Real Friends vs Mom Friends

[Anonymous]

Establishing yourself in the “inner parent circle”?

Yikes.

[Anonymous]

We set up WhatsApp groups for my friends from high school and friends from college. We stay in touch through chats and occasional video calls, and try to meet up once a year since many of us are not local. We spend more time with the families we know locally through school but I haven’t lost the threads that bind to my old friends.

np here. this sounds good. Do something Op. I've had gaps of decades, of feeling close to some friends, but we did stay very loosely in touch. Now we've circled back to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advise from an older woman: do everything in your power to keep close to your old friends. You will need them as touchstones and support later. “Mom friends” can become true friends but generally they are fleeting and mercurial. You’ll have to believe me on this.

Kids drift apart. Families move. Parents get divorced. Some kids play baseball. Others go to a different school because they are gifted. Or they choose private school.

I would not drop my real friends in attempts to make mom friends.

I agree with this. Alot of these friends are relationships based on convenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advise from an older woman: do everything in your power to keep close to your old friends. You will need them as touchstones and support later. “Mom friends” can become true friends but generally they are fleeting and mercurial. You’ll have to believe me on this.

Kids drift apart. Families move. Parents get divorced. Some kids play baseball. Others go to a different school because they are gifted. Or they choose private school.

I would not drop my real friends in attempts to make mom friends.

I agree with this. Alot of these friends are relationships based on convenience.

That’s true, but what’s also true is that young elementary students usually need an adult’s help to make play dates/birthday parties/sports teams happen with their classmates. One mom in my kid’s class is clear that she doesn’t have time to drive her kid to birthday parties and doesn’t want to chit-chat with other moms. Fine, but it didn’t take long for her kid not to be invited anymore, and then he heard about parties after they happened. Strive for balance—you don’t need to drop your old friends, but don’t assume other moms aren’t worth a little effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advise from an older woman: do everything in your power to keep close to your old friends. You will need them as touchstones and support later. “Mom friends” can become true friends but generally they are fleeting and mercurial. You’ll have to believe me on this.

Kids drift apart. Families move. Parents get divorced. Some kids play baseball. Others go to a different school because they are gifted. Or they choose private school.

I would not drop my real friends in attempts to make mom friends.

So you would risk leaving your kids as outcast just for your own friendships that would probably accept you back after the childhood years. Your child’s school years are temporary and you can get back to old friends later.

Uh, no. You can make new friends and keep the old. Ditching your old friends assuming you can pick back with them later means you are a shitty friend

Im not shitty for prioritizing my kids.

But your life is going to be pretty shitty once the kids grow up. It's close to impossible to develop new friendships in your 50s, and your old friends would not make time for you. Enjoy being lonely in your golden years, hope those years you spent on social engineering for your kids were worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advise from an older woman: do everything in your power to keep close to your old friends. You will need them as touchstones and support later. “Mom friends” can become true friends but generally they are fleeting and mercurial. You’ll have to believe me on this.

Kids drift apart. Families move. Parents get divorced. Some kids play baseball. Others go to a different school because they are gifted. Or they choose private school.

I would not drop my real friends in attempts to make mom friends.

I agree with this. Alot of these friends are relationships based on convenience.

That’s true, but what’s also true is that young elementary students usually need an adult’s help to make play dates/birthday parties/sports teams happen with their classmates. One mom in my kid’s class is clear that she doesn’t have time to drive her kid to birthday parties and doesn’t want to chit-chat with other moms. Fine, but it didn’t take long for her kid not to be invited anymore, and then he heard about parties after they happened. Strive for balance—you don’t need to drop your old friends, but don’t assume other moms aren’t worth a little effort.

I am that mom, and my three kids are doing just fine, thank you. If the whole class is invited, they will get an invite anyway, and if only a group of kids is invited, it's a pretty simple concept to get across that you are not going to be invited to every single birthday party in the world. As long as they are attending some parties, including the ones with friends from outside the school, life is pretty good.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you’re the mom I was talking about because it sounds like you allow your children to attend whole-class parties. The mom I was talking about doesn’t because her child is too young to be dropped off and she doesn’t want to spend time talking with other parents. I think she’s extreme, but it’s her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your college friends sound like drama queens. How often did you see them before? How often do you see them now?

Before kids we would brunch or ay least meet up for celebrations (holidays, birthdays). Rarely see them now, but im the only one with kids.

Speaking from personal experience, you need to work hard to keep your college friends. Mom friends are not real friends.

I have lost all of my pre-kid friends and I miss them sorely. It's probably 90% my fault.

[Anonymous]

OP, my experience is that "mom friends" come and go. My kids are in 4th grade, we have switched schools a few times and this is my experience. Your "old" friends will always be your friends and that is priceless. So, value them!

[Anonymous]

I think mom friends can become real friends. In my “mom”’group our kids are in the same grade but our kids aren’t all best friends. We do a lot of dinners out, walks, meet for coffee, and weekends without kids. You have to invest in the work of becoming friends not just talk about your kids and their schools etc. that’s where friendship happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me that the dynamics of friendships shift, but true friendships always remain. Deep friendships will sustain life’s transitions. Let the old petty friends go. Move on.

This

[Anonymous]

Mom friends are overrated. At some point your kids will make friends and you will have no one involvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost a best friend to motherhood. Then I became a mother and still never understood why she thought childless friends weren’t enough.It’s Never been the same. I give her minimal energy now even as a mom now.

+1 My BFF from high school. Lost her to motherhood at 19. She dropped me like a hot rock when I didn't take the same path, at the same time. (My kids came later.) I kept in touch in the hope that we'd resume our friendship once her child was older - which my mom had encouraged me to make room for - but it's been years since she put in any effort.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need both old friends and new friends. The former can’t expect you to maintain the same lifestyle now that you have kids, but in the long run, it’s worth keeping in touch with those who will still be there for you. Right now, it’s probably hard to know who that will be, but it will shake out with time. My kids are 10, 8, and 6, so I’m not a new mom.

IME, I’ve made some true women friends through my kids, i.e., “mom friends.” There are some women I’m friendly with for the sake of my kids, and others who are kindred spirits. You don’t need a ton of them, but you do need some. I can’t imagine if I didn’t have women friends I could talk to about stuff going on with my kids, and who got it. I still cherish my “old” friends who ended up not having kids, as I do the “new” ones who do have kids. Like I said, you need both.

[Anonymous]

I have friends going back 50 years, and I am 60.

You should never let go of longtime good friendships. They aren't that hard to maintain.