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Parent of trans: Grieving, broken-hearted - missing my DD while loving my son
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Anonymous
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Do not talk to him about it. this is *your* issue, not his; he doesn't need to hear how sad you are about his identity. That's just emotional dumping, and nobody needs that less except maybe if your child is a cancer patient.
I know people like to bash therapy, but I think that it would be great for you! This is a case where just talk therapy would be perfect. You just need somebody to hear and validate you. A therapist will keep everything confidential, so you don't risk hurting anybody, and you also don't have to do any emotional labor like you would with a friendship since friendship requires reciprocity. I would make sure you're seeing a therapist who is more processing-based, rather than skill-based. Like, this isn't the time for cognative behavioral therapy. |
Anonymous
You can always talk to a counselor/therapist. Those are the folks trained (ideally!) to help people work through these kinds of situations. |
Anonymous
I agree with the pps that it’s not appropriate to tell ds that you miss the daughter you used to have, but the first part of this is okay. It’s fine to tell ds that the two of you haven’t [fill in the blank] in a long time and you wondered if he’d like to do it again sometime. I’m not transgender, but I would imagine that early on in the transition process and for a while afterward, a trans boy would want to solidify his identity in other people’s minds and would shy away from “girly” things for a while, but would eventually be okay with knitting (or whatever) once he feels like his identity has become well established. It’s natural to grieve the loss of a relationship you treasured, even if you’re very happy with a new relationship. You son feels like he’s finally his authentic self and doesn’t have to pretend to be something he’s not anymore, but this was something you didn’t always know about your son. The relationship you had with your daughter was totally real and authentic for you, as you experienced it. Now you’re finding out that your daughter didn’t experience the other side of it the same way. That’s painful. You want your son to be happy now and going forward, but you always wanted your daughter to be happy too. |
Anonymous
Disagree slightly with this - of course totally ok to mourn, but don't tell the kid "i miss the daughter i used to have" -- save that for a spouse, a best friend, a therapist. Just focus on connecting, asking what you can do together. "Do you still want to do X together? Or maybe we could try Y?" |
Anonymous
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This is hard. I ran into one of my former student's parents once and asked about their child. I didn't know the child had transitioned so they quickly told me when they saw me.
I could see in the mother's face a bit of apprehension (as you never know how someone will react) , but I had a clear understanding that the reunion I thought I might have with my former student could never happen in the way I thought it would. Therapy (grief therapy/ process therapy) is definitely necessary. Do not let anyone minimize your truth or maje you feel guilty about it. One poster mentioned that teenagers have changes that make them unrecognizable... while it is a well intended comparison, it is still misses the unique aspect of cutting off past experiences, possibly destroying or taking down family photos, one at times placing a wall up on any past connections or memories associated with the child's former presentation. This is not the same. |
Anonymous
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Mom, my heart goes out to you. Try to enjoy the time you have with you new child and seek out gender neutral activities to make new memories. Remind them of your current love for them even if it's hard.
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Anonymous
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Your post is so incredibly vulnerable and authentic. Thanks for sharing.
It’s valid to mourn the death of the child you thought you would have. I think therapy will help. Don’t be so hard on yourself. |
Anonymous
| DS is trans. We had conversations after he transitioned about things we used to do and what we could continue and what he wanted to stop. Mostly I’d just say something like, “we used to watch this movie when you were younger. Want to watch this weekend?” Or “We haven’t been to x museum and we used to love going to see y exhibit. Would you like to hang out and do that? You get to choose where we eat for dinner.” I’d never say something like, “remember when we’d go to the American girl doll store? Let’s go have some tea and browse. I miss playing dolls with you.” Make it about good vibes and enjoying being with them as a person rather than a specific gender. |
Anonymous
I see you posting complaining about deadname a lot. What's wrong with calling it a deadname? Most trans people eventually change their legal name anyway.... |
Anonymous
| Op, I am sending hugs to you this must be very hard for you. |
Anonymous
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I think this is a normal feeling and I would just recommend peer support. Other families with trans family members. You need a community.
FWIW, I have only a cursory relationship with someone, an acquaintance at best, who after about 8 years of sharing her marriage, the birth of her children, her relationship with her wife, moves, new house, kid milestones, came out as trans, and a few months later , they divorced, and now share custody. Not even sure it's all amicable, actually. Wife was blindsided a bit. He now shares his transition, physical and emotional, his dating, his top surgery scars, his beard, his voice change. Everyone has shown support at least online, but in private, it was painful for many as that's been voiced in person separately. I haven't contributed to the discourse at all. I feel I am not in a position to voice an opinion, if any, and why would I? Admittedly, it was hard to watch this dissolution of everything understood for me, too- and she isn't even a close friend or family member. So, yes, if it is your own kid, of course you are dealing with what feels like a death. You will eventually be ok, but a grieving period, believe it or not, may be healthy. And it doesn't impinge on your support for your child. |
Anonymous
I hate the term "deadname." Deadname implies that a person died, not that they were misgendered. What about "former name" or "birth name" or "wrong name"? |
Anonymous
Dead name is trans slang. If you don’t like that then don’t use it. There’s tons of trans slang, it’s just one of the more common ones. If you’re saying that you are uncomfortable with trans subculture and trans slang that has developed and evolved within it as a cisgender outsider looking in them I think that’s just something you’ll have to accept that trans people are going to continue calling their former name (wether legally or informally changed). |
Anonymous
We have friends whose son is trans. They took down all the photos they had of him as a girl and keep a single baby photo in their entire downstairs area, presumably to not offend him or misgender him. They're very supportive but honestly I can imagine they must be going through... something. That can't be easy. Heck, it's not easy for me, as a PP posted about their niece and remembering playing with a little boy. These are valid feelings. It's like years of your life have been erased or modified in hindsight. I don't think it's at all comparable to "oh, kids change as teens." |
Anonymous
As the mom of a trans/trans questioning kid, this is horrible advise. Your child needs you to do more than "ride it out". PFLAG was a huge help to me. We found a private therapist to work with my child. She started taking hormone medication and the changes happened much faster than I anticipated. It was really hard to see my child start to grow breasts so quickly, for example. Emotions were all over the place because of the medication and because of the hard work my kid was doing. They are currently questioning again. They stopped medication and the changes seemed to reverse fairly rapidly. They seem to change preferred pronouns so I stick with they/them for now. Right now they present mostly male. Definitely gay. No doubt at all about that. They came out at as gay at 14. 21 now and still very much gay. I'm not sure what the future will look like for them. We are just trying to be supportive of their physical and mental health. That means continued therapy and absolute, unconditional love and acceptance. Just something to remember - Trans kids are extremely vulnerable to suicide. Don't be afraid to talk about it if you think it's an issue. Just one supportive person in an LGBTQ+ kids' life can cut the risk of suicide attempts by 50%. That's huge. According to a 2016 study published in LGBT Health, family rejection increases the odds of substance misuse and suicide attempts in transgender and gender non-conforming people. These results mirror research by Dr. Caitlin Ryan and the Family Acceptance Project, which found that LGBTQ youth whose families affirm their gender identity and sexual orientation are almost 50 percent less likely to make a suicide attempt compared to those whose families are unsupportive. |