Destitute father

[Anonymous]

My father has no savings, no retirement funds, just a small social security check. During COVID, he didn't pay any rent at all so I applied for tens of thousands of relief funds to keep him afloat. Right now, he is about 7 months behind on his rent

I live in a very small house with my husband and young kids so I can't take him in. I believe my father also has some undiagnosed mental health issues, believes in conspiracy theories, hoarder, alcohol issues, etc...

What do I do? How can I help him?

I am struggling to take care of my own children, pay for childcare and school tuition. I was saving money to leave my husband but now I feel like I need to suck it up and take one for the team and give my father the money. My father is now saying he's just going to live in his car since he can't afford rent. So I feel like I have to do something.

The pressure is unbearable. I honestly don't know what to do to fix this long term.

Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

You need some information so you can make informed decisions. Just throwing money at him will not solve it. Can you get in touch with adult protective services or an organization for the homeless?

[Anonymous]

You need to put him in subsidized housing, on food stamps, and the state version of Medicare/Medicaid that is means tested (based on income)

[Anonymous]

My dad ended up living in his camper for a spell. It’s not actually the end of the world. I love my dad but you can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Hugs OP.

[Anonymous]

I’d call adult protective services. They know the options and how to find services.

[Anonymous]

Your first priority is to take care of your kids and yourself. Do NOT sacrifice your mental and physical health and your future to your father. He got himself into this situation but it's not your job to fix that for him. Help him as feasible, yes, but not solve his situation.

You can look into services and housing for him, provide info, but that's plenty. Unless he's mentally incompetent, there's not much more you can do.

Best wishes to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d call adult protective services. They know the options and how to find services.

That will open a whole can of worms and possibly make situation even more complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d call adult protective services. They know the options and how to find services.

That will open a whole can of worms and possibly make situation even more complicated.

OP here. This is what I am afraid of. He is clearly not all there, mentally. He has lived without electricity for years, unable to pay the bill. His apartment is a disaster zone with 35+ years of hoarding. When his mother, my grandmother was alive, she would keep it at bay but since she died, it has gotten so much worse. Maybe not as bad as the TV show but it's plenty bad. I'm pretty sure he's drinking, too.

Also there's a cultural dynamic where he believes that him ending up unable to support himself and potentially homeless reflects poorly on me. He is subtlety (sometimes not so subtle) saying I am a bad daughter. In our culture, elderly parents are taken care of by the children. None of my siblings will help. I have been doing it alone my whole adult life and I've poured probably 100,000 into helping him over the years. I am not wealthy and now that I have children I feel torn.

[Anonymous]

Look into any assistance programs he may qualify for. Call his local agency on aging. Check benefitscheckup.org too.

[Anonymous]

He needs to get out of that apartment so that the hoarded items will be sold or discarded. This alone should improve his mental health.

You have no other option than to call Social Services.

[Anonymous]

Has the landlord started the eviction process yet ?

Getting evicted from his toxic environment may be a blessing in disguise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d call adult protective services. They know the options and how to find services.

That will open a whole can of worms and possibly make situation even more complicated.

OP here. This is what I am afraid of. He is clearly not all there, mentally. He has lived without electricity for years, unable to pay the bill. His apartment is a disaster zone with 35+ years of hoarding. When his mother, my grandmother was alive, she would keep it at bay but since she died, it has gotten so much worse. Maybe not as bad as the TV show but it's plenty bad. I'm pretty sure he's drinking, too.

Also there's a cultural dynamic where he believes that him ending up unable to support himself and potentially homeless reflects poorly on me. He is subtlety (sometimes not so subtle) saying I am a bad daughter. In our culture, elderly parents are taken care of by the children. None of my siblings will help. I have been doing it alone my whole adult life and I've poured probably 100,000 into helping him over the years. I am not wealthy and now that I have children I feel torn.

OP, I'm so sorry. What a terrible strain for you. I know it's easier said than done, but you should not feel torn. Unlike some Americans, I am a proponent of helping parents as much as possible when we can, but this cannot be at the expense of your kids. We have a duty to parents but a higher duty to our children. Before you mentioned all of his problems, I wondered if he could combine his SS with your money and you all could live together, since you want to leave your husband, but it doesn't sound like living with him is feasible, even if you had room and money to do so. I agree with the others that you should limit your role to helping him find resources. It's terrible to say, but if he has a medical event that leads him to be admitted to the hospital, he may be better off because they will have to discharge him into a safe environment. I'm so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Apply for senior housing for him. Contact county office on aging. There's help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to get out of that apartment so that the hoarded items will be sold or discarded. This alone should improve his mental health.

You have no other option than to call Social Services.

Because of Covid everything halted. The courts are just now gearing up to get people up to date on rent so we don't know what's going to happen yet.

I am now certain that any environment he will be put in will become toxic unless he is supervised. We got him a really nice used car several months ago. Pristine condition. It now smells and looks like he lives in there already. Paper bags, extra straws, fistfuls of sugar packets and creamers, a hat collection, broken electronics he plans to fix, occasionally empties rolling around....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apply for senior housing for him. Contact county office on aging. There's help.

Yes book social services appointment and call elderly services. He needs a different living arrangement. If adult protective services or code saw his home, he would be removed.