How to prevent lazy adult child from living with parents indefinitely?

[Anonymous]

Child has never had much motivation or aspirations. Doesn’t care about money or partnering with anyone. He’s kind of a loner. Quiet. Harmless. Respects house rules. He’s not interested in pursuing college. Likes the idea of traveling, but isn’t a planner and lacks initiative. Bouts of depression as a teen.

He graduates this spring and has no plan, aside from keeping a part time job at a restaurant that he sometimes enjoys. He’s not cut for the military and probably won’t finish college. Earning potential isn’t promising.

Is there a program or opportunity we can look into to at least get him out of the house after he graduates? If we don’t have some sort of plan in place getting him to move out will get harder and harder as time passes.

[Anonymous]

Charge rent. Don’t pay for things like car insurance (but do pay for health insurance if needed)

[Anonymous]

He’s still a kid, and sounds like a good one. Give him time. You’re his parent for Pete’s sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s still a kid, and sounds like a good one. Give him time. You’re his parent for Pete’s sake.

+1 Help him find something that he would enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Charge him rent. Keep raising it until living elsewhere would be less expensive than living with you.

[Anonymous]

tell him you are willing to pay for his living expenses if he goes to any type of higher education. It doesn't have to be a college, but it could be community college. It could be a trade school.

If he's had bouts of depression, was he on any meds? Maybe he needs to see a therapist, too.

[Anonymous]

Are you talking about a 17/18 year old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s still a kid, and sounds like a good one. Give him time. You’re his parent for Pete’s sake.

+1 Help him find something that he would enjoy.

Yes, this.

Life is long and there's plenty of time to find something he enjoys. It's not like he's a woman who has a biological clock to conisder.

I work with a fairly successful man about 60 who did nothing in his 20s but around 30 he suddenly became motivated to get a MBA. He found a program that didn't require a bachelor's (but had a number of other requirements). He got into the program and made it work. Also, Sam Harris spent his 20s meditating and the got his PhD in Neuroscience. He comes from a privileged background, but it's just evidence that some people need more time and space to sort themselves out.

I also think charging rent, though, is totally fair and reasonable.

[Anonymous]

I would demand mine go to college

[Anonymous]

If he gets a high school diploma he can go to college. Somewhere. If you aren't willing to pay, sometime of training program and he rents a basement, cheap apartment somewhere -- but only for what he can afford. A single room and it won't be pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would demand mine go to college

And then lose your shit when they flunk out?

[Anonymous]

Require them to take at least one or two local college courses or technical college courses each semester if they want to live there rent free. Otherwise when they turn 18 cut off all extra spending money. Next year charge rent, first year keep it low but enough they would need at least a part time job to cover it. Increase rent by 10-20% each year. After you hit a point where they are paying legitimate rent then start charging utilities, food etc. Set them up with a way that they have to do SOMETHING if they want to stay there so they don’t just turn into a lump with no skills.

If you don’t actually need the rent money then put it into a savings account and don’t tell them. When they become responsible and move out into their own place, or get a college degree or usable trade skill, you give the money back to them - either all or part and teach them about investing /paying yourself first and how a small amount of money can turn into a large sum if you haven’t already done so.

[Anonymous]

Require him to work full time and pay rent. Continually check in about a plan to move out of the house. Require him to exercise and socialize. No tv or video games.

[Anonymous]

He needs a dose of financial reality. I would require a 40 hour week job and he needs to pay his expenses. Communicate your expectations. Is he doesn’t like your rules, move out.

[Anonymous]

I had a child exactly like yours. He had no motivation to do anything with his life, did the bare minimum to graduate high school and did not go to college after graduation. I was about to give up on him until a coworker of mine gave me this idea. His daughter is the same age as my son and she is absolutely beautiful and a college student. She sent my son IG's account with several of her beautiful pictures and pretended that they weren't meant for another IG account. That's how they met and hung out for a couple of months. She was definitely out of my son's league. After two months, she told him that she couldn't be his GF because he wasn't in college and had no ambition. If he wanted to be with someone like her, he needed to go to college and do something with his life, and she just dumped him. That was the motivation he needed. He just finished his 2nd year at NVCC and is now a Jr. at UVA. Btw, I ended up paying my coworker's daughter 15K for playing this role. It is worth every penny.