Meddling relative

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you Asian? Respect really means that you must show subordination and appreciation for being subordinate. Women are subordinate to men so your uncle is above your mother. He is asserting his control over you and demanding you show subordination. It has very little to do with actual appreciation.

Nope, but that’s interesting take. I think he’s meddling because he has lost control over the relationships in his own life. But he has always had a tendency to do this so I’m not surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't school starting? Shouldn't you be going home? Are you in the DMV?

Yes we’re going home soon, for the start of school. happy to be leaving soon, trying to relax this last week. I don’t actually think anyone is having a terrible time, just petty complaints all around. Also my uncle has a way of pressing people to see what’s bothering them, so he probably pressed my parents for some Complaints the same way he presses me. I’m so over him.

Nah, you've overstayed your welcome. You are so cavalier about staying there so long, I wonder if you're a less than delightful guest. I wouldn't respond at all to uncle but would make plans to leave in the next day or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't school starting? Shouldn't you be going home? Are you in the DMV?

Yes we’re going home soon, for the start of school. happy to be leaving soon, trying to relax this last week. I don’t actually think anyone is having a terrible time, just petty complaints all around. Also my uncle has a way of pressing people to see what’s bothering them, so he probably pressed my parents for some Complaints the same way he presses me. I’m so over him.

Nah, you've overstayed your welcome. You are so cavalier about staying there so long, I wonder if you're a less than delightful guest. I wouldn't respond at all to uncle but would make plans to leave in the next day or two.

I’m willing to agree that we are less than delightful guests some of the time. 5 weeks IS a long time to stay, and no guest is going to be “on” for 5 straight weeks while dealing with the hum drum of the every day remote work life and kid life and life life. But we were invited for much longer (8 weeks) even given a guilt trip about not staying the entire summer. So yes I’m cavalier about it because in the context that I’m living, this is not overstay our welcome. That said, our trip ends on Saturday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't school starting? Shouldn't you be going home? Are you in the DMV?

Yes we’re going home soon, for the start of school. happy to be leaving soon, trying to relax this last week. I don’t actually think anyone is having a terrible time, just petty complaints all around. Also my uncle has a way of pressing people to see what’s bothering them, so he probably pressed my parents for some Complaints the same way he presses me. I’m so over him.

Nah, you've overstayed your welcome. You are so cavalier about staying there so long, I wonder if you're a less than delightful guest. I wouldn't respond at all to uncle but would make plans to leave in the next day or two.

I’m willing to agree that we are less than delightful guests some of the time. 5 weeks IS a long time to stay, and no guest is going to be “on” for 5 straight weeks while dealing with the hum drum of the every day remote work life and kid life and life life. But we were invited for much longer (8 weeks) even given a guilt trip about not staying the entire summer. So yes I’m cavalier about it because in the context that I’m living, this is not overstay our welcome. That said, our trip ends on Saturday.

Sometimes things change. Maybe in theory 8 weeks sounded great, but in reality it's not working out. There are tensions, nerves get frayed, and everyone gets on each other's nerves. I don't think you get to be "cavalier" about being a rude guest in someone else's house even when you get called out on it by another relative because your parents may be too meek to say something direct to you. But, all you seem to want to consider is how terrible uncle is, not how terrible and taxing your own behavior may be on your parents who have been putting up with the morning beast for 5 long weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to not respond to uncle, but you do need to be civil in the AM, coffee or not. Stay in your room until you are ready to be polite.

I guess I’m not understanding why it’s such a big deal to not want to entertain probing questions about life plans etc first thing in the morning. I need to get out of my room because I need to get the kids ready for camp, make lunches etc so no I cannot hide in my room. But I’m busy getting them ready and then trying to sip my coffee in silence, outside in the backyard or in a room where nobody else needs to be so I’m not imposing on anyone. I guess I also don’t understand why this is an issue of overstaying our welcome since we were invited for even longer (we declined 8 weeks) and we are invited back. In my opinion Its not really ok to ask me all the questions that popped into your head just because they popped into your head then and there(eg how’s my friend from high school doing), rather than waiting until our nightly dinner or some other time we spend together to ask.

It’s totally fine for them to ask you any questions that pop into their mind. It’s not rude. If you don’t feel like delving into it, is is so hard to smile and deflect, with a “not really sure yet what our 5 year plan is, mom!” Or “Stacy! Wow. That’s quite a tale, can’t wait to tell you all about her later at dinner when I have more time! Speaking of which, do you need me to pick anything up for dinner tonight when I drop the kids at camp?”

It’s normal to talk to other humans during the day, not just at dinner. Now when you are working, it’s fine to say nicely, “sorry mom, I can’t talk just now, I have to get this TPS report back to my boss right away.” But nicely!

Hm I guess I disagree!

It’s never ok to be rude to your own parents! Good grief. You should treat them better than random people!

I disagree. They are my parents and should be the ones who understand the most that I need quiet time in the morning, especially if I say so. I’m happy to chit chat other times. Sometimes I wake up with a migraine and need time to adjust. Some times I just have a bad night sleep and need to ease into the day. If you can’t tell you parents what you need in terms of your own mental health and have it respected, who can you tell?

You started by saying you just needed coffee before engaging in conversation. Then it was that you are busy in the morning. Now it’s a question of mental health? Come on.

And going to your parents house and telling them that they can’t talk to you until dinner is quite the stance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to not respond to uncle, but you do need to be civil in the AM, coffee or not. Stay in your room until you are ready to be polite.

I guess I’m not understanding why it’s such a big deal to not want to entertain probing questions about life plans etc first thing in the morning. I need to get out of my room because I need to get the kids ready for camp, make lunches etc so no I cannot hide in my room. But I’m busy getting them ready and then trying to sip my coffee in silence, outside in the backyard or in a room where nobody else needs to be so I’m not imposing on anyone. I guess I also don’t understand why this is an issue of overstaying our welcome since we were invited for even longer (we declined 8 weeks) and we are invited back. In my opinion Its not really ok to ask me all the questions that popped into your head just because they popped into your head then and there(eg how’s my friend from high school doing), rather than waiting until our nightly dinner or some other time we spend together to ask.

It’s totally fine for them to ask you any questions that pop into their mind. It’s not rude. If you don’t feel like delving into it, is is so hard to smile and deflect, with a “not really sure yet what our 5 year plan is, mom!” Or “Stacy! Wow. That’s quite a tale, can’t wait to tell you all about her later at dinner when I have more time! Speaking of which, do you need me to pick anything up for dinner tonight when I drop the kids at camp?”

It’s normal to talk to other humans during the day, not just at dinner. Now when you are working, it’s fine to say nicely, “sorry mom, I can’t talk just now, I have to get this TPS report back to my boss right away.” But nicely!

Hm I guess I disagree!

It’s never ok to be rude to your own parents! Good grief. You should treat them better than random people!

I disagree. They are my parents and should be the ones who understand the most that I need quiet time in the morning, especially if I say so. I’m happy to chit chat other times. Sometimes I wake up with a migraine and need time to adjust. Some times I just have a bad night sleep and need to ease into the day. If you can’t tell you parents what you need in terms of your own mental health and have it respected, who can you tell?

You started by saying you just needed coffee before engaging in conversation. Then it was that you are busy in the morning. Now it’s a question of mental health? Come on.

And going to your parents house and telling them that they can’t talk to you until dinner is quite the stance.

It’s all three and more sometimes. Not sure why that’s so hard to understand. But it’s fine we just all went to lunch together and had a ball.

[Anonymous]

Do not respond to the uncle. If he says something to you, tell him your phone has been acting funny and ask him what was the text about. Wait for him to say something to your face, but I would bet he says nothing because he is a coward. If he says anything, tell him you were invited to come home and anything else is not his business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't school starting? Shouldn't you be going home? Are you in the DMV?

Yes we’re going home soon, for the start of school. happy to be leaving soon, trying to relax this last week. I don’t actually think anyone is having a terrible time, just petty complaints all around. Also my uncle has a way of pressing people to see what’s bothering them, so he probably pressed my parents for some Complaints the same way he presses me. I’m so over him.

Nah, you've overstayed your welcome. You are so cavalier about staying there so long, I wonder if you're a less than delightful guest. I wouldn't respond at all to uncle but would make plans to leave in the next day or two.

I’m willing to agree that we are less than delightful guests some of the time. 5 weeks IS a long time to stay, and no guest is going to be “on” for 5 straight weeks while dealing with the hum drum of the every day remote work life and kid life and life life. But we were invited for much longer (8 weeks) even given a guilt trip about not staying the entire summer. So yes I’m cavalier about it because in the context that I’m living, this is not overstay our welcome. That said, our trip ends on Saturday.

People do that and don't mean it or the reality changes things. Once the complaints start, which they have, you need to reassess. You can ruin relationships by not flexing at times like this.

[Anonymous]

The uncle is a jerk. If he has blown up us his own family relationships, he’s jealous of your parents that you’re there for several weeks. He’s projecting his own anger that his own family isn’t appreciative of him. It makes him feel good to take it out on you since he can’t meddle in their lives. If this leads to you visiting your own parents less, he gets a double win as misery loves company.

[Anonymous]

I'd either ignore the uncle or tell him to lay off the sauce and stop drunk texting people in the middle of the night.

In the future, no more stays longer than 5 days. Offer to have the KIDS stay longer and they can run them back and forth to camp and have them in the evening.

Not sure I get the coffee thing. I drink an espresso every morning, but I'm certainly capable of having a conversation without it, or even skipping it entirely. Maybe you're drinking too much caffeine and it's having a negative effect on your body--could be a trigger for the migraines you said you get. Clean up your diet and see if that helps.

[Anonymous]

Oh god just humor the old man who probably has some weird sort of point. Make ONE speech about how grateful you are to your parents for hosting you for well past the expiration date of most visits that any mildly aware person would do. You probably are a bit entitled but not horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to not respond to uncle, but you do need to be civil in the AM, coffee or not. Stay in your room until you are ready to be polite.

I guess I’m not understanding why it’s such a big deal to not want to entertain probing questions about life plans etc first thing in the morning. I need to get out of my room because I need to get the kids ready for camp, make lunches etc so no I cannot hide in my room. But I’m busy getting them ready and then trying to sip my coffee in silence, outside in the backyard or in a room where nobody else needs to be so I’m not imposing on anyone. I guess I also don’t understand why this is an issue of overstaying our welcome since we were invited for even longer (we declined 8 weeks) and we are invited back. In my opinion Its not really ok to ask me all the questions that popped into your head just because they popped into your head then and there(eg how’s my friend from high school doing), rather than waiting until our nightly dinner or some other time we spend together to ask.

It’s totally fine for them to ask you any questions that pop into their mind. It’s not rude. If you don’t feel like delving into it, is is so hard to smile and deflect, with a “not really sure yet what our 5 year plan is, mom!” Or “Stacy! Wow. That’s quite a tale, can’t wait to tell you all about her later at dinner when I have more time! Speaking of which, do you need me to pick anything up for dinner tonight when I drop the kids at camp?”

It’s normal to talk to other humans during the day, not just at dinner. Now when you are working, it’s fine to say nicely, “sorry mom, I can’t talk just now, I have to get this TPS report back to my boss right away.” But nicely!

Hm I guess I disagree!

It’s never ok to be rude to your own parents! Good grief. You should treat them better than random people!

I disagree. They are my parents and should be the ones who understand the most that I need quiet time in the morning, especially if I say so. I’m happy to chit chat other times. Sometimes I wake up with a migraine and need time to adjust. Some times I just have a bad night sleep and need to ease into the day. If you can’t tell you parents what you need in terms of your own mental health and have it respected, who can you tell?

You started by saying you just needed coffee before engaging in conversation. Then it was that you are busy in the morning. Now it’s a question of mental health? Come on.

And going to your parents house and telling them that they can’t talk to you until dinner is quite the stance.

It’s all three and more sometimes. Not sure why that’s so hard to understand. But it’s fine we just all went to lunch together and had a ball.

NP. I've spent several weeks at my parents' home the past few summers so on some level I think I can relate a bit. My mom seems to think any moment I'm not changing a diaper is a great chance to interrupt whatever I'm doing to chat about whatever is on her mind (whether it relates to me or not). She told my sister (who was staying with her another time) that my sister was always busy so my mom just interrupted any time she felt like it. BUT, I do wonder if you've told your parents that you need quiet in the mornings. I'm sure if you said "hey mom, I'm feeling a migraine coming, can we talk later" she'd give you peace and quiet. Seeking you out when you're meditating outside is one thing. Expecting them to tip toe around you in the kitchen while you sip your coffee and they make breakfast is unreasonable.

My mom also would think "well you talked to your kids as you got them out the door, I thought you were ready for the day." Your parents might see you interacting with your nuclear family and think you're ready to interact with them.

[Anonymous]

"I'm sorry if it appears we have been ungrateful, or if mom and dad have been communicating dissapointment in hosting us for so long. Perhaps we should head home sooner and plan shorter trips in the future."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't school starting? Shouldn't you be going home? Are you in the DMV?

Yes we’re going home soon, for the start of school. happy to be leaving soon, trying to relax this last week. I don’t actually think anyone is having a terrible time, just petty complaints all around. Also my uncle has a way of pressing people to see what’s bothering them, so he probably pressed my parents for some Complaints the same way he presses me. I’m so over him.

Nah, you've overstayed your welcome. You are so cavalier about staying there so long, I wonder if you're a less than delightful guest. I wouldn't respond at all to uncle but would make plans to leave in the next day or two.

I’m willing to agree that we are less than delightful guests some of the time. 5 weeks IS a long time to stay, and no guest is going to be “on” for 5 straight weeks while dealing with the hum drum of the every day remote work life and kid life and life life. But we were invited for much longer (8 weeks) even given a guilt trip about not staying the entire summer. So yes I’m cavalier about it because in the context that I’m living, this is not overstay our welcome. That said, our trip ends on Saturday.

NP. Don’t whine about how long you were invited and any “guilt trips.” The right time to stay as an extended guest is one day before you can’t manage to be a good guest anymore, whether that is 8 weeks, 5 weeks or 1 week. You don’t have to accept hospitality. If you cannot do so graciously, leave earlier than expected rather than be rude and ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Assume good intent.

Even if your parents havent said anything to your uncle, he's probably witnessed you being rude to them.

In fact, your coffee example doesnt really paint you in the best light.

Drafting 4 speeches may be a bit much, but its also reasonable for you to try to express some gratitude and basic manners