Destitute father

[Anonymous]

Do NOT sacrifice yourself OP! Please, I beg of you, keep your money. Help him in non monetary ways. PP’s have good suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. He is in DC. I am struggling with his rent which is under $2000. I also have three toddlers who aren’t old enough for school. I put the eldest in private prek and the other two are home with me so I can’t sustain him. I’m looking into the services for older people in dc. His pride is going to be a huge problem. I have suggested Medicaid, food stamps etc and he has been vehemently opposed.

OP, finding social supports are the only real option here. If he refuses, that’s on him, NOT you. His pride is his problem, not yours.

Thankfully, my dad will accept those services because there would be no other choices without them. We also have three kids, a non-huge house, and lack the funds to pay for everything. So, I hear you completely, but sacrificing yourself is a horrible thing, for you and for your kids. That’s my ultimate sticking point: I will not compromise my own health or my ability to care for my kids because of his failure to plan.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure he has no resources? My mother was sure she was destitute but in fact had about money in savings bonds and in an IRA. She, of course, had dementia. But if your dad worked, there may be a 401k or IRA somewhere. People squirrel money away and then forget it. Look for bank statements and there are some online searches for finding forgotten money.

I think you need to type what you have said to us, to your siblings, your aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Maybe you can get some breathing room. If everyone pitches in $1K to get out of the arrears.

In the meantime, food stamps seem to be an obvious next step after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he has no resources? My mother was sure she was destitute but in fact had about money in savings bonds and in an IRA. She, of course, had dementia. But if your dad worked, there may be a 401k or IRA somewhere. People squirrel money away and then forget it. Look for bank statements and there are some online searches for finding forgotten money.

I think you need to type what you have said to us, to your siblings, your aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Maybe you can get some breathing room. If everyone pitches in $1K to get out of the arrears.

In the meantime, food stamps seem to be an obvious next step after that.

I’ve already made that pitch. They do not care. I have one cousin who is willing to help but that’s it.

[Anonymous]

If your dad is living in a hoarded apartment with no electricity, there are two things you can be sure of:

1) spending money on it will only be a temporary fix
2) you could quit your job and spend all of your time trying to help him, and it wouldn’t be enough

So, you have to protect yourself. Find all the resources available that AREN’T YOU and be available to help him access them. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

The problem is his wilfull helplessness. He refuses a free debit card for food, he refuses medicaid, he is not employed, he lives in a pricey apartment, in squalor. OP, stop throwing money at a black hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, you’re the only daughter? The siblings who won’t help are brothers, right?

I was in a similar situation with my own Dad. The best thing you can do is try to find subsidized housing. The suggestion to contact your local agency on aging is a good one.

As much as you want to be a good daughter, you need to protect yourself and your children. Female caregivers often suffer ill health due to the demands on them.

It makes me angry when daughters are expected to handle things while sons are not. Why do we let this happen? We need to change these expectations for the next generation. I expect my sons to bear the same load as my daughters.

I'm a guy and I take care of my elderly mom with no help from my sister, so get stuffed with your ignorant prejudices.

Why are you insulting PP? You both agree? Read the whole post.

[Anonymous]

Why are you leaving your DH?

[Anonymous]

You can also research halfway houses for alcoholics, so when he becomes homeless, you can get him admitted to alcohol detox at a hospital followed by the halfway house. Then, if he works an AA program, maybe he can turn his life around.

You OP, go to AL Anon meetings. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you leaving your DH?

Abuse and cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, you’re the only daughter? The siblings who won’t help are brothers, right?

I was in a similar situation with my own Dad. The best thing you can do is try to find subsidized housing. The suggestion to contact your local agency on aging is a good one.

As much as you want to be a good daughter, you need to protect yourself and your children. Female caregivers often suffer ill health due to the demands on them.

It makes me angry when daughters are expected to handle things while sons are not. Why do we let this happen? We need to change these expectations for the next generation. I expect my sons to bear the same load as my daughters.

I'm a guy and I take care of my elderly mom with no help from my sister, so get stuffed with your ignorant prejudices.

Why are you insulting PP? You both agree? Read the whole post.

The attitude that "daughters have to do everything but sons are allowed to skate" is insulting, though very common on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, you’re the only daughter? The siblings who won’t help are brothers, right?

I was in a similar situation with my own Dad. The best thing you can do is try to find subsidized housing. The suggestion to contact your local agency on aging is a good one.

As much as you want to be a good daughter, you need to protect yourself and your children. Female caregivers often suffer ill health due to the demands on them.

It makes me angry when daughters are expected to handle things while sons are not. Why do we let this happen? We need to change these expectations for the next generation. I expect my sons to bear the same load as my daughters.

If her siblings are brothers maybe they realize that you cannot help those who refuse to help themselves.
I had one of those parents, it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

I am so, so sorry, OP. It sounds like you’re in a difficult position all around right now. I have faced variations on many of the things you mention, but never all at once! Whatever you decide, please be kind to yourself and be sure to leave at least a little space for your own needs.

In terms of DC low-income senior housing, one place to check out is Friendship Terrace in Tenleytown. I know someone who lives there on a sliding-scale rent tied to her social security. There is an extra charge for one meal a day, which is not optional, but at least there’s some tradeoff in being sure he’s fed.

For all the ways that DC government can be dysfunctional, my mother is both low-income and disabled, and we’ve had a great experience with DC Medicaid and its related services like home health aide coverage. She’s still mentally functional and set everything up herself, so I don’t know specifically who to call. But when in doubt, I think there’s a department called the Council on Aging or similar. Pretty sure they have a public info line.

On the hoarder front, that’s my husband’s parents. It really does provide an extra roadblock because it’s a big reason he won’t want to move. A move would be the perfect opportunity to wipe the slate clean, but getting there will take finesse. If you haven’t already, I recommend looking into some books on hoarders and hoarding. (There may be lots on the web too, I just haven’t looked.) Understanding the psychology behind the condition has helped me a lot in terms of managing frustration with attitudes that seem completely illogical to a non-hoarder. At the very least, I would pitch any move as a chance to “being all your very favorite things together” as opposed to a chance to clean out trash. Highlight the positive and not the negative.

Finally, have you ever read the book “Being Mortal”? It’s mostly focused on health care, but it’s more generally about the tension between what we want for our elderly loved ones and what they want for themselves. Sometimes what they want is far from what we consider ideal — even sometimes what we’d consider slightly unsafe — but there is value in letting them make their own choices about their own lives. Obviously your father’s financial situation plays in here because staying where he is probably won’t be a choice even if that’s what he wants most. But, like with the hoarding info, sometimes stopping to think through the dynamics can be helpful.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

So far, this is what I’ve learned:
-You don’t want to call adult protective services because it will hurt your father’s pride
-You are married to someone who cheats on you and abuses you
-You are the only sibling taking care of your father
-You estimate you’ve paid at least $100K towards helping your father
-You have 3 young children
-Your father is located in DC and has no electricity.

Honestly, it’s time to put you first. You have permission to stop being the victim, the caretaker and the savior. Be selfish. Embrace it. Tell everyone to f*k off. Let your siblings deal with your father. Be the mother your children need you to be and stop putting up with all this nonsense. Your father has made choices. Let him live with them. Kick your husband out. Put yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Op I’m so sorry. I would make sure he’s on Medicaid and then look into assisted living that take social security checks and are for the low income.