MIL, miscarriages and taking a cheap shot at me

[Anonymous]

My bff’s dad wondered if something she did caused her to go into premature labor and lose her baby at 21 weeks. In his case, he wasn’t intending to make her feel like it was her fault; he was grieving and scared about this happening in future pregnancies and just wanted there to be an answer for why it happened so she would know how to avoid a similar loss in the future. Of course, it hurt my friend deeply.

If you’re positive that your MIL wants you to feel blame, just tell her that doctors know a lot more about miscarriages now than they did in her day and her thinking is outdated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH needs to run interference. He needs to manage his mother or she's out.

My husband has now had to run interference a few times. He has no problem running it here too. So far she has no accountability for her words. Despite being drunk when she does it, she never apologizes for inappropriate behavior specifically towards me.

According to my SIL it happens more often than I would think (she lives nearby).

[Anonymous]

my mom always says things with good intentions that come out as critical.

Stepping away from the stress causing the miscarriage - and focusing on managing your stress, is there an opportunity for you to start dong more meditation or other things to manage stress? I am asking if there is a nugget there that you can take and build on.

[Anonymous]

As soon as my MIL recognized that her precious son was done with her attitude and behavior regarding a lot of things, she changed her tune and started treating all of us with more respect. Your husband needs to step up and deal with her.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry; OP, both for your losses and that you were not supported by your MIL.
But— Is that a cheap shot? It’s not true, but it’s also a pretty common belief, especially for older people. I’m assuming you think this is a shot at you and your success due to other things she’s said because this, by itself, seems like a misconception.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP.
You could tell her, “Comments like that will teach me not to confide in you in the future. That’s sad.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time you will know how to remain that private person and keep things to yourself.

That being said, I also think she's right to tell you you're stressed and that it won't help your health in any way.

Nope, unless she is OP's doctor, she absolutely does NOT have the right to say anything about OP's health. I feel sorry for your future children-in-law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time you will know how to remain that private person and keep things to yourself.

That being said, I also think she's right to tell you you're stressed and that it won't help your health in any way.

Oh look. It's MIL.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, MIL's they always know how to make things worse. Always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time you will know how to remain that private person and keep things to yourself.

That being said, I also think she's right to tell you you're stressed and that it won't help your health in any way.

Nope, unless she is OP's doctor, she absolutely does NOT have the right to say anything about OP's health. I feel sorry for your future children-in-law.

Great---so the older generation is no longer allowed to pass on what they believe (even incorrectly) or have learned through living to the younger generation? Are we not allowed to make kids wear a helmet since we're not a doctor who can attest to potential injury w/o one? Are older women not allowed to guide younger women through perimenopause since they're not a doctor? God knows doctors aren't educated and talking about this, so heaven help the younger women. Are we not allowed to let younger moms know it's ok if their toddler only eats three bites in a day--to let them learn to manage their own hunger and appetite and they'll eat when they're hungry, or are only doctors allowed to do that?

MIL may very well have thought she was helping OP by telling her stress can effect the body in unexpected ways. She's not wrong. Did that cause OP's miscarriage? Probably not, but does anyone KNOW that? Probably not. OP--what you have preferred MIL say? If this is really bothering you, then just tell her that when you told her about the miscarriages, it made you feel worse when she mentioned the stress, but saying X would have been preferable, so next time can you say that instead? Use your big girl words. Or don't use them if you prefer privacy, and things related to fertility are usually best dealt with privately or you run the risk of someone saying what you didn't want them to say and then getting bent out of shape or assuming it was a dig which it probably wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry; OP, both for your losses and that you were not supported by your MIL.
But— Is that a cheap shot? It’s not true, but it’s also a pretty common belief, especially for older people. I’m assuming you think this is a shot at you and your success due to other things she’s said because this, by itself, seems like a misconception.

I mean, to be obvious, when someone confesses to you that they are devastated for losing their much wanted son, I'll give you advice that the last thing that person wants to hear is that it is their fault. Especially when medical professionals disagree.

Fwiw - she didn't ask if I was working on my stress. I actually have a stress coach and have made substantial changes to my business to reduce my stress. But she didn't ask that. She was looking for an opportunity to be mean and found it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time you will know how to remain that private person and keep things to yourself.

That being said, I also think she's right to tell you you're stressed and that it won't help your health in any way.

Nope, unless she is OP's doctor, she absolutely does NOT have the right to say anything about OP's health. I feel sorry for your future children-in-law.

Great---so the older generation is no longer allowed to pass on what they believe (even incorrectly) or have learned through living to the younger generation? Are we not allowed to make kids wear a helmet since we're not a doctor who can attest to potential injury w/o one? Are older women not allowed to guide younger women through perimenopause since they're not a doctor? God knows doctors aren't educated and talking about this, so heaven help the younger women. Are we not allowed to let younger moms know it's ok if their toddler only eats three bites in a day--to let them learn to manage their own hunger and appetite and they'll eat when they're hungry, or are only doctors allowed to do that?

MIL may very well have thought she was helping OP by telling her stress can effect the body in unexpected ways. She's not wrong. Did that cause OP's miscarriage? Probably not, but does anyone KNOW that? Probably not. OP--what you have preferred MIL say? If this is really bothering you, then just tell her that when you told her about the miscarriages, it made you feel worse when she mentioned the stress, but saying X would have been preferable, so next time can you say that instead? Use your big girl words. Or don't use them if you prefer privacy, and things related to fertility are usually best dealt with privately or you run the risk of someone saying what you didn't want them to say and then getting bent out of shape or assuming it was a dig which it probably wasn't.

After I left the conversation she came after me. I told her exactly this and of course she wants to believe that she's now the victim - that I "victimized" her. This is her typical reaction when you call her out for being mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry; OP, both for your losses and that you were not supported by your MIL.
But— Is that a cheap shot? It’s not true, but it’s also a pretty common belief, especially for older people. I’m assuming you think this is a shot at you and your success due to other things she’s said because this, by itself, seems like a misconception.

I mean, to be obvious, when someone confesses to you that they are devastated for losing their much wanted son, I'll give you advice that the last thing that person wants to hear is that it is their fault. Especially when medical professionals disagree.

Fwiw - she didn't ask if I was working on my stress. I actually have a stress coach and have made substantial changes to my business to reduce my stress. But she didn't ask that. She was looking for an opportunity to be mean and found it.

But saying stress is the cause is not the same as saying it's your fault. That's the leap I'm not understanding. I get that it's wrong, but why are you concluding that she says it's your fault you're under stress? Was there more to the comment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry; OP, both for your losses and that you were not supported by your MIL.
But— Is that a cheap shot? It’s not true, but it’s also a pretty common belief, especially for older people. I’m assuming you think this is a shot at you and your success due to other things she’s said because this, by itself, seems like a misconception.

I mean, to be obvious, when someone confesses to you that they are devastated for losing their much wanted son, I'll give you advice that the last thing that person wants to hear is that it is their fault. Especially when medical professionals disagree.

Fwiw - she didn't ask if I was working on my stress. I actually have a stress coach and have made substantial changes to my business to reduce my stress. But she didn't ask that. She was looking for an opportunity to be mean and found it.

But saying stress is the cause is not the same as saying it's your fault. That's the leap I'm not understanding. I get that it's wrong, but why are you concluding that she says it's your fault you're under stress? Was there more to the comment?

Yes there was much more to the comment and yes she made it very clear that **I** was the cause of my miscarriages. Even after I gave her the medical reasons I was not the cause of my miscarriages (I'm in the medical field).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP.
You could tell her, “Comments like that will teach me not to confide in you in the future. That’s sad.”

I agree with this approach. At first I wondered if MIL was acting out of concern/fear but your SIL’s reaction seems to indicate that she saw the comment the way you did. I’m sorry for your loss.