Meddling relative

[Anonymous]

My family is staying with my parents for several weeks this summer, and my uncle has also been visiting the last two weeks. My DH and I got a text from my uncle in the middle of the night essentially saying that we should be more grateful for my parents’ hospitality and suggested we prepare four little speeches from each member of my family thanking my parents. He has a tendency to overstep and offer unsolicited advice. Honestly, after five weeks at my parents we feel we have gone along with plenty of my parents ideas/wants — plenty to show that we are grateful. Anyway, the interpersonal relationship with my parents is not super smooth because of inherent personality differences, and I’m assuming my parents have complained to my uncle about us being rude at times (not wanting to chitchat in the morning before having coffee or during the work day when we’re working remotely and the kids are at camp). I’m at a loss about how to respond to my uncle or just not respond at all. Part of me wants to text back in all caps — mind your own business!! He has done this in the past and I think it’s manipulative and pushy, and now that my DH is also on the text chain he has the same reaction.

[Anonymous]

Something tells me he won't relent regardless of your response so just ignore.

[Anonymous]

Why are you there for so long?

Just trying to figure out if there is more to what the uncle has to say. You mentioned that your relationship with them isn't that smooth.

My aunt used to do this to me 'be nicer to your mother honey', but she had no idea what I was really dealing with when it came to my mother.

[Anonymous]

we are here for so long because my parents invited us and we can work remotely. We did it last summer. We don’t have to be here, but we want the kids to spend time with the grandparents and thought it’s nice. My parents want to spend time with us and the kids, and for the most part the kids are in camp all day so there isn’t any covert babysitting play on our part (also the kids are old enough to go entertain themselves too)

[Anonymous]

I would echo the pp. You can ignore the uncle but, perhaps he is hitting closer to the truth. You can't say 'good morning' even before coffee? That is rude. I think your parents are saints to host you this long!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would echo the pp. You can ignore the uncle but, perhaps he is hitting closer to the truth. You can't say 'good morning' even before coffee? That is rude. I think your parents are saints to host you this long!

Sure I can say good morning. But I can’t entertain questions likel “how’s your job going these days” or “how’s that friend from high school doing these days” etc. not before coffee!

[Anonymous]

Just ignore. I have an uncle like that. No good will come out of engaging with that type of boundary-stepping people. You can't reason or argue with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would echo the pp. You can ignore the uncle but, perhaps he is hitting closer to the truth. You can't say 'good morning' even before coffee? That is rude. I think your parents are saints to host you this long!

Sure I can say good morning. But I can’t entertain questions likel “how’s your job going these days” or “how’s that friend from high school doing these days” etc. not before coffee!

You’re setting yourself up for this by deciding to spend the entire summer living at your parents house. Stay for a few weeks and return home. Spending such a long stretch living at your parents’ house is just inviting petty complaints.

[Anonymous]

Tell him, “We you agree Mom and Dad deserve appreciation, and we already try to convey that through word and deed. So nice you can also be here and enjoy their hospitality, too!” Ignore the rest of his text.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that your parents have been complaining to your uncle about you and he is bringing this up as a warning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that your parents have been complaining to your uncle about you and he is bringing this up as a warning?

Yes I’m sure that’s what’s happening but I guess I still see it as overstepping. We complain about them too but it’s just venting. What kind of warning would this be? They’ve already invited us back and on a winter vacation with them (which I’m having second thoughts about).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him, “We you agree Mom and Dad deserve appreciation, and we already try to convey that through word and deed. So nice you can also be here and enjoy their hospitality, too!” Ignore the rest of his text.

+1

[Anonymous]

It’s a hint from your parents to do more of what they want.?They’ve been complaining to your uncle and he’s just passing it on. If you don’t want to disturb your routines I’d suggest making plans to leave. You’d be crazy to spend such an extended period of time with them again.

[Anonymous]

This would piss me off and honestly I would just leave. I would also throw back uncles rude message. I’d tell him that it is extremely rude and overstepping. Remind him that he is not part of your relationship with your parents. If he persists, you’ll block his email so don’t be surprised if you don’t get future responses.

You are adults and a meddling uncle should not pretend that you are children who he can scold. It makes him feel powerful and relevant, remind him that he’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would piss me off and honestly I would just leave. I would also throw back uncles rude message. I’d tell him that it is extremely rude and overstepping. Remind him that he is not part of your relationship with your parents. If he persists, you’ll block his email so don’t be surprised if you don’t get future responses.

You are adults and a meddling uncle should not pretend that you are children who he can scold. It makes him feel powerful and relevant, remind him that he’s not.

Yeah, I am contemplating not responding to the text at all (and DH won’t either) but when we see him later today making some of these points in person and then shutting down the conversation immediately afterwards.