Does having ADHD make a partner more prone to lying?

[Anonymous]

My partner of 9 months has told three little white lies, that I am aware of. Could this have anything to do with having ADHD, in your experience?

I read that if they have been diagnosed, they often have low self-esteem from doing things wrong, and are more prone to lying to cover up mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Yes, that can absolutely be a part of ADHD. It’s typically not about trying to be hurtful or deceitful, it’s more a learned habit due to anxiety about making mistakes and getting in trouble for them. Plus the reduced impulse control means that when the impulse to tell a white lie comes up, someone with ADHD is more likely to act on that impulse before the thinking part of the brain has a chance to intervene.

[Anonymous]

Yes and it is extremely frustrating and can destroy relationships if the person with ADHD can’t figure out how to stop doing it. It can manifest as weird white lies (like for no discernible purpose) but it can also lead to more damaging lying, such as lying to avoid taking responsibility for things they’ve done, or lying about things that DO matter out if impulsivity. It can be a huge issue.

[Anonymous]

In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My partner of 9 months has told three little white lies, that I am aware of. Could this have anything to do with having ADHD, in your experience?

I read that if they have been diagnosed, they often have low self-esteem from doing things wrong, and are more prone to lying to cover up mistakes.

I don’t think it’s due to low esteem in many cases. Unf it’s a self developed type of narcissism to protect their image and ego. Those are not lacking in self esteem. True their self esteem is grossly misguided but they ain’t letting anyone in. Or doing any real self reflection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that can absolutely be a part of ADHD. It’s typically not about trying to be hurtful or deceitful, it’s more a learned habit due to anxiety about making mistakes and getting in trouble for them. Plus the reduced impulse control means that when the impulse to tell a white lie comes up, someone with ADHD is more likely to act on that impulse before the thinking part of the brain has a chance to intervene.

It results in a source of power.

Everyone around them will soon be walking on eggshells, unable to voice any concern or suggestion or even have an adult conversation in something. The disordered person gets too defiant and oppositional at anything.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s self-preservation. Why didn’t they take the trash out? Their boss called with an emergency and they didn’t have a chance. Didn’t they remember pick up their suit from the dry cleaners for the wedding? They stopped, but the dry cleaner lost it. The truth is the time got away from them, they got distracted, they forgot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

OP: Yes, this sounds like the cycle. One of the lies was that we were at a party the other night, and some people were smoking weed, and I asked him if I did (not a huge deal), and he said no. But my friend later mentioned that she saw him smoking too, when were we talking. I confronted my partner about it and he got very mad at me and hasn't talked to me in 2 days now. In fairness, I haven't called him either. I was waiting for him to cool off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

I will say, they do lie at work or in public or especially with customer service (missed a bill, lost a payment, didn’t update something, returning beyond 90 days). But most people give others the benefit of the doubt and don’t interact enough to see the pattern repeat and repeat and repeat. A spouse most certainly will, or maybe a close coworker.

[Anonymous]

I mean, obviously some people with ADHD lie, but can you really do a remotely reliable comparison with people who *don't* have ADHD?

I have ADHD and I never lie. Lying doesn't even occur to me. I just don't see the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, obviously some people with ADHD lie, but can you really do a remotely reliable comparison with people who *don't* have ADHD?

I have ADHD and I never lie. Lying doesn't even occur to me. I just don't see the point.

Same. But this is DCUM so any negative behavior a guy exhibits is due to either autism or ADHD. He's not just a selfish ahole

[Anonymous]

You can't have a good relationship with a liar. It's not possible. It's a pretend, stand-in relationship because there is no trust, therefore no intimacy. No point in it. Don't waste your time, unless you want a "better than nothing" pretend relationship. Which is fine if that's what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that can absolutely be a part of ADHD. It’s typically not about trying to be hurtful or deceitful, it’s more a learned habit due to anxiety about making mistakes and getting in trouble for them. Plus the reduced impulse control means that when the impulse to tell a white lie comes up, someone with ADHD is more likely to act on that impulse before the thinking part of the brain has a chance to intervene.

It results in a source of power.

Everyone around them will soon be walking on eggshells, unable to voice any concern or suggestion or even have an adult conversation in something. The disordered person gets too defiant and oppositional at anything.

This post and the two before it (which have the feel of being from the same person), definitely have an axe to grind that isn’t about people with ADHD generally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

This is absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience yes. If you are close to someone with ADD or ASD they can’t keep their public best behavior on 24/7 and unless they really worked on it, they have no positive coping methods to deal with their inevitable mistakes, thus they lie.
Sadly, in many cases they’ve been lying to cover up their mishaps for so long they’ve convinced themselves there is no mishap and whomever is pointing it out is attacking them.

It’s a bad cycle. And kids will copy it.

The mistake, the denial, the excuses, the blaming others, the lying, the storming off.

It’s developmentally quite juvenile.

I will say, they do lie at work or in public or especially with customer service (missed a bill, lost a payment, didn’t update something, returning beyond 90 days). But most people give others the benefit of the doubt and don’t interact enough to see the pattern repeat and repeat and repeat. A spouse most certainly will, or maybe a close coworker.

NP with ADHD. I don’t lie when I miss a bill or lose something. I honestly tell them I made a mistake. Usually my obsessive calendar and list keeping keeps me on track, but sometimes things do slip through the cracks.

As for returns, I have lost count of how much crap I have had to write off because I miss the return window. It’s why I never order things online any more. So some of us have ADD and just suffer the consequences without trying to cover up.