MIL, miscarriages and taking a cheap shot at me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That being said, I also think she's right to tell you you're stressed and that it won't help your health in any way.

Nope. Multiple miscarriages are likely due to a medical issue such as a blood clotting disorder or an undiagnosed autoimmune disease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That being said, I also think she's right to tell you you're stressed and that it won't help your health in any way.

Nope. Multiple miscarriages are likely due to a medical issue such as a blood clotting disorder or an undiagnosed autoimmune disease.

These have been ruled out with me. Really a large number of things can cause recurrent miscarriage. Probably the most likely with me is a defect in the shape of my uterus, fibroid and /or egg quality.

Regardless, my MIL the last time I saw her made a swipe at me for my success unrelated to miscarriage. So I know she must have wanted to take another swipe at it in the most disgusting way.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss op. I wonder if you could do a mental do over for your MIL. I am not saying that what she said was great but, when you have a fraught relationship things that normally wouldn't bother you sound way worse when you have negative experiences in the past. So instead of keeping the hurt assume that she meant well and tried to help you ( even clumsily) If you keep thinking that this person is evil than any interaction will be seen through that lenses. If you made a mistake would you want a person to give you a second chance and wipe away the past mistakes?

People are human and say the wrong things. Again I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss op. I wonder if you could do a mental do over for your MIL. I am not saying that what she said was great but, when you have a fraught relationship things that normally wouldn't bother you sound way worse when you have negative experiences in the past. So instead of keeping the hurt assume that she meant well and tried to help you ( even clumsily) If you keep thinking that this person is evil than any interaction will be seen through that lenses. If you made a mistake would you want a person to give you a second chance and wipe away the past mistakes?

People are human and say the wrong things. Again I am sorry.

The reality is when my MIL drinks too much, which is often, she gets very nasty to everyone. I can't prevent that unfortunately. I can't really avoid it either because they live in a rural town with no hotels nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my mom always says things with good intentions that come out as critical.

Stepping away from the stress causing the miscarriage - and focusing on managing your stress, is there an opportunity for you to start dong more meditation or other things to manage stress? I am asking if there is a nugget there that you can take and build on.

NP. If you said this to me after a miscarriage, I'd cut you off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss op. I wonder if you could do a mental do over for your MIL. I am not saying that what she said was great but, when you have a fraught relationship things that normally wouldn't bother you sound way worse when you have negative experiences in the past. So instead of keeping the hurt assume that she meant well and tried to help you ( even clumsily) If you keep thinking that this person is evil than any interaction will be seen through that lenses. If you made a mistake would you want a person to give you a second chance and wipe away the past mistakes?

People are human and say the wrong things. Again I am sorry.

The reality is when my MIL drinks too much, which is often, she gets very nasty to everyone. I can't prevent that unfortunately. I can't really avoid it either because they live in a rural town with no hotels nearby.

You can avoid it very easily. Stop visiting. DH can go alone if he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time you will know how to remain that private person and keep things to yourself.

That being said, I also think she's right to tell you you're stressed and that it won't help your health in any way.

Nope, unless she is OP's doctor, she absolutely does NOT have the right to say anything about OP's health. I feel sorry for your future children-in-law.

Great---so the older generation is no longer allowed to pass on what they believe (even incorrectly) or have learned through living to the younger generation? Are we not allowed to make kids wear a helmet since we're not a doctor who can attest to potential injury w/o one? Are older women not allowed to guide younger women through perimenopause since they're not a doctor? God knows doctors aren't educated and talking about this, so heaven help the younger women. Are we not allowed to let younger moms know it's ok if their toddler only eats three bites in a day--to let them learn to manage their own hunger and appetite and they'll eat when they're hungry, or are only doctors allowed to do that?

MIL may very well have thought she was helping OP by telling her stress can effect the body in unexpected ways. She's not wrong. Did that cause OP's miscarriage? Probably not, but does anyone KNOW that? Probably not. OP--what you have preferred MIL say? If this is really bothering you, then just tell her that when you told her about the miscarriages, it made you feel worse when she mentioned the stress, but saying X would have been preferable, so next time can you say that instead? Use your big girl words. Or don't use them if you prefer privacy, and things related to fertility are usually best dealt with privately or you run the risk of someone saying what you didn't want them to say and then getting bent out of shape or assuming it was a dig which it probably wasn't.

You are not going to be a good mil. And, no, pp you don't play guess the reason for a person's miscarriage. It is incredibly rude and can be very hurtful.

[Anonymous]

You should eliminate stressful situations before getting pregnant, especially with a history of miscarriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time you will know how to remain that private person and keep things to yourself.

That being said, I also think she's right to tell you you're stressed and that it won't help your health in any way.

Nope, unless she is OP's doctor, she absolutely does NOT have the right to say anything about OP's health. I feel sorry for your future children-in-law.

Great---so the older generation is no longer allowed to pass on what they believe (even incorrectly) or have learned through living to the younger generation? Are we not allowed to make kids wear a helmet since we're not a doctor who can attest to potential injury w/o one? Are older women not allowed to guide younger women through perimenopause since they're not a doctor? God knows doctors aren't educated and talking about this, so heaven help the younger women. Are we not allowed to let younger moms know it's ok if their toddler only eats three bites in a day--to let them learn to manage their own hunger and appetite and they'll eat when they're hungry, or are only doctors allowed to do that?

MIL may very well have thought she was helping OP by telling her stress can effect the body in unexpected ways. She's not wrong. Did that cause OP's miscarriage? Probably not, but does anyone KNOW that? Probably not. OP--what you have preferred MIL say? If this is really bothering you, then just tell her that when you told her about the miscarriages, it made you feel worse when she mentioned the stress, but saying X would have been preferable, so next time can you say that instead? Use your big girl words. Or don't use them if you prefer privacy, and things related to fertility are usually best dealt with privately or you run the risk of someone saying what you didn't want them to say and then getting bent out of shape or assuming it was a dig which it probably wasn't.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time you will know how to remain that private person and keep things to yourself.

That being said, I also think she's right to tell you you're stressed and that it won't help your health in any way.

Nope, unless she is OP's doctor, she absolutely does NOT have the right to say anything about OP's health. I feel sorry for your future children-in-law.

Great---so the older generation is no longer allowed to pass on what they believe (even incorrectly) or have learned through living to the younger generation? Are we not allowed to make kids wear a helmet since we're not a doctor who can attest to potential injury w/o one? Are older women not allowed to guide younger women through perimenopause since they're not a doctor? God knows doctors aren't educated and talking about this, so heaven help the younger women. Are we not allowed to let younger moms know it's ok if their toddler only eats three bites in a day--to let them learn to manage their own hunger and appetite and they'll eat when they're hungry, or are only doctors allowed to do that?

MIL may very well have thought she was helping OP by telling her stress can effect the body in unexpected ways. She's not wrong. Did that cause OP's miscarriage? Probably not, but does anyone KNOW that? Probably not. OP--what you have preferred MIL say? If this is really bothering you, then just tell her that when you told her about the miscarriages, it made you feel worse when she mentioned the stress, but saying X would have been preferable, so next time can you say that instead? Use your big girl words. Or don't use them if you prefer privacy, and things related to fertility are usually best dealt with privately or you run the risk of someone saying what you didn't want them to say and then getting bent out of shape or assuming it was a dig which it probably wasn't.

It doesn't matter what generation you are. No one has ever wanted unsolicited advice or opinions. Reading your post, your advice/opinions are especially unwanted.

~ a 57 year old

[Anonymous]

I don't think stress caused your miscarriages (nor is your MIL or any of us qualified to comment on that). However, your assumption that you need to be stressed because you're a successful entrepreneur seems like a real red flag for me.

Chronic stress is extremely dangerous for your health...and frankly, why would you want to live like that? You can be a successful entrepreneur without being chronically stressed. As someone who's been there, I hope you are able to make some changes and escape the stress trap.

[Anonymous]

This of you supporting MIL have clearly never dealt with infertility or a serious illness. When someone confides in you, you support them. Don’t play guessing games with their health or push cures based on a google search. I promise OP knows more about her own fertility and health than MIL and any of you posting about stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should eliminate stressful situations before getting pregnant, especially with a history of miscarriages.

"Dear MIL, I am taking your advice and avoiding stressful situations. Therefore, I will not be seeing you this year."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should eliminate stressful situations before getting pregnant, especially with a history of miscarriages.

"Dear MIL, I am taking your advice and avoiding stressful situations. Therefore, I will not be seeing you this year."

Sounds lovely dear, let me know when you conceive so I can plan a short vacation. Since you won’t be working due to stress, I’m sure you won’t mind entertaining me for a few months while I bond with my sweet new grand baby. I’m even thinking about selling my house so I can move closer, won’t that be such a joy! Be well and get plenty of bed rest so I can visit soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should eliminate stressful situations before getting pregnant, especially with a history of miscarriages.

"Dear MIL, I am taking your advice and avoiding stressful situations. Therefore, I will not be seeing you this year."

Sounds lovely dear, let me know when you conceive so I can plan a short vacation. Since you won’t be working due to stress, I’m sure you won’t mind entertaining me for a few months while I bond with my sweet new grand baby. I’m even thinking about selling my house so I can move closer, won’t that be such a joy! Be well and get plenty of bed rest so I can visit soon!

This is exactly what I feel like she means. As though I need to stop working. As though that's going to suddenly solve my infertility. She literally said the exact words every person that has infertility doesn't need to hear "you need to relax and it'll happen." GOOD LORD. Thanks for that MIL. I ignored all of that and she continued to press after I changed the subject.

As for stress, there is a specific, temporary situation Km going through with my businesses that is stressful right now. It's over in a few weeks. I've made big efforts to make sure this change leads to lower stress. In fact, that circumstance meant I made big efforts to spend literally a day with them despite being busy and that's the thanks I get for doing so.