Real Friends vs Mom Friends

[Anonymous]

My friends from college accused me of ditching them for mom friends. I feel that since I’m new to the area (new school) I need to establish for myself for the kids sake. I dont want my kids feeling like outsiders…I feel like establishing yourself in the “inner parent circle” is a part of parenting. Has anyone put their established friendships on “hold” for new mom friendships. I dont have time for old friends and establishing new relationships. I understand kids grow up but I want the best for them.

How did you deal with this? All the birthday parties , invites etc?

[Anonymous]

Your college friends sound like drama queens. How often did you see them before? How often do you see them now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your college friends sound like drama queens. How often did you see them before? How often do you see them now?

Before kids we would brunch or ay least meet up for celebrations (holidays, birthdays). Rarely see them now, but im the only one with kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you that getting in with a group of moms matters and impacts the kids. wish it didn’t, but at our school it is absolutely the case. But I also think you can make time for older friendships if you value them. It’s hard, but both can and should be balanced.

I also think your own use of terminology here is interesting. Mom vs real. In my experience, I have a good group of mom friends but most of them are not who I turn to if I need someone if it is not related to the kids or school. Maybe only 1 out of the group. Eventually the kids grow up and pick their own friends and these moms will likely drift away. So to me, recognizing that, it remains important for me to invest in my “real” friends outside that group.

[Anonymous]

My mom once told me that the dynamics of friendships shift, but true friendships always remain. Deep friendships will sustain life’s transitions. Let the old petty friends go. Move on.

[Anonymous]

If they ever have kids they will apologize for hounding you. Right now they just don't get it. Your challenge is to NOT act like they don't get it but be there as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

I lost a best friend to motherhood. Then I became a mother and still never understood why she thought childless friends weren’t enough.It’s Never been the same. I give her minimal energy now even as a mom now.

[Anonymous]

You say it yourself : “ I dont have time for old friends and establishing new relationships.”

So yes, you have decided to ditch your old friends. Which makes you a bad friend. You are saying they are not worth being friends with because they aren’t moms. You suck.

[Anonymous]

It is normal to drift apart when you are the first one to have kids.

I don’t understand why you have to pick one friend group over another. I’m from NY and went to school in Boston. I moved to DC with 2 young kids and no dc friends. I only have mom friends.

I think it is odd that you seem to think you don’t have time for your real friends.

[Anonymous]

I make time for good friends, however they become my friends. My kids schools don’t have an inner circle- everyone is just friends with whoever they click with it who their kids click with.

[Anonymous]

Advise from an older woman: do everything in your power to keep close to your old friends. You will need them as touchstones and support later. “Mom friends” can become true friends but generally they are fleeting and mercurial. You’ll have to believe me on this.

[Anonymous]

My oldest is 13. We are currently on vacation with a mom friend I met when kids were in kindergarten and we were in the pta together. She is not a mom friend. She is just a friend. She gets along with my “real” friends who were not mom friends.

I didn’t choose mom friends over new mom friends. My new mom friends are part of our everyday lives and I see my childless or old friends less because they live out of state.

I wish I had childless friends I could go out with locally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advise from an older woman: do everything in your power to keep close to your old friends. You will need them as touchstones and support later. “Mom friends” can become true friends but generally they are fleeting and mercurial. You’ll have to believe me on this.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advise from an older woman: do everything in your power to keep close to your old friends. You will need them as touchstones and support later. “Mom friends” can become true friends but generally they are fleeting and mercurial. You’ll have to believe me on this.

Kids drift apart. Families move. Parents get divorced. Some kids play baseball. Others go to a different school because they are gifted. Or they choose private school.

I would not drop my real friends in attempts to make mom friends.

[Anonymous]

My closest mom friend has 2 kids while I have 3. We used to be super close until her oldest child started being mean to my toddler and put her in danger. Now I don’t want her kid near mine. Because of covid, we have not met up for over 2 years.

When you become mom friends and your kids don’t get along, the friendship also crumbles.