Squandered elite education

[Anonymous]

Daughter of immigrants here who grew up poor…like dirt poor. I too squandered my education and literally learned about stocks from the gme fiasco. It’s about family and how they raise you and what they teach you, we didn’t have that, so we are stuck and yes I have to ask people what they do when I see even 200k plus salaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a similar position. I chose an interesting career field after graduating from a T10 undergrad and was on that steep trajectory that PP mentioned. However, fear of losing what I had kept me from taking advantage of some opportunities that would've propelled me further, faster. In the end, though, I was still on a good path.

What really knocked me for a loop was motherhood. My mother was basically a SAHM with part-time jobs here and there. My dad was a 9-5 mid-level guy at a small, family-owned business in a very small town. They were considered successful. I never saw nannies and major childcare options. When I became a mom, I did not know how to navigate "having it all" and there were no female mentors in my field that I trusted to teach me.

So, I mommy-tracked myself and killed my career. Eventually, I off-ramped altogether. I see young women now who have a sense of how to balance a lot more (truth be told, their husbands also have a much bigger role in childcare and household duties than mine did, having been raised in a similar family as myself).

TLDR: Yes, the whole thing is a game and knowing how to play all facets of it is certainly helpful. My parents thought the acceptance to that undergrad was the golden ticket. It was only the tip of the iceberg.

Not rural but my parents were immigrants and this so resonates!

They love to talk about my prestigious undergrad and I sorta cringe. My career is fine but not amazing. Sometimes I feel like I squandered a lot as well.

I think it may be a generational thing as well. I grew up in a rural area but my parents were college-educated. They actually did have the experience that the degree was the golden ticket - they did stuff like farm work, factory work, etc in the summers but as soon as they had that BA they were able to walk into white collar jobs. And my dad stayed in the same one until retirement at 59. I would ask them how to navigate career and grad school stuff and they'd be like "...we don't know, our experience was smart people get good jobs, it seems different now." And honestly they're in shock at how low our salaries are compared to COL.

There is a generational component, but this is greatly accentuated by the rural/ small town component. Some of our classmates joined the hedge funds that their parents founded or took over dad's law firm. They somehow had no generational divide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re having a midlife crisis. This will pass soon enough.

The fact is that an Ivy League education is not the basis of all success, which you are now realizing too late. You have a good life. Be happy.

I KNOW THIS IS MIDLIFE CRISIS. doesn’t make me feel any better, and in fact know it’s too late to change course more or less.

3 kids, which are my joy, but worried I’m making them obsess about income and career from my own failings.

I’m not trying to discount how you feel, I’m just pointing out that it’s totally normal to feel that way. You haven’t failed anything. Your life is not a failure. There just come a point for most people that they question whether they could have done better. For you, it’s thankfully only in your job and not in everything in your life. There is no way to get through it than to get through it. You will feel better.

[Anonymous]

What would you do if you had a higher income?

[Anonymous]

I thought you were going to say you went to Yale then became a SAHM. You didn’t squander your degree at all. You’ve done well. You set goals for yourself, and you achieved them. It’s completely legitimate for work-life balance to be one of your goals. You’ve done great, OP.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I have an elite educational background, both undergrad and Ivy professional school. Moreover, I had a privileged upbringing. In fact, I was so accustomed to money growing on trees that I didn't even recognize that it doesn't (I don't have a trust fund). I now earn about $400k, and at this level, all I do is look around at the others with a similar top-tier educational background who are law firm partners or private equity or hedge fund financiers, or at least specialist physicians at top hospitals with excellent job security and pay, who I went to schools with, and wonder why I didn't try to do what they do. They earn multiples of what I earn, and it bothers me, and it is my own doing.

But here is the thing. Someone I know with a net worth of a half billion or so actually explained to me that the coveting never stops. He was honestly explaining that there's always a tier above, and a tier above that, and you will want it, and at some point, somehow, you have to make peace with what you've done and where you are. This guy felt powerfully that he still wanted more and hadn't earned enough, but to his credit recognized the pathology at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would you do if you had a higher income?

Travel more, retire early, biggest thing is DW could quit job she hates. (I’ve posted before for those playing along at home, just midlife weighing down and running into old classmates now retired and living at lake houses).

[Anonymous]

Teach your kids better OP. Sounds like you didn't have any guidance growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up pretty lower middle class in a rural southern town. I escaped by getting into an Ivy League and getting tons of aid.

And then promptly squandered that opportunity by making all the wrong career choices (I never interned while in college, just went home and helped out my folks), didn’t understand the potential salary ranges for various careers nor the importance of prestige and clout for your work history (I looked for interesting work in towns I thought would be interesting to live in)

That’s how I ended up in DC, working for a gov contractor on DoD projects — post 9/11 working on defense seemed cool, jobs seemed stable, and I had never lived in a bigger East coast city. I especially appreciated the stability of the job after going through the dot.com crash.

But I could have done so much more with my elite college education, I just squandered it on jobs that fit my lifestyle (clock out at 5) and stability. No idea that you real people could make $400k or $500k — my parents house TODAY is only worth $100k, so this sounds like made up numbers only people like Gates make. As an old person I realize how dumb I was. Anyone relate?

Sorry but how did you not know to do internships? I was also a first-gen college student at an Ivy from a rural, low-income background. I realized that getting internships was crucial even as an underclassmen because so many of the students around me at my Ivy were very aggressively searching for internships. I knew that sophomore and junior summers were CRUCIAL in getting internships + a job offer post-grad, even as my parents had no idea how to navigate the white-collar professional world.

Then again, I graduated in 2012, so different times. But still, the internship search + corporate recruiting was a big part of the campus culture, so I knew I had to figure it out.

Internships weren’t as common in the early ‘90s, even at the Ivys. There’s twenty years between 2012 and when op graduated.

[Anonymous]

Sure. Went to a top school across the country and paid my way through grad school to “waste” it by working a few years and then staying at home. But the education and experiences I had really enriched my life.

[Anonymous]

Where is the "comparison is the thief of joy" person when we need them? I love it when that person posts. I guess I will be that person. Advice: Comparison is the thief of joy. I know it feels like people at your elite college all make more, but they don't. I can assure you. I know plenty of Harvard and Yale and other elite graduates in government, academia, the arts, journalism, etc. They lead fulfilling lives and contribute greatly to society and are able to live comfortably. But they aren't making $200K+ a year. If you are in a career where you are making a contribution (either to society, your own wealth, or both), you have not squandered anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well Yes in that I made similar choices and came from a similar background and think salaries larger than $200K sound made up. No regrets from me though. I’ve been very happy with my life and I love having time and bandwidth and stability to spend time with my kids while still making a huge (to me) salary of $120K. It’s not squandering if you lived a happy and intellectually stimulating life.

+ 1 million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is the "comparison is the thief of joy" person when we need them? I love it when that person posts. I guess I will be that person. Advice: Comparison is the thief of joy. I know it feels like people at your elite college all make more, but they don't. I can assure you. I know plenty of Harvard and Yale and other elite graduates in government, academia, the arts, journalism, etc. They lead fulfilling lives and contribute greatly to society and are able to live comfortably. But they aren't making $200K+ a year. If you are in a career where you are making a contribution (either to society, your own wealth, or both), you have not squandered anything.

I also know Ivy grads in these careers. They are disproportionately from well-off backgrounds. The few middle/low-income Ivy students I know who went into these fields are bitter and resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up pretty lower middle class in a rural southern town. I escaped by getting into an Ivy League and getting tons of aid.

And then promptly squandered that opportunity by making all the wrong career choices (I never interned while in college, just went home and helped out my folks), didn’t understand the potential salary ranges for various careers nor the importance of prestige and clout for your work history (I looked for interesting work in towns I thought would be interesting to live in)

That’s how I ended up in DC, working for a gov contractor on DoD projects — post 9/11 working on defense seemed cool, jobs seemed stable, and I had never lived in a bigger East coast city. I especially appreciated the stability of the job after going through the dot.com crash.

But I could have done so much more with my elite college education, I just squandered it on jobs that fit my lifestyle (clock out at 5) and stability. No idea that you real people could make $400k or $500k — my parents house TODAY is only worth $100k, so this sounds like made up numbers only people like Gates make. As an old person I realize how dumb I was. Anyone relate?

Sorry but how did you not know to do internships? I was also a first-gen college student at an Ivy from a rural, low-income background. I realized that getting internships was crucial even as an underclassmen because so many of the students around me at my Ivy were very aggressively searching for internships. I knew that sophomore and junior summers were CRUCIAL in getting internships + a job offer post-grad, even as my parents had no idea how to navigate the white-collar professional world.

Then again, I graduated in 2012, so different times. But still, the internship search + corporate recruiting was a big part of the campus culture, so I knew I had to figure it out.

Well first off, this was the 90s. Money was not talked about as readily as it is today, and the necessity of internships rather than just a nice to have was not clear. I actually wasn’t gunning for a corporate job; I didn’t care about being rich just comfortable. Unfortunately with housing, college costs, etc, a $130k job is not comfortable in most cities. I mean houses on Howard County are $900k. I would love to move some where cheaper but pay drops usually in step with COL, and college costs are high no matter how cheap your house is. Maybe if I had a friend who knew the ropes they may have set me down, but I hung out with other kids on scholarship by nature of the social scene on campus.


Also internships didn’t pay as much (there was a whole ruckus about how unpaid internships were elitist in the 2000s). How did you afford paying for housing and board in the internship city? Most of my classmates either went home to their home cities and interned there — I went home and worked at local factory to earn tuition money. An internship would have been at BEST net zero or more likely cost money.

OP, I'm in the same boat - I went to an Ivy in the 90's and in a certain sense, squandered my opportunity. I really appreciate what a previous poster said, though, about each generation doing better than the previous one. By that measure, I am doing just fine. I certainly know much more about how to guide my own children. Anyway, would you and the others who have been responded be interested in some sort of Ivy Underachievers meetup or support group? I have to figure out how to make a burner email address for this. I really do think that we could all support each other! And share advice for the next generation...

Not OP but my reactions were, "Yes! I would love that!" followed by "...but what if I'm the underachiever of THAT group too? Damn it."

NP here. I would love to start an Ivy Underachievers Support Group (LOL) as well. I wonder if anyone here would be responsive to a burner email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up pretty lower middle class in a rural southern town. I escaped by getting into an Ivy League and getting tons of aid.

And then promptly squandered that opportunity by making all the wrong career choices (I never interned while in college, just went home and helped out my folks), didn’t understand the potential salary ranges for various careers nor the importance of prestige and clout for your work history (I looked for interesting work in towns I thought would be interesting to live in)

That’s how I ended up in DC, working for a gov contractor on DoD projects — post 9/11 working on defense seemed cool, jobs seemed stable, and I had never lived in a bigger East coast city. I especially appreciated the stability of the job after going through the dot.com crash.

But I could have done so much more with my elite college education, I just squandered it on jobs that fit my lifestyle (clock out at 5) and stability. No idea that you real people could make $400k or $500k — my parents house TODAY is only worth $100k, so this sounds like made up numbers only people like Gates make. As an old person I realize how dumb I was. Anyone relate?

Sorry but how did you not know to do internships? I was also a first-gen college student at an Ivy from a rural, low-income background. I realized that getting internships was crucial even as an underclassmen because so many of the students around me at my Ivy were very aggressively searching for internships. I knew that sophomore and junior summers were CRUCIAL in getting internships + a job offer post-grad, even as my parents had no idea how to navigate the white-collar professional world.

Then again, I graduated in 2012, so different times. But still, the internship search + corporate recruiting was a big part of the campus culture, so I knew I had to figure it out.

Well first off, this was the 90s. Money was not talked about as readily as it is today, and the necessity of internships rather than just a nice to have was not clear. I actually wasn’t gunning for a corporate job; I didn’t care about being rich just comfortable. Unfortunately with housing, college costs, etc, a $130k job is not comfortable in most cities. I mean houses on Howard County are $900k. I would love to move some where cheaper but pay drops usually in step with COL, and college costs are high no matter how cheap your house is. Maybe if I had a friend who knew the ropes they may have set me down, but I hung out with other kids on scholarship by nature of the social scene on campus.


Also internships didn’t pay as much (there was a whole ruckus about how unpaid internships were elitist in the 2000s). How did you afford paying for housing and board in the internship city? Most of my classmates either went home to their home cities and interned there — I went home and worked at local factory to earn tuition money. An internship would have been at BEST net zero or more likely cost money.

OP, I'm in the same boat - I went to an Ivy in the 90's and in a certain sense, squandered my opportunity. I really appreciate what a previous poster said, though, about each generation doing better than the previous one. By that measure, I am doing just fine. I certainly know much more about how to guide my own children. Anyway, would you and the others who have been responded be interested in some sort of Ivy Underachievers meetup or support group? I have to figure out how to make a burner email address for this. I really do think that we could all support each other! And share advice for the next generation...

Not OP but my reactions were, "Yes! I would love that!" followed by "...but what if I'm the underachiever of THAT group too? Damn it."

NP here. I would love to start an Ivy Underachievers Support Group (LOL) as well. I wonder if anyone here would be responsive to a burner email.

+2

I would also be interested in joining. FYI I am a current college student and I've posted on this forum before ("Is $80k in debt worth it for Ivy Undergrad?").