Can you talk to your mom about things?

[Anonymous]

Nope. My mother is self-absorbed and is a big fake, all about appearances. So she doesn't know about my 3 miscarriages, my son's autism spectrum diagnosis, marital problems, etc. OP, I get it. I hope you have a good support group.

[Anonymous]

The people on this thread who are judging those with bad relationships with their mothers have no idea what they’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us.

[Anonymous]

Very limited. She's great in a crisis. But run of the day stuff, no.
Plus, she's so judgmental. She won't spend time around my adult daughters because they're obese and she "can't stand to see them slowly killing themselves."
And of course, it's my fault they're overweight.

[Anonymous]

No. I always was a little envious of people who have moms they have a close relationship with--moms who actually wanted to be around their offspring, who had the ability to offer good advice etc. My mom's advice is the type that you should go and do the opposite if you want a good outcome.

You're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. She either makes it about her or minimizes the issue.

Exact same here. I always end up even more sad or upset when I share my problems with my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us.

PP. Let's take an example of weight loss. There is a huge space between saying "you'll never do it, fatty" and becoming your personal trainer, nutritionist and chef all in one. Yes, the latter can be immensely beneficial, but what if it's way above what your mom is capable of? I mean, some of the issues the people want their moms to solve are definitely above the paygrade of an average person - listen, but don't give advice, give advice, but at the exact right time, give the advice in the way that is preferred by the recipient (and figure that way out in advance). People go and get Masters and doctorates for that. Why can't ADULTS give grace to their moms too? Whatever excuses you give to yourself for not whipping yourself into an absolutely perfect human - circumstances, upbringing, health issues, genetics - your mom is entitled to them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No OP I cut mine off. My is a toxic human and not trustworthy.

My mother taught me to cut off people and not to tell them why. Well that came back to bite her in a big way. Two out of four do not speak to her.

My life is so much better now.

OP sending hugs.

Me too. My mom had 3. One committed suicide to escape her, I'm no contact. At least she has #3 golden child (a mid-30s incel living in her basement).

I don't need that crap in my life.

[Anonymous]

No. She’s soooooo busy reading books for book club, scrolling Facebook and commenting on random things, volunteering at the library one day a week, and running errands that she wouldn’t possibly have time.

If I mention anything that is bothering me or is stressing me out, she will just one-up me and then make it all about her and how much harder her life is/was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us.

PP. Let's take an example of weight loss. There is a huge space between saying "you'll never do it, fatty" and becoming your personal trainer, nutritionist and chef all in one. Yes, the latter can be immensely beneficial, but what if it's way above what your mom is capable of? I mean, some of the issues the people want their moms to solve are definitely above the paygrade of an average person - listen, but don't give advice, give advice, but at the exact right time, give the advice in the way that is preferred by the recipient (and figure that way out in advance). People go and get Masters and doctorates for that. Why can't ADULTS give grace to their moms too? Whatever excuses you give to yourself for not whipping yourself into an absolutely perfect human - circumstances, upbringing, health issues, genetics - your mom is entitled to them too.

I think that the way I was talking about moms suggests that I absolutely think we should give our moms grace.

And my mom did say things like "you'll never do it, fatty." She constantly called me fat, a b**ch, lazy, and entitled. She didn't think I deserved what I had (which, by the way, was a home environment so bad we got investigated by CPS more than once). I'm not sure that many of the people on this board are resentful of their mothers for not being the moms best ever, I bet it's more like being resentful of moms who were abusive, neglectful, emotionally unavailable, etc.

But personally, I firmly believe that everyone is doing their best. My mom's childhood was far worse than mine, and in spite of the things she said and did to me, she actually broke a lot of cycles. Now that I'm approaching 40, I have absolutely no ill will toward her and I'm grateful for how hard she tried and the good things she did for me. It took me a long time to get to this point though, and I don't think it is wrong that ten years ago I was still angry because of the way her actions impacted my life. And of course I just cannot go to my mom and expect advice and support. Why would I? She is incapable of giving it to me. And that's okay. I love her anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. She’s soooooo busy reading books for book club, scrolling Facebook and commenting on random things, volunteering at the library one day a week, and running errands that she wouldn’t possibly have time.

If I mention anything that is bothering me or is stressing me out, she will just one-up me and then make it all about her and how much harder her life is/was.

For example, I invited her over to see my updated powder room and new couches and she glanced at it for 15 seconds and then launched into a 20 min soliloquy about a home project she is thinking about doing - but it’s just hypothetical and not planned anytime in the near future. It’s always like this. At my wedding - talking about herself. Visiting when my first born was 3 days old - talking about herself. Me struggling to breastfeed a jaundiced baby - doesn’t ask how I am, just takes it as a criticism of how she didn’t breastfeed. Everything is about her and how she is either too busy to deal with anything or how she is the victim because the world doesn’t bend to her whims and read her mind.

[Anonymous]

Depends on what it is. Nothing too emotional and nothing where she would disapprove. She’ll be there for me if I need help which I don’t take for granted, but I can’t talk about anything personal with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us.

PP. Let's take an example of weight loss. There is a huge space between saying "you'll never do it, fatty" and becoming your personal trainer, nutritionist and chef all in one. Yes, the latter can be immensely beneficial, but what if it's way above what your mom is capable of? I mean, some of the issues the people want their moms to solve are definitely above the paygrade of an average person - listen, but don't give advice, give advice, but at the exact right time, give the advice in the way that is preferred by the recipient (and figure that way out in advance). People go and get Masters and doctorates for that. Why can't ADULTS give grace to their moms too? Whatever excuses you give to yourself for not whipping yourself into an absolutely perfect human - circumstances, upbringing, health issues, genetics - your mom is entitled to them too.

I think that the way I was talking about moms suggests that I absolutely think we should give our moms grace.

And my mom did say things like "you'll never do it, fatty." She constantly called me fat, a b**ch, lazy, and entitled. She didn't think I deserved what I had (which, by the way, was a home environment so bad we got investigated by CPS more than once). I'm not sure that many of the people on this board are resentful of their mothers for not being the moms best ever, I bet it's more like being resentful of moms who were abusive, neglectful, emotionally unavailable, etc.

But personally, I firmly believe that everyone is doing their best. My mom's childhood was far worse than mine, and in spite of the things she said and did to me, she actually broke a lot of cycles. Now that I'm approaching 40, I have absolutely no ill will toward her and I'm grateful for how hard she tried and the good things she did for me. It took me a long time to get to this point though, and I don't think it is wrong that ten years ago I was still angry because of the way her actions impacted my life. And of course I just cannot go to my mom and expect advice and support. Why would I? She is incapable of giving it to me. And that's okay. I love her anyway.

PP. I think we are on the same page, especially after what you said about your mom. My mom also came up from tough circumstances, and if she made any questionable decisions in the past, I always remember that she made them based on the information and options available to her there and then. You'd think that people here are resentful of their moms being truly abusive, but then you get the example a few posts above where the mom did not give enough compliments for the minor home update. Yeah, mom is not 100% attuned to her adult daughter's emotional needs and at this point she is thinking more about herself, but where is the horror?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us.

PP. Let's take an example of weight loss. There is a huge space between saying "you'll never do it, fatty" and becoming your personal trainer, nutritionist and chef all in one. Yes, the latter can be immensely beneficial, but what if it's way above what your mom is capable of? I mean, some of the issues the people want their moms to solve are definitely above the paygrade of an average person - listen, but don't give advice, give advice, but at the exact right time, give the advice in the way that is preferred by the recipient (and figure that way out in advance). People go and get Masters and doctorates for that. Why can't ADULTS give grace to their moms too? Whatever excuses you give to yourself for not whipping yourself into an absolutely perfect human - circumstances, upbringing, health issues, genetics - your mom is entitled to them too.

I can give my mom grace and recognize she’s doing the best she can. I can also recognize that her best is pretty far from basic kindness and that she does not have the wherewithal to respond to her children with empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us.

PP. Let's take an example of weight loss. There is a huge space between saying "you'll never do it, fatty" and becoming your personal trainer, nutritionist and chef all in one. Yes, the latter can be immensely beneficial, but what if it's way above what your mom is capable of? I mean, some of the issues the people want their moms to solve are definitely above the paygrade of an average person - listen, but don't give advice, give advice, but at the exact right time, give the advice in the way that is preferred by the recipient (and figure that way out in advance). People go and get Masters and doctorates for that. Why can't ADULTS give grace to their moms too? Whatever excuses you give to yourself for not whipping yourself into an absolutely perfect human - circumstances, upbringing, health issues, genetics - your mom is entitled to them too.

I can give my mom grace and recognize she’s doing the best she can. I can also recognize that her best is pretty far from basic kindness and that she does not have the wherewithal to respond to her children with empathy.

That’s great PP. I used to also give my mom grace but she recently lashed out at me in what I thought was a fit of anger while she was very stressed about a family member’s health but then she told me she meant every word of her tirade. So now I know she thinks I’m a selfish liar who hates her own family.
Couldn’t be further from the truth.