How to prevent lazy adult child from living with parents indefinitely?

[Anonymous]

My brother was similar. My parents required him to either be in school or move out. He moved out but he soon learned working full time in a dead end job that he wanted more in life, went to community college then university and got an MBA top of his class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would demand mine go to college

College or military, either way he has to have a plan to leave the nest

[Anonymous]

My ds is like yours, op. Except he has diagnosed anxiety, is socially immature and is on the spectrum. He applied to colleges and was accepted but had no idea what he wanted to major in and what career he wanted to pursue. We told him college or a job. As soon as his peers left for college, he got a job and has been working almost full time for over two years. Now he realizes it is a job, not a career. He also realizes that he needs school to get a better job or career. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do but he is thinking about re-applying to school. Life is long and we are not pushing in these early years bc he is being productive. We have suggested trade school many many times but he isn’t interested. We are hopeful he will find his path. We do think he needs to live away from us for a bit but it is hard to force him if he is so anxious.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of interesting gap year programs. My son did NOLs and loved it. I think generally students apply to college and then defer. But I don’t know if that’s always the case. Obviously you’d have to pay and he wouldn’t be working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a child exactly like yours. He had no motivation to do anything with his life, did the bare minimum to graduate high school and did not go to college after graduation. I was about to give up on him until a coworker of mine gave me this idea. His daughter is the same age as my son and she is absolutely beautiful and a college student. She sent my son IG's account with several of her beautiful pictures and pretended that they weren't meant for another IG account. That's how they met and hung out for a couple of months. She was definitely out of my son's league. After two months, she told him that she couldn't be his GF because he wasn't in college and had no ambition. If he wanted to be with someone like her, he needed to go to college and do something with his life, and she just dumped him. That was the motivation he needed. He just finished his 2nd year at NVCC and is now a Jr. at UVA. Btw, I ended up paying my coworker's daughter 15K for playing this role. It is worth every penny.

Yeah, that happened. #sarcasm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would demand mine go to college

Bad idea. I was like the OP's kid and I did go to college and I flunked out. After a few years of living at home and working a retail job my father drove me to Rockville ( we lived all the way on the other side of the beltway at that time) and enrolled me in one of those programs that prepares you for office work. I was 22 at the time. They taught us all the basic programs, how to write a resume, how to interview, office etiquette, etc. They also offered job placement so at the end I ended up answering phones at an insurance agency. That was about 30 years ago. Now I'm a director working for a non-profit, I own a home in DC, and I'm a single mother of two (one in college).

OP, encourage support, and guide. If needed do the work for him, and find him a job training program, a job, a trade school, etc. I was unmotivated and content just living at home. I wasn't a bad kid, I wasn't in trouble; I was just very blah. My dad didn't even ask me what I wanted; one day he said, Let's go I'm taking you to enroll in this program. I'm forever grateful he did that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would demand mine go to college

Bad idea. I was like the OP's kid and I did go to college and I flunked out. After a few years of living at home and working a retail job my father drove me to Rockville ( we lived all the way on the other side of the beltway at that time) and enrolled me in one of those programs that prepares you for office work. I was 22 at the time. They taught us all the basic programs, how to write a resume, how to interview, office etiquette, etc. They also offered job placement so at the end I ended up answering phones at an insurance agency. That was about 30 years ago. Now I'm a director working for a non-profit, I own a home in DC, and I'm a single mother of two (one in college).

OP, encourage support, and guide. If needed do the work for him, and find him a job training program, a job, a trade school, etc. I was unmotivated and content just living at home. I wasn't a bad kid, I wasn't in trouble; I was just very blah. My dad didn't even ask me what I wanted; one day he said, Let's go I'm taking you to enroll in this program. I'm forever grateful he did that.

Thanks for sharing this

[Anonymous]

Encourage him to bump up his restaurant job to full time and to take on more and more responsibility there. It will be good experience even if he goes in a totally different direction later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Encourage him to bump up his restaurant job to full time and to take on more and more responsibility there. It will be good experience even if he goes in a totally different direction later.

Restaurants don't like having full time employees, so getting bumped to full time probably won't happen. He can get a second retail job during the day if he wants to experience life with multiple low paying part time jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a child exactly like yours. He had no motivation to do anything with his life, did the bare minimum to graduate high school and did not go to college after graduation. I was about to give up on him until a coworker of mine gave me this idea. His daughter is the same age as my son and she is absolutely beautiful and a college student. She sent my son IG's account with several of her beautiful pictures and pretended that they weren't meant for another IG account. That's how they met and hung out for a couple of months. She was definitely out of my son's league. After two months, she told him that she couldn't be his GF because he wasn't in college and had no ambition. If he wanted to be with someone like her, he needed to go to college and do something with his life, and she just dumped him. That was the motivation he needed. He just finished his 2nd year at NVCC and is now a Jr. at UVA. Btw, I ended up paying my coworker's daughter 15K for playing this role. It is worth every penny.

Yeah, that happened. #sarcasm

It’s the plot of a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker. Failure to launch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Child has never had much motivation or aspirations. Doesn’t care about money or partnering with anyone. He’s kind of a loner. Quiet. Harmless. Respects house rules. He’s not interested in pursuing college. Likes the idea of traveling, but isn’t a planner and lacks initiative. Bouts of depression as a teen.

He graduates this spring and has no plan, aside from keeping a part time job at a restaurant that he sometimes enjoys. He’s not cut for the military and probably won’t finish college. Earning potential isn’t promising.

Is there a program or opportunity we can look into to at least get him out of the house after he graduates? If we don’t have some sort of plan in place getting him to move out will get harder and harder as time passes.

Be patient and encourage him to explore college and job ideas without worrying about failures.

[Anonymous]

If he likes traveling, look for a job on a cruise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would demand mine go to college

Bad idea. I was like the OP's kid and I did go to college and I flunked out. After a few years of living at home and working a retail job my father drove me to Rockville ( we lived all the way on the other side of the beltway at that time) and enrolled me in one of those programs that prepares you for office work. I was 22 at the time. They taught us all the basic programs, how to write a resume, how to interview, office etiquette, etc. They also offered job placement so at the end I ended up answering phones at an insurance agency. That was about 30 years ago. Now I'm a director working for a non-profit, I own a home in DC, and I'm a single mother of two (one in college).

OP, encourage support, and guide. If needed do the work for him, and find him a job training program, a job, a trade school, etc. I was unmotivated and content just living at home. I wasn't a bad kid, I wasn't in trouble; I was just very blah. My dad didn't even ask me what I wanted; one day he said, Let's go I'm taking you to enroll in this program. I'm forever grateful he did that.

You sound like you have a wonderful father!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell him you are willing to pay for his living expenses if he goes to any type of higher education. It doesn't have to be a college, but it could be community college. It could be a trade school.

If he's had bouts of depression, was he on any meds? Maybe he needs to see a therapist, too.

This. There are many options for education/training other than a 4 year college.
My sibling went to appliance repair school in the same situation, did that for a while and then was motivated to go to culinary school and found his career there.
Coding credentials? Cooking? Hair? Auto mechanic? Vet tech? Childcare? All are decent careers and could also be a stepping stone if he chooses later on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child has never had much motivation or aspirations. Doesn’t care about money or partnering with anyone. He’s kind of a loner. Quiet. Harmless. Respects house rules. He’s not interested in pursuing college. Likes the idea of traveling, but isn’t a planner and lacks initiative. Bouts of depression as a teen.

He graduates this spring and has no plan, aside from keeping a part time job at a restaurant that he sometimes enjoys. He’s not cut for the military and probably won’t finish college. Earning potential isn’t promising.

Is there a program or opportunity we can look into to at least get him out of the house after he graduates? If we don’t have some sort of plan in place getting him to move out will get harder and harder as time passes.

Be patient and encourage him to explore college and job ideas without worrying about failures.

And plan on buying a new sofa yearly when he wears yours out.