Not even a card

[Anonymous]

I’d love a random card or flowers on a Tuesday in January, too.
But I don’t get it.
So the fact that I’ve specifically asked for a card is hurtful.
It’s ok to want what you want. It’s even better to ask for it, instead of hoping silently and being disappointed. It’s incredibly hurtful to be ignored after communicating something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So far, nothing from my dh. He knows cards mean a lot to me. Going to try not to snap and give it time. Hoping he’s going to head out later today to pick up a card, wilted flowers. Something. Anything.

I’m crying in the bathroom. So disappointed.

Even a “good morning! happy mother day, we love you” little sing song would’ve been nice.

So hard to not be nasty and mean right now. I’m so disappointed.

I pretexted my DH and laid out exactly what I expect and would like today with prewarning that Mother's day was today. I'm done with the hoping and wishing. I just demand it and lay out my expectations. lol It's not as wishful or emotional but it gets the job done. I also regularly add flowers to grocery pick up bc I like flowers but DH has never been a regular flower giver over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a made up holiday. I didn't do crap for my wife/mother either. I'm not a sucker for the greeting card industry.

+1 This. It's a made up holiday to make others feel guilty about their Mother, being a mother, not being a mother, being a "fur baby mother", etc. and so forth. It's one day out of the year. If you have no expectations you will not be disappointed. Honestly, I'd rather have a spontaneous "I love you" card in the middle of the year, unprompted by Hallmark than get overpriced wilted flowers.

+2

Rhis

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand men who won’t celebrate Mother’s Day. It’s such an easy way to show your wife you give AF. My H cleaned the house, got me flowers and my favorite coffee, cooked my favorite breakfast, helped the kids make a card. And now he’s my damn hero, and will be getting laid like tile for weeks. Fathers Day is going to be VERY fun for him.

Keep stomping your foot and pouting “but she’s not MY mom!” and see how much sex that gets you.

I mean they don't actually give AF if they only do anything on a fake holiday and if you have to send them re.inders and tell them what to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why Father's Day should come before Mother's Day in the calendar. Not the other way around. Moms would do a better job of remembering and setting expectations

Oh god no. Instead moms would put on big celebrations for Father’s Day and then receive nothing for Mother’s Day anyway. At least now, women who get nothing can not waste their time celebrating Father’s Day.

The answer is men need to make it a priority if they want a good marriage. It’s not difficult at all.

Blows my mind that men claim they built this world, created countries and governments and massive corporations, but celebrating a holiday is somehow too difficult.

Haha, I was thinking the same thing. No way should Father's Day be first. If a dad was aware enough to model his Mother's Day after what he got for Father's Day, he probably would do a good job on Mother's Day regardless.

I'd wager most men don't give A single F about having a ig to do on father's day or father's day at all if anything would probably just be happy with a happy father's day and keeping it moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d love a random card or flowers on a Tuesday in January, too.
But I don’t get it.
So the fact that I’ve specifically asked for a card is hurtful.
It’s ok to want what you want. It’s even better to ask for it, instead of hoping silently and being disappointed. It’s incredibly hurtful to be ignored after communicating something.

NP. OP, please sit down and examine -- if you can get past the emotion -- why you are so, so invested. It's OK to BE invested, but do you even understand why? Were you raised in a family where cards and gestures meant a lot, so you expect them now too? Or conversely, did you grow up in a family where little things like Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, or even big likes like birthdays, were not really acknowledged and you felt hurt when you saw friends or relatives getting a big deal made over them? I'm being serious with you here, not snarky. You mentioned that it had been a good week with your DH and you even had special time together this past week, but you then devalue that somewhat by indicating he also must hew to your requests for today. I'd also note that today isn't even over yet but you're already so upset you're crying and posting.

So think about the bigger picture, not just cards. Yes, "it's incredibly hurtful to be ignored after communicating something." But does your DH ignore you after you communicate about the truly important things? Things about your kids, your marriage? Is it possible you focus so much on specific gestures, for specific days of the year, that you don't see he does keep up with the things that matter more? I'm not here to say he's perfect or anything, I'm saying, can you step back from your potent emotions enough to ask why this means SO much to you, and if bigger issues are getting lost in all the focus on small ones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So far, nothing from my dh. He knows cards mean a lot to me. Going to try not to snap and give it time. Hoping he’s going to head out later today to pick up a card, wilted flowers. Something. Anything.

I’m crying in the bathroom. So disappointed.

Even a “good morning! happy mother day, we love you” little sing song would’ve been nice.

So hard to not be nasty and mean right now. I’m so disappointed.

Tough turkey. Open a can of been jerky.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for the post. It’s never about the card, right? Jsut like it’s never about the sock on the floor or the dirty dishes in the sink.
I think it’s about feeling under appreciated and taken for granted throughout the year. For the last several years. I think it’s about feeling resentful and burned out as the default parent, the carrier of the mental load, while also being the breadwinner for the last couple years.
I do things for the family and for my dh and it’s like he assumes it’s just my job to do it, to remember, to handle, to sort out. But he gets put off when I ask him to run the dishwasher, put the clothes away instead of dumping them on the bed, etc.
For one day, I’d like to make no decisions. Take no initiative. Not take care of, feed, plan, clothe, bathe, remember, sort etc. I’d like my dh to take care of me, appreciate me, SEE me, and acknowledge me. Listen to me. Appreciate that this house runs smoothly bc of my efforts.
I want to be seen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d love a random card or flowers on a Tuesday in January, too.
But I don’t get it.
So the fact that I’ve specifically asked for a card is hurtful.
It’s ok to want what you want. It’s even better to ask for it, instead of hoping silently and being disappointed. It’s incredibly hurtful to be ignored after communicating something.

NP. OP, please sit down and examine -- if you can get past the emotion -- why you are so, so invested. It's OK to BE invested, but do you even understand why? Were you raised in a family where cards and gestures meant a lot, so you expect them now too? Or conversely, did you grow up in a family where little things like Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, or even big likes like birthdays, were not really acknowledged and you felt hurt when you saw friends or relatives getting a big deal made over them? I'm being serious with you here, not snarky. You mentioned that it had been a good week with your DH and you even had special time together this past week, but you then devalue that somewhat by indicating he also must hew to your requests for today. I'd also note that today isn't even over yet but you're already so upset you're crying and posting.

So think about the bigger picture, not just cards. Yes, "it's incredibly hurtful to be ignored after communicating something." But does your DH ignore you after you communicate about the truly important things? Things about your kids, your marriage? Is it possible you focus so much on specific gestures, for specific days of the year, that you don't see he does keep up with the things that matter more? I'm not here to say he's perfect or anything, I'm saying, can you step back from your potent emotions enough to ask why this means SO much to you, and if bigger issues are getting lost in all the focus on small ones?

[Anonymous]

DH here. Once the child is old enough, it is their responsibility to give Mother’s Day card/gift. These are holidays for child to honor their parent. She is not my mother, nor am I her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. Once the child is old enough, it is their responsibility to give Mother’s Day card/gift. These are holidays for child to honor their parent. She is not my mother, nor am I her father.

That’s one perspective, sure. Another—my husbands— is that no one in the world can appreciate how much I do for our child as much as he does, because he loves her as much as I do.

Telling OP to suck it up is a lot of people very defensive about how little their spouses care about them, or how little they care about their spouses.

OP I’m sorry, please consider finding other ways to appreciate the day on the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d love a random card or flowers on a Tuesday in January, too.
But I don’t get it.
So the fact that I’ve specifically asked for a card is hurtful.
It’s ok to want what you want. It’s even better to ask for it, instead of hoping silently and being disappointed. It’s incredibly hurtful to be ignored after communicating something.

NP. OP, please sit down and examine -- if you can get past the emotion -- why you are so, so invested. It's OK to BE invested, but do you even understand why? Were you raised in a family where cards and gestures meant a lot, so you expect them now too? Or conversely, did you grow up in a family where little things like Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, or even big likes like birthdays, were not really acknowledged and you felt hurt when you saw friends or relatives getting a big deal made over them? I'm being serious with you here, not snarky. You mentioned that it had been a good week with your DH and you even had special time together this past week, but you then devalue that somewhat by indicating he also must hew to your requests for today. I'd also note that today isn't even over yet but you're already so upset you're crying and posting.

So think about the bigger picture, not just cards. Yes, "it's incredibly hurtful to be ignored after communicating something." But does your DH ignore you after you communicate about the truly important things? Things about your kids, your marriage? Is it possible you focus so much on specific gestures, for specific days of the year, that you don't see he does keep up with the things that matter more? I'm not here to say he's perfect or anything, I'm saying, can you step back from your potent emotions enough to ask why this means SO much to you, and if bigger issues are getting lost in all the focus on small ones?

Sorry, but this is BS. It’s not unreasonable for moms to expect their Hs put in some sort of effort on Mother’s Day. It doesn’t require reflection to figure out why, like it’s some crazy expectation. Most women just want a little bit of recognition for their work, since it is so devalued and overlooked by society. Most women just want to feel valued and that their work isn’t going unnoticed (because it usually does).

Valentines Day, birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day, Christmas. That’s only 5 days out of 365 that men need to put in some effort. 1% of the total days of the year to show your W you appreciate them, and it pays in dividends the rest of the year.

Men have it so easy. The bar is so low that it’s unreasonable for them to show some effort for a handful of days out of the year. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. Once the child is old enough, it is their responsibility to give Mother’s Day card/gift. These are holidays for child to honor their parent. She is not my mother, nor am I her father.

That’s one perspective, sure. Another—my husbands— is that no one in the world can appreciate how much I do for our child as much as he does, because he loves her as much as I do.

Telling OP to suck it up is a lot of people very defensive about how little their spouses care about them, or how little they care about their spouses.

OP I’m sorry, please consider finding other ways to appreciate the day on the future.

This. You can argue that she’s not your mom all you want, but reality is, doing a simple, nice gesture is SO GOOD for your marriage. Would you rather be “right”, or would you rather have a happy marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a made up holiday. I didn't do crap for my wife/mother either. I'm not a sucker for the greeting card industry.

Aren’t literally all holidays “made up?” And aren’t they all exploited by the greeting card industry? Have you ever given somebody a birthday card? Does that make you a sheep or a decent person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d love a random card or flowers on a Tuesday in January, too.
But I don’t get it.
So the fact that I’ve specifically asked for a card is hurtful.
It’s ok to want what you want. It’s even better to ask for it, instead of hoping silently and being disappointed. It’s incredibly hurtful to be ignored after communicating something.

NP. OP, please sit down and examine -- if you can get past the emotion -- why you are so, so invested. It's OK to BE invested, but do you even understand why? Were you raised in a family where cards and gestures meant a lot, so you expect them now too? Or conversely, did you grow up in a family where little things like Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, or even big likes like birthdays, were not really acknowledged and you felt hurt when you saw friends or relatives getting a big deal made over them? I'm being serious with you here, not snarky. You mentioned that it had been a good week with your DH and you even had special time together this past week, but you then devalue that somewhat by indicating he also must hew to your requests for today. I'd also note that today isn't even over yet but you're already so upset you're crying and posting.

So think about the bigger picture, not just cards. Yes, "it's incredibly hurtful to be ignored after communicating something." But does your DH ignore you after you communicate about the truly important things? Things about your kids, your marriage? Is it possible you focus so much on specific gestures, for specific days of the year, that you don't see he does keep up with the things that matter more? I'm not here to say he's perfect or anything, I'm saying, can you step back from your potent emotions enough to ask why this means SO much to you, and if bigger issues are getting lost in all the focus on small ones?

Sorry, but this is BS. It’s not unreasonable for moms to expect their Hs put in some sort of effort on Mother’s Day. It doesn’t require reflection to figure out why, like it’s some crazy expectation. Most women just want a little bit of recognition for their work, since it is so devalued and overlooked by society. Most women just want to feel valued and that their work isn’t going unnoticed (because it usually does).

Valentines Day, birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day, Christmas. That’s only 5 days out of 365 that men need to put in some effort. 1% of the total days of the year to show your W you appreciate them, and it pays in dividends the rest of the year.

Men have it so easy. The bar is so low that it’s unreasonable for them to show some effort for a handful of days out of the year. Ridiculous.

I posted this on the other thread, but honestly as a society we have moved away from holding men to a standard and moved towards making more and more creative excuses for their behavior (see “dad bod” and “boys will be boys!”)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d love a random card or flowers on a Tuesday in January, too.
But I don’t get it.
So the fact that I’ve specifically asked for a card is hurtful.
It’s ok to want what you want. It’s even better to ask for it, instead of hoping silently and being disappointed. It’s incredibly hurtful to be ignored after communicating something.

NP. OP, please sit down and examine -- if you can get past the emotion -- why you are so, so invested. It's OK to BE invested, but do you even understand why? Were you raised in a family where cards and gestures meant a lot, so you expect them now too? Or conversely, did you grow up in a family where little things like Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, or even big likes like birthdays, were not really acknowledged and you felt hurt when you saw friends or relatives getting a big deal made over them? I'm being serious with you here, not snarky. You mentioned that it had been a good week with your DH and you even had special time together this past week, but you then devalue that somewhat by indicating he also must hew to your requests for today. I'd also note that today isn't even over yet but you're already so upset you're crying and posting.

So think about the bigger picture, not just cards. Yes, "it's incredibly hurtful to be ignored after communicating something." But does your DH ignore you after you communicate about the truly important things? Things about your kids, your marriage? Is it possible you focus so much on specific gestures, for specific days of the year, that you don't see he does keep up with the things that matter more? I'm not here to say he's perfect or anything, I'm saying, can you step back from your potent emotions enough to ask why this means SO much to you, and if bigger issues are getting lost in all the focus on small ones?

Sorry, but this is BS. It’s not unreasonable for moms to expect their Hs put in some sort of effort on Mother’s Day. It doesn’t require reflection to figure out why, like it’s some crazy expectation. Most women just want a little bit of recognition for their work, since it is so devalued and overlooked by society. Most women just want to feel valued and that their work isn’t going unnoticed (because it usually does).

Valentines Day, birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day, Christmas. That’s only 5 days out of 365 that men need to put in some effort. 1% of the total days of the year to show your W you appreciate them, and it pays in dividends the rest of the year.

Men have it so easy. The bar is so low that it’s unreasonable for them to show some effort for a handful of days out of the year. Ridiculous.

Never once said that it was "unreasonable for [husbands] to show some effort a handful of days out of the year." Projecting much, PP? Because that's not what the post to which you're responding was about. OP needs to figure out why she is SO strongly reacting to this. I suspect that even if he gives her a card by the day's end she will still be perpetually upset. And guess what? She came back and responded to my post already, and the real issue is that she feels underappreciated ALL the time, is the main breadwinner etc. So it's not JUST about "show some effort for a handful of days." She's not getting effort all year long. Bigger picture and that's where her head needs to be, but the details of one day and one card are where her focus is today. One card will make her feel better until she wakes up tomorrow and they still are in what she views as an unappreciative relationship the other 364 days a year. But you missed the whole point.

So many times the upset over missing a Mother's Day etc. etc. is about something much bigger, but by your way of thinking, if the men put in a little effort that's the solution? It's just a band-aid, not the real problem.

OP and her DH need a sit-down, no-kids-around serious talk about why she feels underappreciated but she's so focused on Mother's Day that he will get the message that it's all about cards on Hallmark holidays, when teh message is a lot more serious than that.