How to prevent lazy adult child from living with parents indefinitely?

[Anonymous]

If a kid isn't sure about college, electrician and plumber training can be a constructive gap year activity. In best case scenario, he'll have a more mature mind and a part time income for college years. In worst case scenario, he'll have a lucrative career to become self sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two young adult sons who live with us. One has low IQ. The other has mental health issues. The first went to trade school and got into a dead end job. It took quite awhile and a lot of encouragement and assistance, but this spring (five years out of HS), he was finally ready to try something new. I helped him get a government job and I worked with him to secure the credentials he needed to onboard. Now I’m working with him to move out.

In the meantime, he has had to pay his portion of car insurance and he’s had to pay substantial rent. He also had to buy his own car (or take the bus becaise we stopped loaning him ours). We don’t need the money so he will have tens of thousands of dollars when he goes.

The other thing we did/do is to make him contribute to the functioning of the household. He takes care of the outside, changes the oil in our cars, drives around younger siblings, and sometimes other things. He’s an adult and should be contributing, not taken care of.

With my second, Who is two years out of HS, I actually filled out the job applications and scheduled the interviews. He works part time - 30ish hours a week. He’s had the job since summer after 11th grade. Now I’m working with him on applying to community college where he’ll try a class if he can pull it together. I actually am not sure it’s possible. He too had to buy his own vehicle and pay car insurance. He elected to use public transportation because he doesn’t feel capable of working more and with his current situation, insurance takes more than he feels he can pay. He knows that when our kids all finish HS, we will be selling our house and he will have to move- whether with us or elsewhere.

At one point his therapist said we might have to set him up for six months and let him figure it out. Get the apartment, move him in, or at all of the rent, etc. i am hoping it does t get to that, but who knows.

I think the thing is is that some kids take more time and that for some of us, parenting doesn’t easily transform from caring for our kids to just paying college bills for a few years before they’re on their own. And for some kids, it’s tough moving into adulthood. I happen to have two with very different reasons for their delay. I think things like charging rent are good. But I don’t approach that punitively. I don’t charge it because they didn’t launch as early as possible or didn’t choose the path I wanted for them. I charge and require participation in running the household because that’s what adults do.

I'm not the OP, but am struggling with a depressed and unmotivated teen. This is all good advice.

Someone recently shared this article with me, which I think provides a positive framework for empowering a young adult like OP's son, rather than addressing the situation punitively.

https://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/helpful-hints-empowering-vs-enabling

[Anonymous]

To stay engaged in education, he can take one non credit english course at a local college in addition to whatever else he ends up doing for gap year. He may end up liking college enough to enroll.

[Anonymous]

OP, There is very, very big demand in the economy for unskilled male labor type jobs.

My boyfriend's son is developmental issues and graduated from special ed in high school.

He went in and interviewed at a foreign car repair place. He is unskilled. He was offered $30,000 per year on the spot as a helper. He did not accept that job. He has a drivers license. He is working at a furniture store in the warehouse and also driving the delivery truck with another guy making deliveries. It pays $12 per hour but he is getting about $100 in cash tips per day. The delivery truck driver position only requires a standard license. Like the auto repair shop he was offered the warehouse/driving job on the spot at the time of his interview.

Once we got sonster looking around for jobs I realize that there are a ton of unskilled guy jobs available in the market place. Businesses are still desperate for workers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He gets two options - Full time work or full time school. I wouldn’t push college but perhaps a trade school or certificate program. He needs to be busy since he won’t do it himself yet

+1

Full time job or full time school. Those are the two only options to stay at home. Sitting around the house doing nothing...not an option!

Does he help around the house? Make him do chores, cook, clean, laundry, etc. Cut his phone/electronics. Make him get out of his room.

You have to be proactive!

[Anonymous]

Make sure that mental health conditions, such as depression and ADHD, are ruled out.

[Anonymous]

Sell the house, get a VW shaggin' wagon, and let nature take its course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He gets two options - Full time work or full time school. I wouldn’t push college but perhaps a trade school or certificate program. He needs to be busy since he won’t do it himself yet

+1

Full time job or full time school. Those are the two only options to stay at home. Sitting around the house doing nothing...not an option!

Does he help around the house? Make him do chores, cook, clean, laundry, etc. Cut his phone/electronics. Make him get out of his room.

You have to be proactive!

Agree with this. Full time community college/vocational school OR fulltime job. If working, contributes some of it towards groceries and utilities. Takes out the family trash, does the dinner dishes, cleans his room and some of the common area.

[Anonymous]

A PROGRAM?! Are you seriously looking for a thing to enroll an adult in to get him to move out of your house? It's your house. Charge rent. Done.

[Anonymous]

Americorps

[Anonymous]

If you didn't raise your kids to leave the nest and go make their own way in the world at the age of 18, you should have, OP. Kind of late in the game to be wondering about this now. I raised my kids to be hard-working, independent men and women. My job is done when they turn 18. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't raise your kids to leave the nest and go make their own way in the world at the age of 18, you should have, OP. Kind of late in the game to be wondering about this now. I raised my kids to be hard-working, independent men and women. My job is done when they turn 18. Good luck.

DP here. I actually raised my kids to not leave the nest @ 18. Sure, they go to college etc, but in the end I want my kids to become UMC or richer. I want them to survive recessions and tanking economies. I want them to be able to pivot in their career and education. I want them to be sought after by employers. I want them to have flexibility and I also want them to be married and have kids. Most of all, I want them to give the same advantages to their own kids, that we gave to them - paid college, help with wedding, car, help with down payment to home, etc.

My kids are living with us as they start their career and saving money. Are they contributing to rent? No. Are they doing chores etc at home? No. Their job right now is to do well at work, learn all that they can, get more certifications and qualifications on the side, network with other professionals etc.

I do not believe that your kids are on their own after 18. This is a poor dad mentality. You give them the support and guidance from the time that they are born until they are firmly settled in their career and domestic life. Even then, you continue to guide them and support them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My kids are living with us as they start their career and saving money. Are they contributing to rent? No. Are they doing chores etc at home? No. Their job right now is to do well at work, learn all that they can, get more certifications and qualifications on the side, network with other professionals etc.

This is going to end very badly. It may be long enough in the future from now that you'll be able to deny that it's related. But it will be a disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My kids are living with us as they start their career and saving money. Are they contributing to rent? No. Are they doing chores etc at home? No. Their job right now is to do well at work, learn all that they can, get more certifications and qualifications on the side, network with other professionals etc.

This is going to end very badly. It may be long enough in the future from now that you'll be able to deny that it's related. But it will be a disaster.

I disagree. My parents did this for my brother and sister — one ended up in the trades and is happily married with two kids and a wife with a college degree and a sister who ended up with two master’s degrees and has a well-paying job and has traveled the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My kids are living with us as they start their career and saving money. Are they contributing to rent? No. Are they doing chores etc at home? No. Their job right now is to do well at work, learn all that they can, get more certifications and qualifications on the side, network with other professionals etc.

This is going to end very badly. It may be long enough in the future from now that you'll be able to deny that it's related. But it will be a disaster.

I feel for their future spouses