SIL having several baby showers for 2nd baby - am I supposed to send gifts to all of them?

[Anonymous]

I would skip all the showers because of covid. Then I would give one gift.

It’s fine to sell gifts that someone gave you, fyi. Don’t know why you think that’s not ok.

[Anonymous]

I just had another baby and didn’t expect any gifts. I do like expensive baby items and don’t like the judgement so I buy them myself. Our siblings gave us token gifts which was perfect. So give your SIL a $50 gift card and don’t attend the shower.

Totally disagree about donating gifts you receive vs selling. Donations usually are trashed salvation army doesn’t even accept baby toys. I think selling is better for the environment and gets to people who want it vs resellers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had multiple baby showers for my second baby. You’re WAY overthinking this.

I had multiple showers because I’m in multiple groups - H’s family, my family/friends, work, etc. I didn’t ask for any of them, I just know a lot of people who like to throw parties. I’d never expect anyone to attend all of them, but I did invite people I was close with to multiple showers since I didn’t want them to feel excluded. Didn’t care how many they went to.

I had a variety of price points on my registry because some people like to buy more expensive things. When I tried to downplay what we needed because I didn’t want people spending money, I still got pressured to let them know what expensive things we needed, so I included them. Otherwise people started buying me $500+ gift cards, figured I may as well tell them what I needed. I don’t care what people buy me, or if they buy me anything at all. And I certainly didn’t expect anyone to buy me 4 gifts.

As for the car seat, I wouldn’t use a used car seat, either. Many of them expire within 5 or 6 years, so if it’s already been used for a few years there’s a good chance it would expire while I was still using it. Makes way more sense to just get a new one.

I dunno, I know some people are gift-grabby, but I get so tired of women being labeled as tacky/selfish/money hungry when a lot of the time we’re pressured into the showers and gifts. I was totally fine with no showers or gifts, but my friends and family all really wanted to celebrate and help out. Even my coworkers, when I told them not to do anything, held a surprise shower and got me things like diapers, wipes, and gift cards.

Sorry, you still look gift grabby. You should have politely but firmly declined the offers of these showers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had multiple baby showers for my second baby. You’re WAY overthinking this.

I had multiple showers because I’m in multiple groups - H’s family, my family/friends, work, etc. I didn’t ask for any of them, I just know a lot of people who like to throw parties. I’d never expect anyone to attend all of them, but I did invite people I was close with to multiple showers since I didn’t want them to feel excluded. Didn’t care how many they went to.

I had a variety of price points on my registry because some people like to buy more expensive things. When I tried to downplay what we needed because I didn’t want people spending money, I still got pressured to let them know what expensive things we needed, so I included them. Otherwise people started buying me $500+ gift cards, figured I may as well tell them what I needed. I don’t care what people buy me, or if they buy me anything at all. And I certainly didn’t expect anyone to buy me 4 gifts.

As for the car seat, I wouldn’t use a used car seat, either. Many of them expire within 5 or 6 years, so if it’s already been used for a few years there’s a good chance it would expire while I was still using it. Makes way more sense to just get a new one.

I dunno, I know some people are gift-grabby, but I get so tired of women being labeled as tacky/selfish/money hungry when a lot of the time we’re pressured into the showers and gifts. I was totally fine with no showers or gifts, but my friends and family all really wanted to celebrate and help out. Even my coworkers, when I told them not to do anything, held a surprise shower and got me things like diapers, wipes, and gift cards.

Sorry, you still look gift grabby. You should have politely but firmly declined the offers of these showers.

Eh. Having the showers made my friends and family happy. It was fun getting together with them. If a couple people talked sh!t about me for it, that's fine by me. Everyone else had a great time, it's their choice if they want to be miserable about it.

[Anonymous]

you don't even need to send a gift foe one of them, let alone all. I'd do one very modest gift--like a couple of books and that's it. I hate gift grabs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, every sentence of your post is dripping with your disdain. Why go at all if you hate her so much? Gross.

NP. You spend so much time on DCUM and love to end your posts with your own disdainful “Gross.” Grow up. This lady wants to vent about her obnoxious, materialistic SIL. She’s allowed.

Hahha, I was going to ask the same thing. Lately there seems to be a poster who has the maturity of a tween, constantly saying "gross" to all manner of things. There can't possibly be that many adults who speak this way.

Like the poster who inserts SUPER everywhere. It is so childish that I assume there are teens fake posting here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL is pregnant with #2. For a variety of reasons, she got rid of all her baby stuff from #1. She says she didn't have room to store it all (understandable) but having known her for the better part of 20 years, I also know that she is bit materialistic and likes "all new."

For baby #1, I hosted her a baby shower and helped make sure she got all the necessary big ticket items that she wanted. She makes a comfortable income but for all of her showers or gift requests (wedding showers, baby shower and Christmas/birthday "lists") she asks for items that are outside the price point that she'd buy for herself. That's not my style but I've tried to accept that she and I do things differently. But this time, it's really bothering me. Especially because I've offered to pass along things (like carseat) from our 2nd. She claims it won't fit in one of their cars and they need a different one, that is significantly more $$$ than my Chicco that fit in the back of small sedan.



For baby #2 she is having several showers hosted by her husband's family and in different locations based on friend groups. I'm invited to all of them even tho they are several hours away (one of them being 4 hours away and I don't know anyone except her). Her registry again has some big ticket items that are higher than what she'd buy if she had to buy for herself.

I want to celebrate my future niece/nephew but all the showers feels like a total gift grab for big ticket items she won't buy herself. She knows we are able to buy nice gifts but I'm not feeling it. I also know she'll turn around and resell them in a few months when she's done (as opposed to donating, which I personally think you should do with items gifted to you). Years ago I bought her a high end purse for a milestone bday that she went on and on about wanting. She resold it within a year because "it was too heavy."

I'm venting the void of the unanimous internet and asking for permission to not attend the showers and only buy 1 gift (and possibly another for her child #1: for becoming a "big").

You know it would be unreasonable to assume you have to go to more than one shower. You're an adult. You don't have to go to any showers and can just send one gift that is not expensive. Distance yourself from them a little since you are fairly fed up with her. Let them do their thing and back away so you don't cross a line and try to control your sil's behavior. These are her choices. You don't have to play along, but it isn't up to you to change her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO it’s not worth the energy suck to hate on these people. How long did it take you just to write this out for instance? How long have you been stewing about this? Not being snarky, genuinely sincere based on people like this in my own life. It’s just not worth it. Shrug your shoulders and let it goooo.

Buy one big item that you take in person to the first shower then a couple smaller things for the additional showers that you don’t attend it person (like a really cute outfit).

I think your advice is horrible. I wouldn't enable this abuse of friendship and family. Op doesn't owe her sil a gift for every shower. Op isn't obligated to attend every shower. Anyone who thinks that is expected is from another planet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP- I have a lot of disdain for people who are like this-- especially the REselling of gifts. Who has that kind of time and wants to grub around like that. Just donate.

OP has a very good reason to look down her nose at this type of person. I would distance myself from her. You've done more than enough already.

I would wait until the baby is born, then send a MONOGRAMMED gift. It's thoughtful, elegant, less $$ if you choose well, and SIL from hell can't sell it.

Op don't do passive aggressive bs. Don't play op. Disengage from this craziness the easiest way possible. Send one simple gift, don't go to any showers, and if she is upset, she isn't a decent person so you'd want to back away anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL is pregnant with #2. For a variety of reasons, she got rid of all her baby stuff from #1. She says she didn't have room to store it all (understandable) but having known her for the better part of 20 years, I also know that she is bit materialistic and likes "all new."

For baby #1, I hosted her a baby shower and helped make sure she got all the necessary big ticket items that she wanted. She makes a comfortable income but for all of her showers or gift requests (wedding showers, baby shower and Christmas/birthday "lists") she asks for items that are outside the price point that she'd buy for herself. That's not my style but I've tried to accept that she and I do things differently. But this time, it's really bothering me. Especially because I've offered to pass along things (like carseat) from our 2nd. She claims it won't fit in one of their cars and they need a different one, that is significantly more $$$ than my Chicco that fit in the back of small sedan.



For baby #2 she is having several showers hosted by her husband's family and in different locations based on friend groups. I'm invited to all of them even tho they are several hours away (one of them being 4 hours away and I don't know anyone except her). Her registry again has some big ticket items that are higher than what she'd buy if she had to buy for herself.

I want to celebrate my future niece/nephew but all the showers feels like a total gift grab for big ticket items she won't buy herself. She knows we are able to buy nice gifts but I'm not feeling it. I also know she'll turn around and resell them in a few months when she's done (as opposed to donating, which I personally think you should do with items gifted to you). Years ago I bought her a high end purse for a milestone bday that she went on and on about wanting. She resold it within a year because "it was too heavy."

I'm venting the void of the unanimous internet and asking for permission to not attend the showers and only buy 1 gift (and possibly another for her child #1: for becoming a "big").

Carseats aren't supposed to be reused for safety purposes. She also doesn't have to take your hand me downs if she doesn't want them.

I think the issue is that once you give a gift (purse, baby shower, whatever), it's out of your control and what she does with it is none of your business. Do I agree with her lifestyle and how she lives it? No, but it's not my business.

Your only business is if you choose to give her a second baby gift. If you do, then do it in the spirit of welcoming your new niece or nephew and let it go. The rest is not your problem. If you don't choose to give her a gift, that's fine too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, does she expect you to attend all of them? Or were you invited so you could decide which one to attend?

You can decline all of them, and send a gift, or you can attend one and take a gift.

I’d be surprised if they expected you to send 4 gifts.

OP might have been invited as a courtesy. Only an insane person would expect her to attend all and bring a gift for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had another baby and didn’t expect any gifts. I do like expensive baby items and don’t like the judgement so I buy them myself. Our siblings gave us token gifts which was perfect. So give your SIL a $50 gift card and don’t attend the shower.

Totally disagree about donating gifts you receive vs selling. Donations usually are trashed salvation army doesn’t even accept baby toys. I think selling is better for the environment and gets to people who want it vs resellers

I agree. There are studies that show that people who get stuff for free value it less. I had a ton of stuff because I had twins and so many people donated to me. I had a friend who I reserved some really good stuff for. She put on a big act about how tight money was and was begging me for stuff. She told me years later when she was pregnant again and wanted more from me that she had never opened the bag I gave her and she was upset that it was really good stuff. It was her way of telling me she expect that level of stuff NOW. I sold stuff at a mom's group sale and the items are sold at such a huge discount that it is just better. Less waste.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:we bought the Silver Cross Balmoral Pram because we didn’t feel comfortable asking friends for it.

I had to Google that. Do you actually use it? Thankfully I’ve never seen one IRL on the street.

I’m would lol if I saw some pretentious woman prancing around with that thing. As soon as the kid can sit up it’s useless.

NP - I read this original comment as a sarcastic joke. It's a joke right? Why are ppl seriously thinking someone bought this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had multiple baby showers for my second baby. You’re WAY overthinking this.

I had multiple showers because I’m in multiple groups - H’s family, my family/friends, work, etc. I didn’t ask for any of them, I just know a lot of people who like to throw parties. I’d never expect anyone to attend all of them, but I did invite people I was close with to multiple showers since I didn’t want them to feel excluded. Didn’t care how many they went to.

I had a variety of price points on my registry because some people like to buy more expensive things. When I tried to downplay what we needed because I didn’t want people spending money, I still got pressured to let them know what expensive things we needed, so I included them. Otherwise people started buying me $500+ gift cards, figured I may as well tell them what I needed. I don’t care what people buy me, or if they buy me anything at all. And I certainly didn’t expect anyone to buy me 4 gifts.

As for the car seat, I wouldn’t use a used car seat, either. Many of them expire within 5 or 6 years, so if it’s already been used for a few years there’s a good chance it would expire while I was still using it. Makes way more sense to just get a new one.

I dunno, I know some people are gift-grabby, but I get so tired of women being labeled as tacky/selfish/money hungry when a lot of the time we’re pressured into the showers and gifts. I was totally fine with no showers or gifts, but my friends and family all really wanted to celebrate and help out. Even my coworkers, when I told them not to do anything, held a surprise shower and got me things like diapers, wipes, and gift cards.

Still tacky. You could have gracefully declined but you obviously wanted the gifts.

[Anonymous]

Is SIL your brother's wife or your husband's sister?

I'm guessing husband's sister?