Destitute father

[Anonymous]

wow, OP, big hug to you. I wish all the strength to get through this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a lawyer who works with the elderly. The situation your father is in is very sad but unfortunately very common. I would contact DC's Department of Aging and Community Living (website: https://dacl.dc.gov/) or Legal Counsel for the Elderly (hotline is 202-434-2120). Both can advise you on social service supports and affordable housing options for DC seniors, and LCE can provide legal advice on his current housing situation.

This sounds like a very stressful situation, and I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a lawyer who works with the elderly. The situation your father is in is very sad but unfortunately very common. I would contact DC's Department of Aging and Community Living (website: https://dacl.dc.gov/) or Legal Counsel for the Elderly (hotline is 202-434-2120). Both can advise you on social service supports and affordable housing options for DC seniors, and LCE can provide legal advice on his current housing situation.

This sounds like a very stressful situation, and I'm sorry.

I should add that if your father has undiagnosed mental health issues, is hoarding and lacks the capacity to care for himself, he may need a guardian. A social worker or psychologist can make that assessment. If you cannot reason with him and get him to accept help (food card, Medicaid), a social worker may be able to help. Please call DACL for information (see website above).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So far, this is what I’ve learned:
-You don’t want to call adult protective services because it will hurt your father’s pride
-You are married to someone who cheats on you and abuses you
-You are the only sibling taking care of your father
-You estimate you’ve paid at least $100K towards helping your father
-You have 3 young children
-Your father is located in DC and has no electricity.

Honestly, it’s time to put you first. You have permission to stop being the victim, the caretaker and the savior. Be selfish. Embrace it. Tell everyone to f*k off. Let your siblings deal with your father. Be the mother your children need you to be and stop putting up with all this nonsense. Your father has made choices. Let him live with them. Kick your husband out. Put yourself first.

+10000

Best post on here.

[Anonymous]

You need to apply for food stamps for him as well as other benefits.
He doesn’t get a say

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to apply for food stamps for him as well as other benefits.
He doesn’t get a say

Unless OP gets him declared mentally incompetent, He DOES have a say.

[Anonymous]

Ultimately, it will take a crisis to change the situation. If he is evicted and must go to a men’s shelter, they can start the process on securing him more stable housing. If he refuses a shelter snd choses to live in his car, that is his right, as long as he has capacity to make his own decisions (and it sounds like he does, despite the mental health issues, drinking, etc.).

You *cannot* sacrifice your well-being, and that of your kids, for your father. That money keeps YOUR family away from a crisis, or finding yourself without the resources to afford the basic resources you need to stay well. And it wouldn’t even help your father in the long-run; it would merely be a bandaid.

He is an adult who has made his choices, abs you can’t fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. He is in DC. I am struggling with his rent which is under $2000. I also have three toddlers who aren’t old enough for school. I put the eldest in private prek and the other two are home with me so I can’t sustain him. I’m looking into the services for older people in dc. His pride is going to be a huge problem. I have suggested Medicaid, food stamps etc and he has been vehemently opposed.

so, the good news is that DC (and maryland) are not filial support states. (in pa and va, the nursing homes can come after the adult children for support debts.)

If you are in DC, I'd also see if your in-bound elementary school had any pre-k slots open up, so you can reduce your outgo. finally, yes, you need to talk to dc's aging services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad ended up living in his camper for a spell. It’s not actually the end of the world. I love my dad but you can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Hugs OP.

Don’t light yourself on fire, but take care of you parents. Good Lord. Teach your kids the circle of life.

[Anonymous]

For subsidized senior housing in DC go to: https://dchousingsearch.org/index.html

Go to advanced search and you can filter for senior housing where rent is a sliding scale based on income.

For SNAP, Medicaid, etc, reach out to the Department of Aging and Community Living: https://dacl.dc.gov/service/benefits-assistance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d call adult protective services. They know the options and how to find services.

That will open a whole can of worms and possibly make situation even more complicated.

Have you ever called them? That has not been our experience or the experience of others I know who have. It's not like Child Protective Services. It takes them forever to do anything and they are pretty passive. It's another resource and that's it. They may have some ideas. It's not like calling the police. Nothing to fear with APS other than they won]t do anything useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad ended up living in his camper for a spell. It’s not actually the end of the world. I love my dad but you can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Hugs OP.

Don’t light yourself on fire, but take care of you parents. Good Lord. Teach your kids the circle of life.

This is such BS advice. My grandparents took in my grandma and my dad was so disgusted with the situation he wanted nothing to do with his own mother once he moved out and had his degrees. It was a massive stress on the family that killed my grandfather because it was too much on his shoulders. The circle of life BS can turn into kids losing a happy family and losing a parent all to help out a grandparent. Everyone needs to figure out what they and their family can handle in terms of help and have healthy boundaries. People say "your kids are watching." Yes, they are and they don't want mom having a nervous breakdown dealing with grandpa's issues.

[Anonymous]

Sorry grandparents took in my dad's grandma so my great-grandma.