Parent of trans: Grieving, broken-hearted - missing my DD while loving my son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. Big hugs to you.

This may not comfort you at all, but all children change during adolescence and sometimes they become unrecognizable, even though they stay the same gender. So you might have lived through the transition to new attitudes, interests and friends anyway.

Allow yourself to grieve. What you're feeling is perfectly valid and understandable. Perhaps you could share with your spouse, or best friend? Surely they would sympathize.

+1 i feel that way even when there’s no gender change, regarding my early grade Schooler and now senior in high school. Hope that makes you feel better!

[Anonymous]

I would feel the exact same way. Your feelings are absolutely valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. Big hugs to you.

This may not comfort you at all, but all children change during adolescence and sometimes they become unrecognizable, even though they stay the same gender. So you might have lived through the transition to new attitudes, interests and friends anyway.

Allow yourself to grieve. What you're feeling is perfectly valid and understandable. Perhaps you could share with your spouse, or best friend? Surely they would sympathize.

+1 i feel that way even when there’s no gender change, regarding my early grade Schooler and now senior in high school. Hope that makes you feel better!

I don't know if you all realize that these are not the same things at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him. Tell him you'd like to still do one or two of the things you two used to do together. It's okay to say "I support who you are now and at the same time miss the daughter I used to have, even though I understand you weren't happy being a daughter." It's okay to mourn.

This will probably not land well. OP always had a son.

I came here to say something similar.

However, it is ok for OP to mourn the idea of having a daughter. When I was pregnant with my child, I had all these dreams of dresses and make up. I know not all girls grow up to be that - but it's hard when your child recognizes their true self and coming to grips with that change.

PFLAG is a great resource to find other parents on this journey. Good luck to you OP

It’s absolutely okay to mourn for the things that you dreamed of and the things that you wanted for your child. You had these cute mother daughter plans formed in your mind when you were still pregnant. Mourning those things is normal and healthy.

It’s not healthy to mourn the individual as though they are dead because they are not. So many parents say they are mourning their dead daughter or son or even it’s “like” they are dead. That person is alive. We have a lot of hopes and dreams for our kids but we also have to accept that it’s their lives, their bodies, their choices in life. When our kids turn our gay or trans and their life path isn’t the one we had meticulously planned out for them in our heads, we should accept that and love them because as parents it is our job to love them and help them be successful in life. We are there for them when they fall down and cheer them on when they win. Our job is not to exert our will on them and attempt to force them to stay on the map we drew for them as toddlers. Our job isn’t to push them down and keep them from standing up, forcing them to live their lives for us. If their life takes them off the beaten path then we should be there with them. Loving them and cheering them on. Maybe if the jungle path gets a little too overgrown, we can help them wack some vines with the machete but we shouldn’t try to force them back into the normal road. That’s not who they are.

[Anonymous]

I have a trans child as well (all grown up now). Hugs to you OP. It's a process, for sure, and letting the transition settle in can take time. You'll get there. Right now your child's gender identity is a huge thing in your life -- and likely in the lives of those around you, such as extended family and friends -- but in time, for everyone, it'll become just one more interesting characteristic of your kid, same as hair texture, artistic talents, career interests or musical tastes. Gender identity is just one facet of what makes each of us the unique human being we each are. Right now this particular facet is in high definition, standing out in bright neon colors, and is commanding a lot of attention because it is so new. But in time, your kid's being trans will fade into the mosaic of your kid's numerous other interesting characteristics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a trans child as well (all grown up now). Hugs to you OP. It's a process, for sure, and letting the transition settle in can take time. You'll get there. Right now your child's gender identity is a huge thing in your life -- and likely in the lives of those around you, such as extended family and friends -- but in time, for everyone, it'll become just one more interesting characteristic of your kid, same as hair texture, artistic talents, career interests or musical tastes. Gender identity is just one facet of what makes each of us the unique human being we each are. Right now this particular facet is in high definition, standing out in bright neon colors, and is commanding a lot of attention because it is so new. But in time, your kid's being trans will fade into the mosaic of your kid's numerous other interesting characteristics.

This is so true. Parent of adult trans DS, and it’s similar to other firsts, in retrospect. This one is just public and people attach moral judgment to it unnecessarily. I also agree with people saying to mourn the loss of that child and embrace the new, but it’s still the same person. At first I would think of my trans son, and now it’s just my son. You get used to it.