MIL, miscarriages and taking a cheap shot at me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think stress caused your miscarriages (nor is your MIL or any of us qualified to comment on that). However, your assumption that you need to be stressed because you're a successful entrepreneur seems like a real red flag for me.

Chronic stress is extremely dangerous for your health...and frankly, why would you want to live like that? You can be a successful entrepreneur without being chronically stressed. As someone who's been there, I hope you are able to make some changes and escape the stress trap.

How old are your kids? Do you push them to go to TJ? An ivy league school? Become a doctor? I've run that entire track for decades and now am prioritizing my health over international acclaim or whatever was expected of my pedigree.

[Anonymous]

OP, my MIL made a similar comment several years ago. At the time I was really furious. In hindsight I think the level of stress I had in my life was just outside of what she could conceive of and it worried her, on some level, on my behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time you will know how to remain that private person and keep things to yourself.

That being said, I also think she's right to tell you you're stressed and that it won't help your health in any way.

Nope, unless she is OP's doctor, she absolutely does NOT have the right to say anything about OP's health. I feel sorry for your future children-in-law.

Great---so the older generation is no longer allowed to pass on what they believe (even incorrectly) or have learned through living to the younger generation? Are we not allowed to make kids wear a helmet since we're not a doctor who can attest to potential injury w/o one? Are older women not allowed to guide younger women through perimenopause since they're not a doctor? God knows doctors aren't educated and talking about this, so heaven help the younger women. Are we not allowed to let younger moms know it's ok if their toddler only eats three bites in a day--to let them learn to manage their own hunger and appetite and they'll eat when they're hungry, or are only doctors allowed to do that?

MIL may very well have thought she was helping OP by telling her stress can effect the body in unexpected ways. She's not wrong. Did that cause OP's miscarriage? Probably not, but does anyone KNOW that? Probably not. OP--what you have preferred MIL say? If this is really bothering you, then just tell her that when you told her about the miscarriages, it made you feel worse when she mentioned the stress, but saying X would have been preferable, so next time can you say that instead? Use your big girl words. Or don't use them if you prefer privacy, and things related to fertility are usually best dealt with privately or you run the risk of someone saying what you didn't want them to say and then getting bent out of shape or assuming it was a dig which it probably wasn't.

Joyful Grandma just entered the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time you will know how to remain that private person and keep things to yourself.

That being said, I also think she's right to tell you you're stressed and that it won't help your health in any way.

stress doesnt help. I am sorry for your loses. for what it is worth, I had a really stressful job and three miscarraiges during three years of trying. Got a new better non-toxic job and "Accidently" got pregnant two months later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time you will know how to remain that private person and keep things to yourself.

That being said, I also think she's right to tell you you're stressed and that it won't help your health in any way.

Nope, unless she is OP's doctor, she absolutely does NOT have the right to say anything about OP's health. I feel sorry for your future children-in-law.

Great---so the older generation is no longer allowed to pass on what they believe (even incorrectly) or have learned through living to the younger generation? Are we not allowed to make kids wear a helmet since we're not a doctor who can attest to potential injury w/o one? Are older women not allowed to guide younger women through perimenopause since they're not a doctor? God knows doctors aren't educated and talking about this, so heaven help the younger women. Are we not allowed to let younger moms know it's ok if their toddler only eats three bites in a day--to let them learn to manage their own hunger and appetite and they'll eat when they're hungry, or are only doctors allowed to do that?
.

No the difference isn't suggesting a kid wear a helmet. It would be the kid had suffered a head injury from falling off a bike and the only thing you can say is 'you should have worn a helmet'.

There is no concern, no empathy there is only judgement.

[Anonymous]

The only appropriate thing to say after someone has had a miscarriage is I’m so sorry, is there anything you need?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your losses, OP.

Be gentle with yourself and protect your privacy from now on; tell your MIL nothing at all remotely personal; don’t share your work woes, anything about your personal health, your worries, details, stories, nothing.

I learned the hard way with my own MIL of over 20 years who is a dispassionate gossip. I’ve gone gray rock maybe 10 years ago and I literally rest easier.

[Anonymous]

Realized I misused dispassionate. MIL is conniving, cold and hypercritical.

[Anonymous]

People her age are always looking for someone to blame. They're big on victim-shaming.

That's how my parents are and my ILs and I bet your MIL is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People her age are always looking for someone to blame. They're big on victim-shaming.

That's how my parents are and my ILs and I bet your MIL is the same.

I had heard that my MIL had falling outs with people specifically when they had medical incidents. Well I know now why. She probably said something completely mean. It's one thing to just say sorry and it's another to attack someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Realized I misused dispassionate. MIL is conniving, cold and hypercritical.

Sorry that sucks. I like / liked my MIL but I honestly don't know how to get over how mean she was this weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People her age are always looking for someone to blame. They're big on victim-shaming.

That's how my parents are and my ILs and I bet your MIL is the same.

Would you stop with the ageism?! Blaming and shaming are ageless.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your losses, OP. Everyone is stressed, being successful probably makes you less stressed than other folks who are struggling, frankly.

I would avoid talking to MIL about fertility stuff and I would also avoid a lot of talk about your business and how busy and stressed and successful you are, since clearly she has picked up on that and thinks you are overworked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for your losses, OP. Everyone is stressed, being successful probably makes you less stressed than other folks who are struggling, frankly.

I would avoid talking to MIL about fertility stuff and I would also avoid a lot of talk about your business and how busy and stressed and successful you are, since clearly she has picked up on that and thinks you are overworked.

All valid and good advice. I rarely talk about business, but they ask. I guess I'll become more gray rock. "Good, thanks". I also probably need my husband to be more of a gray rock too.