Parent of trans: Grieving, broken-hearted - missing my DD while loving my son

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. This may not be the best place to post, as a pp noted.

Individual therapy for yourself, PFLAG, a support group for parents in your situation - all of these might help and you should be able to get referrals through whoever is providing healthcare for your son. Does your partner also need support? You’re not alone and I hope you will find the care you need for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I love my son and I also love the daughter who once was. I feel like my daughter died when my son came out as trans. I feel like his childhood and our family memories have all been erased. I have no one to talk to. Friends and family don’t understand. I fear offending the LGBTQ community by sharing my feelings. I’m just lost and depressed. I don’t understand what he is going through or our new family dynamics. What happened to my daughter? I feel like I just adopted a teenage boy who I don’t know. A stranger. His hobbies, friend group, language, style, interests, and interactions with us have all changed. I miss his old friends. I miss the friends I made with the parents of his old friends. I miss the activities he used to love and enjoy. I miss the dreams and ambitions he once shared.

I love and support him while also grieving the loss of the person I once knew in a very different way. It literally feels like my daughter died and my heart is broken. I miss her so much.

I don't know what to say except I am also sorry. I would feel exactly the same way.

[Anonymous]

This board has a lot of allocishet transphobic people on it so keep that in mind when posting anything about transgender people.

You should see a therapist to help you with this. I know it feels like you're losing a daughter but you're not, it's who your son has always been on the inside. They are the same person but just feel free to be themselves now. Being closeted trans and trying to conform to your AGAB isn't any kind of way to live.

[Anonymous]

I felt exactly the same way, OP - Like my son died. And I felt guilty because my child wasn’t dead. So it felt wrong to grieve. Therapy helped. Time helped more. I’m so sorry. It hurts in a way few understand.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. I would feel the same way. My daughter came out as “non-binary” a few months ago. Not surprised, she had already come out as lesbian 3 years ago. I am also a lesbian. I asked her what “non-binary” meant to her, and she said she didn’t really feel like a girl or a boy. I could understand why she felt that, since she has always liked both “boy things” and “girl things”. She’s also really smart, and never really got into the girl cliques, though she does have close friends of both sexes. I can see in today’s climate why she may have been led to believe that all this somehow meant that she is something other than female. I affirmed her feelings, but she knows I don’t believe any of this makes her not-female.

Fortunately this all took place at the end of the school year. After spending the summer with family and friends and away from screens, she has pretty much desisted.

We do have to be careful what we say in this forum since the bar is set super low when it comes to what gets labeled as “hate” or “transphobia”. So I will just say this: it is very normal for teens to try out new things, to completely change their friend groups, appearance, activities, music they like, etc etc etc. That stuff happens anyway. On the other hand, if you feel that your child is abstaining from activities they used to love just because they don’t fit in with their “boy” persona, then that is cause for concern. If their entire life revolves around this new “identity”, I don’t think this is a healthy thing.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are legit and OK.

A body is just a container. Your child's soul is the important part and it is still there. All the rest is just details.

Not trying to minimize as I have a child with similar issues, so I understand the disconnect between what we had, and what we now have. But all you can do is just love them. Who they were, who they are, who they become.

You sound like a nice mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him. Tell him you'd like to still do one or two of the things you two used to do together. It's okay to say "I support who you are now and at the same time miss the daughter I used to have, even though I understand you weren't happy being a daughter." It's okay to mourn.

This is a terrible suggestion. OP needs to find an outlet for her grief that does not involve putting the burden of it on her son. A therapist could be very helpful right now.

I also think going to a therapist would give OP a neutral person to discuss her feelings (it is okay for OP to feel confusion, disappointment, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are legit and OK.

A body is just a container. Your child's soul is the important part and it is still there. All the rest is just details.

Not trying to minimize as I have a child with similar issues, so I understand the disconnect between what we had, and what we now have. But all you can do is just love them. Who they were, who they are, who they become.

You sound like a nice mom

Not op but this was very kind. You sound like a nice mom too!

[Anonymous]

I have a trans child. I agree this is probably not the best place. I’m on a few online support groups and some are more open than others in terms of allowing you to voice your sadness and sense of loss. I found them through Facebook. There should also be local groups, and I think family therapy has been really helpful for us. I think these feelings can be very normal.

I don’t feel that same sense of loss, but it has been confusing at times. Lots of tears although I think we communicate a lot better now. My kid hid a lot of feelings from us for a long time, and that was so hard to hear. It’s totally ok to have the feelings you’re having, but do try to remember that your child didn’t die. They are still the same person, and changes of all kinds are normal in teenagers. It doesn’t mean we have to like them as parents! I’m not even talking about gender. Teens do change, pull away, etc..sometimes I feel like I love my kid so much it hurts and then sometimes I feel like they are totally ungrateful for how supportive we’ve been. But I think I might be feeling the same way with a cis kid too.

[Anonymous]

Therapist is a good idea. In addition to the wise advice in this thread, consider that you may be mourning the loss of your child’s fertility which can be profound. It’s not something that’s talked about much (or frankly enough IMO) as part of transition, but the loss of a child’s fertility really can have a deep impact. As parent you should never be involved in a child’s fertility decisions—that’s their body, their choice—and that is right, but it does not mean that you aren’t impacted emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapist is a good idea. In addition to the wise advice in this thread, consider that you may be mourning the loss of your child’s fertility which can be profound. It’s not something that’s talked about much (or frankly enough IMO) as part of transition, but the loss of a child’s fertility really can have a deep impact. As parent you should never be involved in a child’s fertility decisions—that’s their body, their choice—and that is right, but it does not mean that you aren’t impacted emotionally.

Trans people freeze eggs and sperm all the time before beginning medical transition. I know freezing eggs is more expensive but if the OP is concerned about fertility, this is something that can be done. I saw one parent on here insisted that her trans daughter freeze sperm before they signed off on HRT. If the answer is outright "no", once they're 18 you have lost any options you may have once had to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I love my son and I also love the daughter who once was. I feel like my daughter died when my son came out as trans. I feel like his childhood and our family memories have all been erased. I have no one to talk to. Friends and family don’t understand. I fear offending the LGBTQ community by sharing my feelings. I’m just lost and depressed. I don’t understand what he is going through or our new family dynamics. What happened to my daughter? I feel like I just adopted a teenage boy who I don’t know. A stranger. His hobbies, friend group, language, style, interests, and interactions with us have all changed. I miss his old friends. I miss the friends I made with the parents of his old friends. I miss the activities he used to love and enjoy. I miss the dreams and ambitions he once shared.

I love and support him while also grieving the loss of the person I once knew in a very different way. It literally feels like my daughter died and my heart is broken. I miss her so much.

And don’t be afraid. If your son decides to de-trans at some point, he needs to know that you will be there to support him as the whole community he is not involved with will completely reject and beat on him emotionally. He will need a strong support and advocate. You need to be that person, no matter what you are called now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him. Tell him you'd like to still do one or two of the things you two used to do together. It's okay to say "I support who you are now and at the same time miss the daughter I used to have, even though I understand you weren't happy being a daughter." It's okay to mourn.

It’s sounds pretty, but as someone who is also going through this, it will not go over well, because there is no real logic involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I would feel the same way. My daughter came out as “non-binary” a few months ago. Not surprised, she had already come out as lesbian 3 years ago. I am also a lesbian. I asked her what “non-binary” meant to her, and she said she didn’t really feel like a girl or a boy. I could understand why she felt that, since she has always liked both “boy things” and “girl things”. She’s also really smart, and never really got into the girl cliques, though she does have close friends of both sexes. I can see in today’s climate why she may have been led to believe that all this somehow meant that she is something other than female. I affirmed her feelings, but she knows I don’t believe any of this makes her not-female.

Fortunately this all took place at the end of the school year. After spending the summer with family and friends and away from screens, she has pretty much desisted.

We do have to be careful what we say in this forum since the bar is set super low when it comes to what gets labeled as “hate” or “transphobia”. So I will just say this: it is very normal for teens to try out new things, to completely change their friend groups, appearance, activities, music they like, etc etc etc. That stuff happens anyway. On the other hand, if you feel that your child is abstaining from activities they used to love just because they don’t fit in with their “boy” persona, then that is cause for concern. If their entire life revolves around this new “identity”, I don’t think this is a healthy thing.

Great post! I feel that gay individuals are in the best position to truly understand the nuances here.

[Anonymous]

to the OP- hugs. I have watched a neighbor go threw this and have tried to support them the whole time. There child is so much happier no that they can identify as another sex. I think its OK to mourn the loss of your daughter privately (or with a small group of people or pflag or therapist) while also celebrating your brave son as you work through this.