Devastated that I will never have a daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also really agree that therapy is the right thing here. This really may be tied into some ppd/ppa as some feelings of disappointment and wondering "what if" are very normal (I have two boys too and don't plan on more!), but the intensity of these feelings and the fact that it is impacting your life mean that it is at a clinical level that could benefit from additional support. I dont' think there is much we can say here that will make you feel better, there is something deeper going on here that needs additional support and exploration.

Therapy is going to someone cure her not wanting a girl. I don’t think so. The things she says are just shy of evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL had three boys and it has torn her up for her whole life. She frequently talks about regretting that she didn’t adopt a girl after her last son. Her feelings have never resolved and she’s now 83. All that to say, do something about it now whether it’s therapy or adoption.

Barf. Do not adopt a child because of their assumed gender and thinking it will fill some hole in your life.

[Anonymous]

I have a boy and a girl and am close to both but in different ways, and bonding over different things.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. I'm the only daughter in law and adored my MIL, so I take comfort in maybe thinking someday I'll have that relationship if my sons marry women. But I also saw the difference between how her daughters and son got involved and engaged emotionally when she was sick and dying. This isn't just about sparkly dresses for toddlers. Women and men are socialized differently and we can do our best to overcome that, but it's real.

That said, I want to validate your feelings, but also say all we can do is love the ones we're with. I think if you're dwelling on it to this level, reaching out for help might be a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL had three boys and it has torn her up for her whole life. She frequently talks about regretting that she didn’t adopt a girl after her last son. Her feelings have never resolved and she’s now 83. All that to say, do something about it now whether it’s therapy or adoption.

Barf. Do not adopt a child because of their assumed gender and thinking it will fill some hole in your life.

+1
The last thing anyone needs is for this woman to be responsible for another child.

[Anonymous]

My MIL had three sons and was over the moon when DD was born. She started buying dolls right away. Well, DD had no interest in dolls or girly things. MIL has adjusted and loves the GD she has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're feeling that way, OP. I think it's a totally normal feeling to have. However, it is obviously not good for your mental health to feel that way so intensely and I do think you should seek counseling to help deal with your feelings. I also think as your kids get older especially but perhaps even now (don't know how old your older 2 kids are) but if over age 4-5 I believe they can sense how you feel toward them and if they sense that you in any way regret having them or wish they were girls instead, they will be hurt by that. I know some kids would be completely oblivious but my own kids (a boy and a girl) are both so sensitive and intuitive that I feel sure they would be able to tell if I felt disappointed in them in any way. Please get some help before your kids realize the negative thoughts you are having and it damages them.

No, it isn't. It's normal to feel a little disappointed, or wistful, or wonder what-if. It's not normal to get depressed every time you see a little girl, cry regularly about it for months, say that pregnancy and childbirth weren't worth it because you didn't even get one girl, or be devastated that your three healthy children are the wrong sex. OP was never entitled to a girl, and the fact that these feelings are not abating even after 8 months suggests a pathology that OP needs to seek help for. This is not normal, and it's not healthy.

[Anonymous]

I’m really close to my sons, but worry about how things will change when they marry. Every DIL seems to hate their MIL and wants the husband to have minimal contact with their family of origin.

[Anonymous]

Things that are devastating

Sick child
Living in war torn area
Losing a loved one
Hunger


Not devastating

Having 3 healthy children

[Anonymous]

And I wanted three children and have one. You get what you get and you just don’t always have control over the details. Every pregnancy is a spin of the wheel. It sounds like you did pretty darn well.

I am sorry that you are in pain and I hope that you find some support.

[Anonymous]

It's not too late. One of your sons could identify female later on and transition into a daughter.

[Anonymous]

A loved one needs to remove the 3 children into a home with someone who will love and appreciate them.

[Anonymous]

Also, hopefully in therapy they can help reframe some of the perceptions and assumptions you have about being a mom to boys and the relationship you can/will have. My husband is extremely close to his mom and their relationship is easy - unlike most of my girflfriends relationships with their mothers which is close, but complicated and sometimes fraught This is small potatoes and again I truly don't think is going to help the level of feelings you are having right now, but Cup of Jo the blog, she has two boys and her writing helped me both times I found out I was having a boy to really see the possibilities in a different way (I came from a family of all girls and sisters).

Here are some of the posts if it helps you or anyone else:

The joy of having boys: https://cupofjo.com/2017/05/01/having-a-boy/

Having two boys: https://cupofjo.com/2017/05/01/having-a-boy/

What has surprised me about having preteens: https://cupofjo.com/2022/09/26/older-kids-parenting/

[Anonymous]

OP, gender is less important than compatible personalities. I am a woman, and was always extremely close to my father. We had similar interests and very similar personalities. I love both of my children, but my son and I are more alike, and my husband and daughter are practically clones.

[Anonymous]

Red flags that warrant the children need to be removed.