Parent of trans: Grieving, broken-hearted - missing my DD while loving my son

[Anonymous]

I love my son and I also love the daughter who once was. I feel like my daughter died when my son came out as trans. I feel like his childhood and our family memories have all been erased. I have no one to talk to. Friends and family don’t understand. I fear offending the LGBTQ community by sharing my feelings. I’m just lost and depressed. I don’t understand what he is going through or our new family dynamics. What happened to my daughter? I feel like I just adopted a teenage boy who I don’t know. A stranger. His hobbies, friend group, language, style, interests, and interactions with us have all changed. I miss his old friends. I miss the friends I made with the parents of his old friends. I miss the activities he used to love and enjoy. I miss the dreams and ambitions he once shared.

I love and support him while also grieving the loss of the person I once knew in a very different way. It literally feels like my daughter died and my heart is broken. I miss her so much.

[Anonymous]

Talk to him. Tell him you'd like to still do one or two of the things you two used to do together. It's okay to say "I support who you are now and at the same time miss the daughter I used to have, even though I understand you weren't happy being a daughter." It's okay to mourn.

[Anonymous]

Have you checked out PFLAG? I’ve heard really good things about the organization, and they might be able to set you up with other parents who can empathize.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. Big hugs to you.

This may not comfort you at all, but all children change during adolescence and sometimes they become unrecognizable, even though they stay the same gender. So you might have lived through the transition to new attitudes, interests and friends anyway.

Allow yourself to grieve. What you're feeling is perfectly valid and understandable. Perhaps you could share with your spouse, or best friend? Surely they would sympathize.

[Anonymous]

you're not alone, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him. Tell him you'd like to still do one or two of the things you two used to do together. It's okay to say "I support who you are now and at the same time miss the daughter I used to have, even though I understand you weren't happy being a daughter." It's okay to mourn.

This will probably not land well. OP always had a son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him. Tell him you'd like to still do one or two of the things you two used to do together. It's okay to say "I support who you are now and at the same time miss the daughter I used to have, even though I understand you weren't happy being a daughter." It's okay to mourn.

This will probably not land well. OP always had a son.

How can you possibly say this? Have you examined the child? What a smug and patronizing statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him. Tell him you'd like to still do one or two of the things you two used to do together. It's okay to say "I support who you are now and at the same time miss the daughter I used to have, even though I understand you weren't happy being a daughter." It's okay to mourn.

This is a terrible suggestion. OP needs to find an outlet for her grief that does not involve putting the burden of it on her son. A therapist could be very helpful right now.

[Anonymous]

But your child never got to choose to be born or their sex. There isn't anything wrong with choosing your own identity in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him. Tell him you'd like to still do one or two of the things you two used to do together. It's okay to say "I support who you are now and at the same time miss the daughter I used to have, even though I understand you weren't happy being a daughter." It's okay to mourn.

This will probably not land well. OP always had a son.

How can you possibly say this? Have you examined the child? What a smug and patronizing statement.

I’m just saying most trans people feel they were always the gender they are after transition and it would feel very invalidating to be told they used to be a daughter since they were never a girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him. Tell him you'd like to still do one or two of the things you two used to do together. It's okay to say "I support who you are now and at the same time miss the daughter I used to have, even though I understand you weren't happy being a daughter." It's okay to mourn.

This is a terrible suggestion. OP needs to find an outlet for her grief that does not involve putting the burden of it on her son. A therapist could be very helpful right now.

Totally agree.

OP, I get it and I empathize with you. It's so so hard.

[Anonymous]

How old is your son because it matters if you are talking about a 15 year old or a 25 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you checked out PFLAG? I’ve heard really good things about the organization, and they might be able to set you up with other parents who can empathize.

Agree PFLAG is probably a good place to start. And personal therapy. Of course it’s hard, OP.

If it helps, I found my memories of my niece disorienting when she first transitioned (I so clearly had played with a little boy!) but over time as I feel like I know her as adult more and more it somehow filters back to make it easy to think and talk of taking *her* to the beach, watching construction vehicles, etc.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. Posting here is risky, as you will get responses from people who do not understand and will say insensitive or unhelpful things. Trans people refer to their prior name as their “dead name”. R tree hey see their prior identity as false and not their actual self. Try to find a support group to allow you a safe place to find support outside of an anonymous forum. Your son needs you to be strong and unconditionally accepting of their true identity. You can find the support you need so you can be the support he needs.