Meddling relative

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uncle sounds like a shit-stirrer. Why is he there for two weeks?? Does he have his own kids and grandkids?

I believe in respecting elders, so I wouldn’t directly confront him or shut him down, but I would ignore him. Next year if you do an extended visit, make it a bit short and ask your parents not to have uncle there. For all we know, your parents are irritated with him but can’t express it to him so they talk about mild annoyances involving you. Then he takes that ball and runs with it!

True, true. You know, I’m trying to have empathy because uncle is having his own shit show with his own family. So he’s in a dark place and cannot mend his own family problems, so maybe he is trying to assert some kind of control and “helpfulness” over us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to not respond to uncle, but you do need to be civil in the AM, coffee or not. Stay in your room until you are ready to be polite.

I guess I’m not understanding why it’s such a big deal to not want to entertain probing questions about life plans etc first thing in the morning. I need to get out of my room because I need to get the kids ready for camp, make lunches etc so no I cannot hide in my room. But I’m busy getting them ready and then trying to sip my coffee in silence, outside in the backyard or in a room where nobody else needs to be so I’m not imposing on anyone. I guess I also don’t understand why this is an issue of overstaying our welcome since we were invited for even longer (we declined 8 weeks) and we are invited back. In my opinion Its not really ok to ask me all the questions that popped into your head just because they popped into your head then and there(eg how’s my friend from high school doing), rather than waiting until our nightly dinner or some other time we spend together to ask.

It’s totally fine for them to ask you any questions that pop into their mind. It’s not rude. If you don’t feel like delving into it, is is so hard to smile and deflect, with a “not really sure yet what our 5 year plan is, mom!” Or “Stacy! Wow. That’s quite a tale, can’t wait to tell you all about her later at dinner when I have more time! Speaking of which, do you need me to pick anything up for dinner tonight when I drop the kids at camp?”

It’s normal to talk to other humans during the day, not just at dinner. Now when you are working, it’s fine to say nicely, “sorry mom, I can’t talk just now, I have to get this TPS report back to my boss right away.” But nicely!

Hm I guess I disagree!

It’s never ok to be rude to your own parents! Good grief. You should treat them better than random people!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to not respond to uncle, but you do need to be civil in the AM, coffee or not. Stay in your room until you are ready to be polite.

I guess I’m not understanding why it’s such a big deal to not want to entertain probing questions about life plans etc first thing in the morning. I need to get out of my room because I need to get the kids ready for camp, make lunches etc so no I cannot hide in my room. But I’m busy getting them ready and then trying to sip my coffee in silence, outside in the backyard or in a room where nobody else needs to be so I’m not imposing on anyone. I guess I also don’t understand why this is an issue of overstaying our welcome since we were invited for even longer (we declined 8 weeks) and we are invited back. In my opinion Its not really ok to ask me all the questions that popped into your head just because they popped into your head then and there(eg how’s my friend from high school doing), rather than waiting until our nightly dinner or some other time we spend together to ask.

It’s totally fine for them to ask you any questions that pop into their mind. It’s not rude. If you don’t feel like delving into it, is is so hard to smile and deflect, with a “not really sure yet what our 5 year plan is, mom!” Or “Stacy! Wow. That’s quite a tale, can’t wait to tell you all about her later at dinner when I have more time! Speaking of which, do you need me to pick anything up for dinner tonight when I drop the kids at camp?”

It’s normal to talk to other humans during the day, not just at dinner. Now when you are working, it’s fine to say nicely, “sorry mom, I can’t talk just now, I have to get this TPS report back to my boss right away.” But nicely!

Hm I guess I disagree!

It’s never ok to be rude to your own parents! Good grief. You should treat them better than random people!

I disagree. They are my parents and should be the ones who understand the most that I need quiet time in the morning, especially if I say so. I’m happy to chit chat other times. Sometimes I wake up with a migraine and need time to adjust. Some times I just have a bad night sleep and need to ease into the day. If you can’t tell you parents what you need in terms of your own mental health and have it respected, who can you tell?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that your parents have been complaining to your uncle about you and he is bringing this up as a warning?

Yes I’m sure that’s what’s happening but I guess I still see it as overstepping. We complain about them too but it’s just venting. What kind of warning would this be? They’ve already invited us back and on a winter vacation with them (which I’m having second thoughts about).

I'd completely ignore the uncle's text, but take the sentiment a little bit to heart and figure out something nice to do for your parents that you think they will appreciate. Like, do the like the kids artwork? Have the kids do a special drawing/painting before they leave. Do they like some appliance or something you have but they won't buy for themselves? Get them one. Whatever. You know them best and if this summer visit is overall good it's worth it to go a little over the top to keep the relationship on steady footing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would echo the pp. You can ignore the uncle but, perhaps he is hitting closer to the truth. You can't say 'good morning' even before coffee? That is rude. I think your parents are saints to host you this long!

Sure I can say good morning. But I can’t entertain questions likel “how’s your job going these days” or “how’s that friend from high school doing these days” etc. not before coffee!

You can't say "great" and "I don't know?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would echo the pp. You can ignore the uncle but, perhaps he is hitting closer to the truth. You can't say 'good morning' even before coffee? That is rude. I think your parents are saints to host you this long!

Sure I can say good morning. But I can’t entertain questions likel “how’s your job going these days” or “how’s that friend from high school doing these days” etc. not before coffee!

You can't say "great" and "I don't know?"

that is exactly what I say. But every time there are follow up questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't school starting? Shouldn't you be going home? Are you in the DMV?

Yes we’re going home soon, for the start of school. happy to be leaving soon, trying to relax this last week. I don’t actually think anyone is having a terrible time, just petty complaints all around. Also my uncle has a way of pressing people to see what’s bothering them, so he probably pressed my parents for some Complaints the same way he presses me. I’m so over him.

Have you thought of talking directly to your parents? Checking in to see if there are any problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would echo the pp. You can ignore the uncle but, perhaps he is hitting closer to the truth. You can't say 'good morning' even before coffee? That is rude. I think your parents are saints to host you this long!

Sure I can say good morning. But I can’t entertain questions likel “how’s your job going these days” or “how’s that friend from high school doing these days” etc. not before coffee!

You can't say "great" and "I don't know?"

that is exactly what I say. But every time there are follow up questions.

Then say you can talk more after breakfast, coffee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would echo the pp. You can ignore the uncle but, perhaps he is hitting closer to the truth. You can't say 'good morning' even before coffee? That is rude. I think your parents are saints to host you this long!

Sure I can say good morning. But I can’t entertain questions likel “how’s your job going these days” or “how’s that friend from high school doing these days” etc. not before coffee!

You can't say "great" and "I don't know?"

that is exactly what I say. But every time there are follow up questions.

Then say you can talk more after breakfast, coffee

In this case, at dinner, after camp drop offs and after work. Thats what I’ve offered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would echo the pp. You can ignore the uncle but, perhaps he is hitting closer to the truth. You can't say 'good morning' even before coffee? That is rude. I think your parents are saints to host you this long!

Sure I can say good morning. But I can’t entertain questions likel “how’s your job going these days” or “how’s that friend from high school doing these days” etc. not before coffee!

You can't say "great" and "I don't know?"

that is exactly what I say. But every time there are follow up questions.

Then say you can talk more after breakfast, coffee

In this case, at dinner, after camp drop offs and after work. Thats what I’ve offered.

Ok now I see why you are annoying. I don't know your schedule! I was just giving an example. You didn't need to respond. I'm done

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't school starting? Shouldn't you be going home? Are you in the DMV?

Yes we’re going home soon, for the start of school. happy to be leaving soon, trying to relax this last week. I don’t actually think anyone is having a terrible time, just petty complaints all around. Also my uncle has a way of pressing people to see what’s bothering them, so he probably pressed my parents for some Complaints the same way he presses me. I’m so over him.

Have you thought of talking directly to your parents? Checking in to see if there are any problems?

I probably should.

[Anonymous]

Come on, two sets of rude houseguests fighting over who is the biggest jerk overstaying their visit on the hapless hosts? All of you go to your own homes so you can be as rude as you want. Maybe OP's parents invited uncle to get under OPs skin so she takes her "not before coffee" bad attitude home and get the heck out.

[Anonymous]

You can’t engage in chitchat, but you can go back and forth for hours with people on DCUM about this.

[Anonymous]

OP are you Asian? Respect really means that you must show subordination and appreciation for being subordinate. Women are subordinate to men so your uncle is above your mother. He is asserting his control over you and demanding you show subordination. It has very little to do with actual appreciation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t engage in chitchat, but you can go back and forth for hours with people on DCUM about this.

True! But they’re obviously different things.