Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns.

It's also genetic though. I have two kids and only the adhd one lies. It's a coping mechanism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns.

It's also genetic though. I have two kids and only the adhd one lies. It's a coping mechanism

PP here and I wasn’t talking about whether ADHD is genetic, just explaining that people who habitually lie out of fear they will get in trouble are often anticipating a negative response to the truth even if you have no history of overreacting or criticizing them. Another PP said that someone with ADHD might lie if they expect you to overreact, but IME this expectation is often based on other experiences with other people.

Also, most children lie whether they have ADHD or not. At some point. And as a parent you can look at those lies and recognize that they may not come from a truly deceitful place, but a fearful one or even a confused one. But that’s different than a relationship with another adult. Your child with ADHD, for instance, will have to learn not to lie to partners as an adult because it’s so corrosive to relationships. Your partner (not your friends, roommates, colleagues, neighbors) cannot be expected to view you as a parent might. They don’t have to be forgiving if lies, even if you only told them due to ADHD. Even if it’s genetic. Compulsive Lying is not a behavior that most people can tolerate from another adult.

[Anonymous]

If you are serious about this person, please spend some time reading real forums and books regarding marrying a partner with ADHD. It is hard. Very hard. My dh doesn't lie, quite the opposite, but every part of our life is dictated by his issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are serious about this person, please spend some time reading real forums and books regarding marrying a partner with ADHD. It is hard. Very hard. My dh doesn't lie, quite the opposite, but every part of our life is dictated by his issues.

Did you know how it would be before you married him? Would you do it again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns.

Let’s be honest and define “over-reaction.” I bet it’s perfectly reasonable and if the person is aware of the adhd deficiencies try to get them help and systems in place to prevent it from re-happening.

The real social downfall is when the person thinks ANY comment or concern or attempt at help is an over-reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns.

OP: In my case, this is true. My partner told a lie very early on in dating me, and I had no history of overreacting to anything. We barely knew each other. I think he just assumed I wouldn't date him if I knew the truth, so he lied about it.

What was the lie? That he didn’t have unmanaged ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are serious about this person, please spend some time reading real forums and books regarding marrying a partner with ADHD. It is hard. Very hard. My dh doesn't lie, quite the opposite, but every part of our life is dictated by his issues.

Agree. Same here. His disorder is the pervasive issue in our household, marriage, and everyone’s health, including the children.

There have also been terrible accidents due to inattentiveness, and lying about it. He flippantly lies to pretend he’s listening to a conversation and he creepily lies to coverup bad judgement and misses. Not sure when the kids will figure it out, they keep trusting hime and being let down. They also know he’s very easy to trick for more snacks or more tv because he never knows what’s going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My partner of 9 months has told three little white lies, that I am aware of. Could this have anything to do with having ADHD, in your experience?

I read that if they have been diagnosed, they often have low self-esteem from doing things wrong, and are more prone to lying to cover up mistakes.

I think you need to be realistic if they were white lies to protect your feelings (like why you weren’t invited to XYZ) or if they are to protect his image. Things in the latter bucket absolutely include things he agreed to do but did not.

It’s very destabilizing to be in life partner relationship with someone you cannot rely on or trust. No matter what the underlying diagnosis or excuse is.

Are you married or just dating? Id suss this lying and adhd thing out ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns.

It's also genetic though. I have two kids and only the adhd one lies. It's a coping mechanism

PP here and I wasn’t talking about whether ADHD is genetic, just explaining that people who habitually lie out of fear they will get in trouble are often anticipating a negative response to the truth even if you have no history of overreacting or criticizing them. Another PP said that someone with ADHD might lie if they expect you to overreact, but IME this expectation is often based on other experiences with other people.

Also, most children lie whether they have ADHD or not. At some point. And as a parent you can look at those lies and recognize that they may not come from a truly deceitful place, but a fearful one or even a confused one. But that’s different than a relationship with another adult. Your child with ADHD, for instance, will have to learn not to lie to partners as an adult because it’s so corrosive to relationships. Your partner (not your friends, roommates, colleagues, neighbors) cannot be expected to view you as a parent might. They don’t have to be forgiving if lies, even if you only told them due to ADHD. Even if it’s genetic. Compulsive Lying is not a behavior that most people can tolerate from another adult.

I'm simply saying he was born this way. Yes, I agree about partners but I was stating that this is a genetic issue within him that is hard to overcome. They weren't treated differently or anything. But I think they do lie and then people react badly and it does start a cycle. If anything though we are more lenient than with the other one.

[Anonymous]

There is direct correlation between attention deficit and “deviating” or disregarding the truth.

The truth is similar to attention. It is difficult for some people to maintain it at certain points in time. You should not hold him to the same standards as everyone else.

[Anonymous]

I have adhd tendencies and I don’t lie. It can be tempting to cover up things I know I should have done or things I forgot about, but no, I don’t lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is direct correlation between attention deficit and “deviating” or disregarding the truth.

The truth is similar to attention. It is difficult for some people to maintain it at certain points in time. You should not hold him to the same standards as everyone else.

Agree with you but are there studies on this? And what standards do you hold if the basis of all relationships is founded on truth? I started allowing small lies feeling this way and they just turned into bigger lies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are serious about this person, please spend some time reading real forums and books regarding marrying a partner with ADHD. It is hard. Very hard. My dh doesn't lie, quite the opposite, but every part of our life is dictated by his issues.

Agree. Same here. His disorder is the pervasive issue in our household, marriage, and everyone’s health, including the children.

There have also been terrible accidents due to inattentiveness, and lying about it. He flippantly lies to pretend he’s listening to a conversation and he creepily lies to coverup bad judgement and misses. Not sure when the kids will figure it out, they keep trusting hime and being let down. They also know he’s very easy to trick for more snacks or more tv because he never knows what’s going on.

NP, +1 to all of this. I have structured our life to mostly remove the danger of ADHD-related accidents. Running constant silent interference in the background is exhausting, though, and my DH becomes extremely defensive or lies even more when his coverup lies get uncovered. My DD is 8 and is aware of the situation and actually “manages up” now. She’ll be the one to turn off the TV or say “no, Daddy, I already had Goldfish.” I’m not sure what impact this will have on her but I think it’s pretty unhealthy for a little kid to be more responsible and accountable than their parent.

PSA to every parent of a boy with inattentive ADHD reading this who imagines their child successfully partnered one day: please raise your child with self-awareness about their disorder, teach them to be accountable (no shaming- there’s a difference!) for their mistakes, and don’t secretly bail them out during their childhood!

[Anonymous]

To the immediate PP's point about raising kids with ADHD to be self aware and informed about the disorder I completely agree. I just want to point out that that in today's academic environments there's very little tolerance for ADHD related behaviors and there's a lot of pressure to medicate, get regular evals, therapy etc. This may overall be a good thing but one thing to be aware of is that there is a real tendency for teachers to hold kids with ADHD behavior plans to a higher standard than neurotypical kids bc they are so scrutinized. Those on this forum with ADHD partners should also be aware of this tendency. I realize the OP is dealing with untreated ADHD which isnt what I'm talking about here but there are plenty of posters on this board complaining about spouses that have nothing to do with adhd, too. We all have deficits and strengths and it's entirely possible that weaknesses of non ADHD spouses exacerbate another partners ADHD too. No one is pure.

[Anonymous]

Agreed. The non adhd people are just stubborn if they have problems. Instead of ignoring they just refuse to have them leaving others to pick up the pieces.