’s traditions are always “wrong” or “not how we do it.” It doesn’t help that I married into a very direct culture with different rules for what’s ok to say to someone and what’s not. My DH and I persist in trying to raise our kids in his culture and mine, but have dropped a few things that were actually important to us because we didn’t want the kids to pick up on how unwelcome they were at some of the activities.

In the interest of equality and full disclosure, my own white mom pulls the same crap from her side!

East or south asian? I am married to a south asian guy from Bangladesh. We attend language school and Muslim cultural events. I have never had issues. I have more friends from his culture than my own, and I am a white American. We live in a condo. with lots of internationals and Muslim and Indian (not Muslim in my case ) moms have been the most receptive to playdates.

East! The South Asian families we know are super friendly and welcoming.

[Anonymous]

"As most posters have pointed out, OP, you have made this about race and/or ethnicity and/or nationality, when this really is about patriarchy and gender dynamics.

I'm glad no one took your race bait."

I'm OP have no idea why you think I was race baiting. It doesn't seem like others here do either. Go away if you don't want to contribute to the conversation. We are discussing culture and the conditions under which it does and doesn't get passed to the next generation. I posited that the mom's culture tends to dominate, especially if she's from the US mainstream. Some PPs have noted that even when these white moms do their best to raise the kids with the dad's culture, they face various road blocks. I hadn't appreciated this till reading their comments. Much of this seems to be coming from other women, so it's definitely not all about patriarchy, at least not directly. And it certainly does look like lots of Men of Color are falling down on the job when it comes to passing on their culture, which is surprising and disappointing.

And to the ignorant person who thinks I'm a troll because I indicated I'm a mom and that I'm Latino, as if these are mutually exclusive groupings: You need to do some reading and learning. People who part of the Latino group can call themselves Latino or Latina, depending on how they gender present. These days, people are also using Latinx and Latine for a gender-neutral term.

A few people seem to be operating under the illusion that kids raised in the US with mixed parents can get only one culture. That's not at all how it works. Kids raised here will all get the mainstream culture and they may or may not be raised with their POC parent's culture. It's also important to point out that some POCs are not immigrants and their cultures are from here. African Americans and Native Americans are the best examples. For many Latinos like Tejanos and New Mexicans whose families were here long before the White folks showed up, they have distinct cultures but they certainly aren't cultures from other countries that you could go and visit in the motherland offshore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:because moms do most of the work in a house, like cooking, child rearing, and vacation planning.

Another one to agree that it's this. Moms tend to be the "culture bearers." It's not just among poc either. Women generally raise their children with their own family traditions.

And as the others have also noted, this isn't always true. Plenty of families keep the Dad's cultural traditions alive, especially if the Dad has strong ties to his culture.

I'm in a multicultural family and both of us try to incorporate our cultural backgrounds, but our kids only speak DH's language. I'm not fluent enough in my ethnic language to pass it down.

+1 I'm south Asian and among my social circle, if the mom is Indian then they have an Indian wedding, kids have Indian names etc. If it's an Indian guy married to a white woman, they follow her lead.

Agree with others this is about gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman in an interracial marriage trying to introduce your kids to their dad’s culture, you also have to be careful of navigating other women of the culture gatekeeping what is appropriate for you to do or not. I’ve always tried to portray myself as an ally to the culture instead of fully part of the culture my kids are part of. It’s tiring and I can see why some may choose to not even participate.

+1. As a white mom in this situation, I get looked down on by Asian moms for not raising my kids sufficiently “Asian”, but it’s also implicit that my kids aren’t welcome at language school, the cultural center, etc. Then we get into the nuances of regional variations of cultural, language, and tradition, and my family’s traditions are always “wrong” or “not how we do it.” It doesn’t help that I married into a very direct culture with different rules for what’s ok to say to someone and what’s not. My DH and I persist in trying to raise our kids in his culture and mine, but have dropped a few things that were actually important to us because we didn’t want the kids to pick up on how unwelcome they were at some of the activities.

In the interest of equality and full disclosure, my own white mom pulls the same crap from her side!

East or south asian? I am married to a south asian guy from Bangladesh. We attend language school and Muslim cultural events. I have never had issues. I have more friends from his culture than my own, and I am a white American. We live in a condo. with lots of internationals and Muslim and Indian (not Muslim in my case ) moms have been the most receptive to playdates.

East! The South Asian families we know are super friendly and welcoming.

Ironically I am an East Asian woman married to a Jewish man and I have to navigate this with the Jewish moms .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is something else--with respect to language it's most noticable--if there are multiple kids in the family, the oldest seems to be bilingual, and then it tends to be that the next oldest may speak a little but understands, etc, as you go down the line and the youngest might not know it at all.

I wonder if this is true for the cooking as well? It seems true for family history in our family.

This makes perfect sense if the kids are first generation. The family is becoming more and more Americanized over the years, with the youngest being the most Americanized of all. I married into a family like this and my MIL once lamented to me that it was almost inevitable her youngest would marry an American (me). The older siblings married other immigrants from their country of origin but my husband was just a baby when they came and has no recollection of living in the other country and does not feel very connected to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Black mom here, and I absolutely have noticed this with respect to white Moms with biracial kids. I think it’s because moms are more likely to run the day to day logistics of the family, so they do what is familiar. I suspect if I had married a white guy I would still parent the same way. Men just don’t care as much (generally, not all of them). I married an African and very little of his culture/language/foods is apparent in our family because I don’t know them, and he doesn’t bother.

Yep, I’m the child of a white mom, black father and I have no real connection with African American culture to the point that my (1/4 black) elementary school aged children were surprised to learn they had African heritage, because it honestly just never came up until then.

Do they not know your father’s side of the family?

[Anonymous]

"Yep, I’m the child of a white mom, black father and I have no real connection with African American culture to the point that my (1/4 black) elementary school aged children were surprised to learn they had African heritage, because it honestly just never came up until then."

Does the child not look Black at all? Not know their father? How are your kids 1/4 Black if their dad is Black?