Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

OP: Yes, this sounds like the cycle. One of the lies was that we were at a party the other night, and some people were smoking weed, and I asked him if I did (not a huge deal), and he said no. But my friend later mentioned that she saw him smoking too, when were we talking. I confronted my partner about it and he got very mad at me and hasn't talked to me in 2 days now. In fairness, I haven't called him either. I was waiting for him to cool off.

OP does your partner have a diagnosis?

Op: yes he does. He has not taken his prescribed medication since I’ve known him. He doesn’t blame his adhd, but I’ve been trying to research it to understand.

He lied to you about his drug use, and you are trying to research excuses for him. Maybe it’s his ADHD…

You are being codependent, OP.

Op: I do have a history of being codependent. Thanks for pointing that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

OP: Yes, this sounds like the cycle. One of the lies was that we were at a party the other night, and some people were smoking weed, and I asked him if I did (not a huge deal), and he said no. But my friend later mentioned that she saw him smoking too, when were we talking. I confronted my partner about it and he got very mad at me and hasn't talked to me in 2 days now. In fairness, I haven't called him either. I was waiting for him to cool off.

OP does your partner have a diagnosis?

Op: yes he does. He has not taken his prescribed medication since I’ve known him. He doesn’t blame his adhd, but I’ve been trying to research it to understand.

He lied to you about his drug use, and you are trying to research excuses for him. Maybe it’s his ADHD…

You are being codependent, OP.

Op: I do have a history of being codependent. Thanks for pointing that out.

No problem. Takes one to know one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

OP: Yes, this sounds like the cycle. One of the lies was that we were at a party the other night, and some people were smoking weed, and I asked him if I did (not a huge deal), and he said no. But my friend later mentioned that she saw him smoking too, when were we talking. I confronted my partner about it and he got very mad at me and hasn't talked to me in 2 days now. In fairness, I haven't called him either. I was waiting for him to cool off.

OP does your partner have a diagnosis?

Op: yes he does. He has not taken his prescribed medication since I’ve known him. He doesn’t blame his adhd, but I’ve been trying to research it to understand.

He lied to you about his drug use, and you are trying to research excuses for him. Maybe it’s his ADHD…

You are being codependent, OP.

Op: I do have a history of being codependent. Thanks for pointing that out.

You need to just break up with this guy. You don’t marry a liar unless you are a glutton for punishment. It doesn’t matter why he lies. He is a liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

OP: Yes, this sounds like the cycle. One of the lies was that we were at a party the other night, and some people were smoking weed, and I asked him if I did (not a huge deal), and he said no. But my friend later mentioned that she saw him smoking too, when were we talking. I confronted my partner about it and he got very mad at me and hasn't talked to me in 2 days now. In fairness, I haven't called him either. I was waiting for him to cool off.

I’m on this forum only occasionally, but there seem to be a lot of posts where people who clearly have substance use problems use ADHD as an excuse for their behavior.

Do people with ADHD lie? Probably more than normal, and usually to cover up a mistake they think they can fix before you find out. They lie to maintain the relationship.

Do addicts lie? Yes. Definitely. And they will gaslight and ruin the relationship to continue using.

You know it’s not either/or don’t you? A lot of people with ADHD, especially those who were diagnosed late or don’t have an official diagnosis and those who are poorly managing it self medicate with alcohol and other drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

OP: Yes, this sounds like the cycle. One of the lies was that we were at a party the other night, and some people were smoking weed, and I asked him if I did (not a huge deal), and he said no. But my friend later mentioned that she saw him smoking too, when were we talking. I confronted my partner about it and he got very mad at me and hasn't talked to me in 2 days now. In fairness, I haven't called him either. I was waiting for him to cool off.

I’m on this forum only occasionally, but there seem to be a lot of posts where people who clearly have substance use problems use ADHD as an excuse for their behavior.

Do people with ADHD lie? Probably more than normal, and usually to cover up a mistake they think they can fix before you find out. They lie to maintain the relationship.

Do addicts lie? Yes. Definitely. And they will gaslight and ruin the relationship to continue using.

You know it’s not either/or don’t you? A lot of people with ADHD, especially those who were diagnosed late or don’t have an official diagnosis and those who are poorly managing it self medicate with alcohol and other drugs.

Sure. But the symptoms that people are complaining about are part of an active addiction, not ADHD. Maybe impulsive white lies are part of ADHD, but lying about your drug use, then getting angry when confronted about it, is a symptom of an addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s self-preservation. Why didn’t they take the trash out? Their boss called with an emergency and they didn’t have a chance. Didn’t they remember pick up their suit from the dry cleaners for the wedding? They stopped, but the dry cleaner lost it. The truth is the time got away from them, they got distracted, they forgot.

It’s this. But it starts at 5 years old.

You can imagine that most people with ADHD had childhoods where they got in trouble a lot and were repeatedly told that they were lazy, uncaring, and lacking in character. A normal child in this situation who wants the affection of his parents, but can’t do the tasks asked of him, is going to learn to tell white lies.

Yes, my 10 y.o. DS tells obvious lies all the time when he doesn’t want to get in trouble for something, or if he’s embarrassed about something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

I will say, they do lie at work or in public or especially with customer service (missed a bill, lost a payment, didn’t update something, returning beyond 90 days). But most people give others the benefit of the doubt and don’t interact enough to see the pattern repeat and repeat and repeat. A spouse most certainly will, or maybe a close coworker.

NP with ADHD. I don’t lie when I miss a bill or lose something. I honestly tell them I made a mistake. Usually my obsessive calendar and list keeping keeps me on track, but sometimes things do slip through the cracks.

As for returns, I have lost count of how much crap I have had to write off because I miss the return window. It’s why I never order things online any more. So some of us have ADD and just suffer the consequences without trying to cover up.

WHen your spouse or roommate find out before you and ask what happened, what's your immediate response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had a negative experience with a person with ADHD who lied a lot, and also blamed her lying on her ADHD. I don't know if that was the cause or not, but that's what she said it was. I can see how impulsivity would cause you to lie more, or how have a neurodivergence might cause you to panic and just say the first thing that pops into your head when pressed because you feel pressure to respond but aren't tracking the conversation or something.

However, in the end it doesn't matter. If you are in a relationship with a person who lies a lot, it will undermine the relationship no matter the reason. I guess if it was just the occasional white lie and it was clear that it was due to ADHD an not an intentional effort to mislead, maybe it wouldn't be a big deal. But in my experience, someone who will impulsively lie about something inconsequential is actually MORE likely to lie when it matters. Because it's an easy out. And it doesn't work. It sucks for the other person.

I would not enter into another relationship with someone who lied a lot, and it wouldn't matter to me if the cause was ADHD or something else. It's too hard.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he lied, he smokes pot, and he has adhd.

I’d move on from this guy, personally.

+1.

OP, I married the ADHD pothead liar guy. It’s hell. Run as fast as you can.

Honestly if you need to go on a relationship forum for a problem at all while dating, you should bail. Dating is supposed to be the fun, easy part.

Excellent point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns.

[Anonymous]

Yed but the childhood pattern is often genetic and experiential where the adults lied as well. Overreacting could also be an issue but I think less than lying with no consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

Trust goes both ways. With ADHD, the lying often stems from a lack of trust in the other person not to overreact or reject them over something. As people build trust in a relationship, the lying may disappear. One thing that is key to that is how the person reacts to discovering the lie.

So what's worse? Chronically messing up over and over or doing so & then lying about it over and over?

Or, is the "person (suffering from and) reacting from the mess up and lie" the issue?

This seems like an odd way to frame a relationship.

Going to the PPP, I think overreacting to an ADHD person's lying or mistakes can be futile. And I think lashing out to someone inquiring about a mistake is destructive as well.

Finally, saying nothing and having less communication is also destructive.
Taking responsibility for one's behavior and actions is always best. That includes answering or apologizing when someone asks What Happened?

It’s also true that people who lie a lot as adults generally formed that habit in childhood, so when they lie it’s likely not because the person they are currently lying to has an established habit of overreacting to their behavior. It’s because their parents or other caregivers used to punish them heavily for mistakes as a child and they now anticipate punishment for mistakes so lie to avoid it.

So someone with ADHD who lies compulsively may often be anticipating an overreaction from you but that doesn’t mean it’s based on experience of you overreacting. It’s much more likely to be based on childhood patterns.

OP: In my case, this is true. My partner told a lie very early on in dating me, and I had no history of overreacting to anything. We barely knew each other. I think he just assumed I wouldn't date him if I knew the truth, so he lied about it.