Devastated that I will never have a daughter

[Anonymous]

My dad is one of three boys. He is the middle child, and my grandmother is open about the fact that she wanted a daughter, so much so that when she gave birth to my dads younger brother and the nurse asked if she wanted to hold him, she refused.

Fast forward sixty something years later and that boy is the one who still lives in the same city as my grandparents and takes care of them in their old age. They have had a close relationship his entire adult life. Your feelings are valid OP, but as others suggested, I would seek a counselor to work through your feelings of grief over the daughter you hoped to have, and to make sure that never impacts your relationships with your sons.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel, I have boys too, but I can tell you that I know so many older ladies who have close and loving relationships with their sons. Also I am lucky enough to have a niece to share girly things with. Things might not have been picture perfect with a daughter so take heart.

[Anonymous]

I'm a dad of three girls. I can tell you that they're awesome, they and my wife are my entire life, I love and appreciate everything I've got, they're great kids. Most importantly they're healthy, and mostly happy. We are so lucky and I've been so lucky.

But I get what you're saying, and no, it does not really go away. It's just life.

[Anonymous]

MIL had three boys and it has torn her up for her whole life. She frequently talks about regretting that she didn’t adopt a girl after her last son. Her feelings have never resolved and she’s now 83. All that to say, do something about it now whether it’s therapy or adoption.

[Anonymous]

Sorry your baby makes you cry and your children aren’t what you want.

[Anonymous]

I think there might be some postpartum in here, amplifying your emotions beyond what is necessarily reasonable. That said, I am experiencing secondary infertility and I am very, very emotional about it even though I don't talk about it in public much because I know I'd get bombarded with "you're lucky to have one, do you know how many people never get that?!" reactions, so I empathize with you being upset about something family-related that is not necessarily politically correct to be upset about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 boys and am absolutely devastated that I will never have a daughter. The baby is 8 months and I still regularly cry about it. Every time I see little girls, girl clothes, mommy and daughter events, etc. I become extremely depressed. We can’t have more kids, even 3 is a stretch for us.

Anyone else feel this way? I feel like when I bring it up people act like I’m crazy. All I ever wanted was a daughter. My mom and I are so close and I feel like I will never have that relationship. It just feels so unfair that I tried 3 times, went through 3 terrible births, ruined my body and my mental health for my kids and I don’t even have 1 girl.

I was really hoping I would get over it after the baby was born but if anything it’s worse. I guess I’m wondering if anyone else went through this and how I can get over it and not become depressed every time I see a little girl.

You need to talk to your OB about PPD now. The bolded suggests to me that you have very negative feelings around pregnancy and childbirth, and they are being focused into this belief that it would be better if you had a girl.

As others have noted, many mothers and sons have lifelong close relationships (while many mothers and daughters aren't close at all). But your sons are going to pick up on the fact that they aren't good enough for you, that you really wanted something else, and that will affect how close you are to them. For your sake and theirs, please get help.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a form of post-partum depression. Please talk to your doctor about how you feel!

I'm so sorry, OP. I totally understand. Choosing the sex of your last baby should have been a possibility for you.
My friend had 3 boys, and she was terribly sad and disappointed that the third one was a boy. Now they're teens and tweens, and she's doing much better. All three boys are well-spoken and affectionate towards her.

[Anonymous]

I cannot get over what OP wrote. About having “terrible pregnancies” and “ruining her body” for her children as if they are not worth it. I think she would render them disposable is she could.
This is terrible and she absolutely should not be a mother.
She will have underlying resentment towards them as long as she lives.
That is the devastation of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over yourself. There are things that are worthy of feelings if “devastation.”
You’re ridiculous, selfish, and dramatic.

exactly. If this is your idea of devastated, there are about 6.9 billion people who want to be you.

[Anonymous]

Never, ever would I say or think such a thing. One who loves their child would not care the gender.
This is concerning and I don’t think any therapy will change that want in this unfortunate “mother.”

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way, OP. I think it's a totally normal feeling to have. However, it is obviously not good for your mental health to feel that way so intensely and I do think you should seek counseling to help deal with your feelings. I also think as your kids get older especially but perhaps even now (don't know how old your older 2 kids are) but if over age 4-5 I believe they can sense how you feel toward them and if they sense that you in any way regret having them or wish they were girls instead, they will be hurt by that. I know some kids would be completely oblivious but my own kids (a boy and a girl) are both so sensitive and intuitive that I feel sure they would be able to tell if I felt disappointed in them in any way. Please get some help before your kids realize the negative thoughts you are having and it damages them.

[Anonymous]

I would not piss on OP if she were in fire. Terrible individual.

[Anonymous]

I also really agree that therapy is the right thing here. This really may be tied into some ppd/ppa as some feelings of disappointment and wondering "what if" are very normal (I have two boys too and don't plan on more!), but the intensity of these feelings and the fact that it is impacting your life mean that it is at a clinical level that could benefit from additional support. I dont' think there is much we can say here that will make you feel better, there is something deeper going on here that needs additional support and exploration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're feeling that way, OP. I think it's a totally normal feeling to have. However, it is obviously not good for your mental health to feel that way so intensely and I do think you should seek counseling to help deal with your feelings. I also think as your kids get older especially but perhaps even now (don't know how old your older 2 kids are) but if over age 4-5 I believe they can sense how you feel toward them and if they sense that you in any way regret having them or wish they were girls instead, they will be hurt by that. I know some kids would be completely oblivious but my own kids (a boy and a girl) are both so sensitive and intuitive that I feel sure they would be able to tell if I felt disappointed in them in any way. Please get some help before your kids realize the negative thoughts you are having and it damages them.

Totally normal feeling to have? Are you just as crazy and selfish?