Can you talk to your mom about things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

[Anonymous]

Some things. She’s 82 and I’ve been sharing less over the years. I don’t want to unnecessarily freak her out. I’m just trying to ride out the coming years in peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I used to talk to her about most topics but she abused that trust by giving bad advice, not keeping confidences, using information against me at random times, and using info to try to drive a wedge between me and my sister. She did the same to my sister, and now neither of us speak to her.

My teen daughter and I are pretty open with each other. The other day, she asked me to order food and if we could try a new restaurant. I told her to pick a restaurant on my way home from work and I’d pick it up, but not to order from door dash, order from the restaurant. She decided on pizza, and everything went well. We wound up having a discussion about the pros and cons of delivery/food ordering apps, who gets paid, who takes a cut, who gets the tips, etc. I thought it was cool that she was interested in workers rights and how the money we pay for food and services is distributed. It made me think about if I’d been in a similar situation with my own mother, if I asked for a pizza from a new restaurant, and she would’ve said something like, “Quit throwing away my money. Make your own damn pizza.” She wasn’t really into teachable moments.

This sounds like me PP. I love that my kids seem to talk to me about so many things, but lately as they have become young adults I get distracted as I'm talking to them wondering what I would have been like if I could speak to my mother about anything personal at all without being belittled or frightened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I mean, most of us who can answer affirmatively have the social-emotional intelligence not to answer an OP like this with, "Yes, I can talk to my mom about anything! She's the greatest!" There's a self-selection bias here (which is a good thing).

[Anonymous]

I try to. My mom tends to want to tell me how to solve every problem I encounter or tell me how to live my life even though I'm a grown up with a full time job, a mortgage and two kids.

[Anonymous]

No. She is self-centered, immature, and needy.

[Anonymous]

No even though when I do sometimes try, she can surprise me in a positive way. She's an overly reactive person. She makes things into a big deal when I need a reassuring hand that all will be well in time. It's more stressful rather than helping to ease the burden.

[Anonymous]

Yes. She's a pretty smart woman with a lot of common sense wtih decent business sense who has figured out how to have decent relationships with even difficult people. She's often got good advice or insights (and she doesn't get mad if you don't follow her advice, which is amazing. She just shares her experience and what she learned from it). I have an awesome mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I mean, most of us who can answer affirmatively have the social-emotional intelligence not to answer an OP like this with, "Yes, I can talk to my mom about anything! She's the greatest!" There's a self-selection bias here (which is a good thing).

Maybe. But I think it's kind of important to share that you do, in fact, have a good relationship with your mom (for example) because otherwise it can leave a reader with the impression that mother-daughter relationships are always crappy and it's not really possible to have a good one. Hearing that, yes, some people have good mothers who they can talk to, that it's not a unicorn dream, might be encouraging.

[Anonymous]

I've tried to talk to my mom about problems in the past when I've been desperate to talk to someone, but she always manages to make me feel worse in the end. She has a very low opinion of me as a person and likes to remind me that I am a hard person to be around. At one point my husband was drinking in secret. When I found out I panicked because my dad was an alcoholic. I confided in my mother because I thought she might have some good advice since she left my dad because of his drinking problems. She told me that she knows how I can be, insinuating that my husband was drinking because of me. In hindsight, I should have known she'd say something like that since in the past she has asked my husband how he puts up with me.

[Anonymous]

Yes I can. About anything. And I do. I feel so lucky she is only 68 and in great health. I am 46.

[Anonymous]

Never. She is judgmental and critical and anything you say or do will be misunderstood and come back to haunt you one day. She is a horrible person but thinks she’s a great mother who “knows her kids inside and out.” Uh, no you don’t, mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

[Anonymous]

Yes she is one of my best friends. Completely supportive and very careful to never overstep boundaries. My MIL is great too. I know I am very lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No OP I cut mine off. My is a toxic human and not trustworthy.

My mother taught me to cut off people and not to tell them why. Well that came back to bite her in a big way. Two out of four do not speak to her.

My life is so much better now.

OP sending hugs.

And some day your child will likely do the same to you. Deal with your dysfunction.