Reply to MIL Changing Plans to See Favorite Grandchild

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?

Loose lips sink ships. Don’t tell her anything unless you want to see her. And if your son actively wants to see her, that’s fine, but you don’t have to be around. Go on a spa weekend. He’s not a baby.[/quote]

Notice that OP won’t answer this question: How is she “finding out” your son’s plans?

If you told her, that’s on you.
If DH told her, that’s on him.

If YOUR SON told her, and he wants to see her, then THAT is what “rules the day.” It’s his time home and he should see the people he wants to see during the visit. If you don’t like that, take yourself out to the movies or get your nails done.[/quote]

I don't honestly remember. Most likely she asked, and we answered. It's hard to be evasive on direct questioning, and my son would have told her if we hadn't.

Actually, it was my son's idea to have brunch with me, my husband and daughter.

He hasn't heard anything about grandma's plans - that communication is going through my husband. She hasn't reached out to my son.[/quote]

Does your son really care if Grandma comes to brunch? You sound very possessive of your adult son.[/quote]

OP isn’t being possessive she doesn’t want a rude relative to demand an invitation. [/quote]

Sounds like son will probably invite her. Since he's the one who let her know.[/quote]

Nope, son did not invite her. OP’s MIL is one of those people who decides that being informed means she has an invitation. She knows that she doesn’t. This is why she announced that she is traveling through the area. This type digs for info and then announces that they are attending. The women in DH’s family are like this to varying degrees.

The only way to stop this rude behavior is say no. Tell her that she is not invited. It took me awhile to learn that pushy people will simply take advantage of those with nice manners. They will box you into a corner so you feel you can’t say no any firmer without being rude. This works for them to get what they want. You have to stand firm and f they force you to be rude, be rude. [/quote]

I'm OP, and this is the situation. No, son did not invite her. Yes, after reading some responses, I asked him what he wanted. The four of us out to brunch in DC. That's what we're doing. Not a perfect solution, but we simply won't be home.[/quote]

My MIL is like this. I am about 13 years behind you in terms of my kid being younger. My MIL was always a little pushy and I knew it while I was dating and then married my DH, but it was manageable and I was much younger and much more or a people pleaser. After having our kid though my MIL pushed herself into everything. It took me 3 years to figure it out and understand why I felt so exhausted, irritated and guilty that I felt this way about her presence.

Examples: 
A on our first big summer vacation with baby we went to a family beach house my in laws own for 2 weeks. We planned this 6 months ahead of time and 3 days before our trip MIL announced she would be there a day early to get the house ready. It had never occurred to me to explicitly ask her if she would be there because we barely talked about this vacation with her, my DH checked with her months ahead to make sure house would be available for us, and she never mentioned she was interested in going. From that time I learned we had to explicitly say we are going alone.

If I ever mentioned kids event MIL would immediately say “oh I would love to be there”. My old people pleasing self would reluctantly say ok

I started to not tell my MIL as much and when she found out about it she would and still will say “you should tell me this. I would have gone.” Most recently she said this to my DH about a special show my DH and kid planned for me for Mother’s Day. They surprised me with tickets to Kennedy center. When my DH told me mil the following week she immediately said “you should have invited me”.

Anyway, long ramble here but I feel you OP! It is honestly so frustrating. I have learned over years I need to just not tell her as much, say no (this feels awful but less awful over the years), and basically ignore her comments. It sucks because I actually like her otherwise but this has put a huge strain on her relationship and it doesn’t help that she now thinks I am difficult because I basically started having some decent boundaries (thanks in part to advice I’ve gotten on dcum).

My advice is similar to everyone else’s: tell her less info, if she explicitly asks just be honest - if you don’t want her say no, if you are ok with it say so. It’s an ongoing battle though but it’s gotten a little easier and I hope it will keep getting easier.[/quote]

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