Can you talk to your mom about things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No OP I cut mine off. My is a toxic human and not trustworthy.

My mother taught me to cut off people and not to tell them why. Well that came back to bite her in a big way. Two out of four do not speak to her.

My life is so much better now.

OP sending hugs.

Same. Mine is extremely toxic and evil. She told me at my twins funeral she wished it was me.

[Anonymous]

My mother is dead almost 10 years now but we were estranged for a dozen years before that. I talked to her about everything and she is 100% responsible for the worst choices of my life - she coerced, bullied, threatened me into them and I’ll be living with the consequences until I die. She was a covert narcissist and very emotionally abusive. Other people, including women my age who worked with my mother, have stories about how accepting, encouraging and kind she was to them when they were sharing issues in their lives. With me it was nonstop criticism and disappointment - nothing was ever good enough even when it was exactly what she told me to do. For years I denied myself the choices I wanted and instead made the ones she insisted on - by threatening to remove her ‘love’ and support if I didn’t - and in the end she still had nothing good to say about me. Except that years later I learned she boasted about my accomplishments to everyone else, as though they were all because of her. To my face it was just negativity and belittling, never ending - a classic narcissistic parent tactic.

My mother wound festers and while I do the work in therapy, it will never fully heal. You can never have another mother so it’s not really a fixable thing. I try to build relationships with people I can trust to encourage me while also giving good feedback and advice. But no, I can’t talk to my mother about anything - I never could, but it took me 30 years to figure that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

Ufff...so true!

[Anonymous]

I can talk to my mom about certain things, like how to cook a certain dish, or I can tell her funny stories, or I can talk to her about her health concerns.

I can’t talk to her about anything personal though, or about problems, or anything health related for me. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Not anymore. She’s getting old (85) and a little senile and just…says the absolute wrong thing all the time, that makes me feel worse. It’s sucks because we used to be really close.

[Anonymous]

I can talk about high grocery prices, bad service in restaurants, rude doctors, that type of thing. She made to clear when I went to college that she was emotionally happier not knowing about my life. I think that generation of women are a little emotionally immature from having to bottle up thier feelings for decades.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm in the minority. Yes, I can talk to my mother about anything, but because I can doesn't mean I do lol. My teen years were horrible (that's on me) but once I "grew up" we've become super close. We text/talk almost daily.

So far it's looking like the same for me and my daughter (she's 10). Hopefully that continues!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No OP I cut mine off. My is a toxic human and not trustworthy.

My mother taught me to cut off people and not to tell them why. Well that came back to bite her in a big way. Two out of four do not speak to her.

My life is so much better now.

OP sending hugs.

Same. Mine is extremely toxic and evil. She told me at my twins funeral she wished it was me.

That must have felt horrible. What an absolutely awful thing to say to your child. I am very sorry. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us.

PP. Let's take an example of weight loss. There is a huge space between saying "you'll never do it, fatty" and becoming your personal trainer, nutritionist and chef all in one. Yes, the latter can be immensely beneficial, but what if it's way above what your mom is capable of? I mean, some of the issues the people want their moms to solve are definitely above the paygrade of an average person - listen, but don't give advice, give advice, but at the exact right time, give the advice in the way that is preferred by the recipient (and figure that way out in advance). People go and get Masters and doctorates for that. Why can't ADULTS give grace to their moms too? Whatever excuses you give to yourself for not whipping yourself into an absolutely perfect human - circumstances, upbringing, health issues, genetics - your mom is entitled to them too.

I can give my mom grace and recognize she’s doing the best she can. I can also recognize that her best is pretty far from basic kindness and that she does not have the wherewithal to respond to her children with empathy.

That’s great PP. I used to also give my mom grace but she recently lashed out at me in what I thought was a fit of anger while she was very stressed about a family member’s health but then she told me she meant every word of her tirade. So now I know she thinks I’m a selfish liar who hates her own family.
Couldn’t be further from the truth.

I’m sorry that happened. You might be misunderstanding me, though. My mother says all manner of terrible things. But I recognize she is a very limited person working to her limits. Grace doesn’t mean you just accept the verbal lashings or that it’s all so easy. It means you understand that your mom cannot do better rather than she won’t try and do better for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can talk to my mom about certain things, like how to cook a certain dish, or I can tell her funny stories, or I can talk to her about her health concerns.

I can’t talk to her about anything personal though, or about problems, or anything health related for me. It is what it is.

This is the same for me. My mom and I chat often and she is actually a lovely person, but our relationship is pretty superficial. We get along fine and spend time together but I don't share anything personal with her.

[Anonymous]

I talk to my mom every day. She's really empathic and has been supportive during every difficult moment in my life. (which has been a lot of the time recently) We can't talk about politics or religion without disagreeing, but we avoid those topics and try to keep our relationship strong. I feel lucky to have my mom, as I had a very challenging relationship with my father before he passed away last year.