Devastated that I will never have a daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself. There are things that are worthy of feelings if “devastation.”
You’re ridiculous, selfish, and dramatic.

You don't get over feelings. You process them. This is a grief that needs to be grieved.

Hugs to you, OP. Your feelings are very normal. I really wanted at least one daughter, and I got two of them. Both times we had the ultrasound I had convinced myself it was a boy just so I wouldn't be horribly disappointed if it was. I know you love your boys, and I'm sure I would have too. But that desire for the mother/daughter bond was definitely there.

Therapy is always a good place to process our feelings. And I agree about checking in with your GP or OB to be screened for PPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself. There are things that are worthy of feelings if “devastation.”
You’re ridiculous, selfish, and dramatic.

exactly. If this is your idea of devastated, there are about 6.9 billion people who want to be you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really close to my sons, but worry about how things will change when they marry. Every DIL seems to hate their MIL and wants the husband to have minimal contact with their family of origin.

I don't! we live 10 minutes from my in-laws and their house is a safe space for me, a place we go when we need to rescharge. We have a great relationship and in many ways I rely on my MIL more with my grandkids than my own mother who I am very close with in other ways. My husband and his brother are both very close with their parents, their sister actually has the more fraught relationship and sees them less. You never know and it's not all completely out of your control. Model a healthy and close relationship with your own in-laws if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself. There are things that are worthy of feelings if “devastation.”
You’re ridiculous, selfish, and dramatic.

You don't get over feelings. You process them. This is a grief that needs to be grieved.

Hugs to you, OP. Your feelings are very normal. I really wanted at least one daughter, and I got two of them. Both times we had the ultrasound I had convinced myself it was a boy just so I wouldn't be horribly disappointed if it was. I know you love your boys, and I'm sure I would have too. But that desire for the mother/daughter bond was definitely there.

Therapy is always a good place to process our feelings. And I agree about checking in with your GP or OB to be screened for PPD.

This is not normal and you should not be telling someone that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself. There are things that are worthy of feelings if “devastation.”
You’re ridiculous, selfish, and dramatic.

You don't get over feelings. You process them. This is a grief that needs to be grieved.

Hugs to you, OP. Your feelings are very normal. I really wanted at least one daughter, and I got two of them. Both times we had the ultrasound I had convinced myself it was a boy just so I wouldn't be horribly disappointed if it was. I know you love your boys, and I'm sure I would have too. But that desire for the mother/daughter bond was definitely there.

Therapy is always a good place to process our feelings. And I agree about checking in with your GP or OB to be screened for PPD.

Honey, the things she said and her actions are clearly not normal. And I suspect
you are not either.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I am a therapist and I would suggest, as other people have, to find a therapist to work with and to get screened for PPD- I would also have this thread locked (ask Jeff), because it looks like people are piling on and you're not going to get the full support (in fact, some of it is the opposite of what you need to work through this) it sounds like you need at this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to a counselor specializing in post partum depression. You need to do it for both you and your kids. Pick up the phone and make the calls today. Don't stop calling until you find an appointment.

+1

This isn’t just a gender preference, this is PPD. Talk to someone now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself. There are things that are worthy of feelings if “devastation.”
You’re ridiculous, selfish, and dramatic.

You don't get over feelings. You process them. This is a grief that needs to be grieved.

Hugs to you, OP. Your feelings are very normal. I really wanted at least one daughter, and I got two of them. Both times we had the ultrasound I had convinced myself it was a boy just so I wouldn't be horribly disappointed if it was. I know you love your boys, and I'm sure I would have too. But that desire for the mother/daughter bond was definitely there.

Therapy is always a good place to process our feelings. And I agree about checking in with your GP or OB to be screened for PPD.

This is not normal and you should not be telling someone that.

Not the pp, but it IS normal and very common to have some gender preference and to have some disappointment if you find out while pregnant that isn't reality. It is not as common to continue to feel that strongly after your baby is born. Pp might not be the best to speak to that because she got girls (her gender preference). As someone whose gender preference was girls, but got two boys, and who has many friends who had this same situation (somehow we have a huge crew of boys in our friendgroup it's odd) - I can say that for all of us the disappointment was mostly shortlived. I can't imagine my kids being any other way. Every once in awhile I think of it, sure. like when I do something mom and daughter with my own mom. Maybe I'll wonder if I"ll do things like that with my boys. But maybe I wont, but I'll have a different but I'm sure also special relationship.

All I'm saying is I can imagine if I were pp I would look at other boys and deep down feel grateful I got my girls. But I got boys and got to see how absolutely special and AWESOME they are (something I feel confident I would not be able to see from the outside looking in if I had two girls). So a pp who has two girls doesn't really have as much insight into what is a typical level of grief over this because when pregnant, it's more common to feel much more strongly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to a counselor specializing in post partum depression. You need to do it for both you and your kids. Pick up the phone and make the calls today. Don't stop calling until you find an appointment.

+1

This isn’t just a gender preference, this is PPD. Talk to someone now.

Agreed. OP, please listen to those of us who have been there on gender disappointment saying this. We've been there and can say you sound like you need some help beyond trying to just talk yourself out of it or process alone at this stage.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. I felt similarly when I found out my 2nd (and last) was a boy. However, I love having two boys now. My older one is a sensitive, sweet type and I feel like we have as close of a relationship as I could have with any daughter (of course I love my younger one just as much, but he's more of a stereotypical boy and isn't as interested in coffee dates with me). The sex of your kids doesn't have to determine your relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You'll only never have a daughter if you choose to remain daughter-less. There's always adoption! Don't only focus on babies, either. Look at older girls for adoption.

It seems like OP was saying it was a financial stretch to have a third. So that would mean she can't afford a fourth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself. There are things that are worthy of feelings if “devastation.”
You’re ridiculous, selfish, and dramatic.

You don't get over feelings. You process them. This is a grief that needs to be grieved.

Hugs to you, OP. Your feelings are very normal. I really wanted at least one daughter, and I got two of them. Both times we had the ultrasound I had convinced myself it was a boy just so I wouldn't be horribly disappointed if it was. I know you love your boys, and I'm sure I would have too. But that desire for the mother/daughter bond was definitely there.

Therapy is always a good place to process our feelings. And I agree about checking in with your GP or OB to be screened for PPD.

This is not normal and you should not be telling someone that.

Not the pp, but it IS normal and very common to have some gender preference and to have some disappointment if you find out while pregnant that isn't reality. It is not as common to continue to feel that strongly after your baby is born. Pp might not be the best to speak to that because she got girls (her gender preference). As someone whose gender preference was girls, but got two boys, and who has many friends who had this same situation (somehow we have a huge crew of boys in our friendgroup it's odd) - I can say that for all of us the disappointment was mostly shortlived. I can't imagine my kids being any other way. Every once in awhile I think of it, sure. like when I do something mom and daughter with my own mom. Maybe I'll wonder if I"ll do things like that with my boys. But maybe I wont, but I'll have a different but I'm sure also special relationship.

All I'm saying is I can imagine if I were pp I would look at other boys and deep down feel grateful I got my girls. But I got boys and got to see how absolutely special and AWESOME they are (something I feel confident I would not be able to see from the outside looking in if I had two girls). So a pp who has two girls doesn't really have as much insight into what is a typical level of grief over this because when pregnant, it's more common to feel much more strongly.

This is why OP's feelings are NOT normal. Some disappointment may be normal, but most people get over it pretty quickly because they love the child they actually have. Maybe some wistfulness now and then, but not ongoing devastation. Crying about it months later and feeling like a girl would at least be the consolation prize for "ruining your body" is not normal. It really sounds like PPD.