when were inlaws allowed to see baby?

[Anonymous]

My MIL is a godsend! We took the first two weeks to get into a groove and then they came over. They live only a mile away and they are vaccinated. My MIL came over once a week until I went back to work to clean, cook, and watch the baby so I could get some sleep. She now watches him PT while I work. She does all of the laundry when she is here, cooks us dinner, and makes sure the house is clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for those that have delivered during the pandemic. When did you allow inlaws to come visit and see the baby? I'm at a point that I may have a preemie and I'm really worried. Inlaws are putting the pressure on to drive across the country and come see. I don't feel comfortable. Now I'm getting black mail of pics of their son back in the day when they drove across the country and he was six weeks old.

Can someone please explain how baby pictures of OP’s husband are considered “blackmail.” I’m so confused. What is OP talking about? 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got pressured into driving halfway across the country with a three week old and if I had to do it again, I’d have waited until 6 weeks. It was too soon for me. The baby was okay but I wasn’t. And my ILs didn’t get this at all— it barely occurred to them that I was still recovering. They only cared about the baby and they wanted all their friends to come see her. They threw a big party with dozens of people even though I’d expressly asked them to keep things small for my sake. My MIL kept getting mad at me for “hogging” the baby (I was feeding her, plus holding her in those early days helped me with my PPD).

That visit did years off damage to my relationship with my ILs. I felt pressured to do it and then mistreated while I was there. I was still bleeding from childbirth and struggling with mental health. No one cared, they just wanted to look at the baby.

Do what feels right for YOU, OP. You are a new mom and need to take care of yourself. Especially if the people around you aren’t taking care of you.

I could have written something very similar, right down to the part about it damaging my relationship with my MIL to this day. She made everything about her becoming a grandmother to her first grandchild, and treated me as a nuisance who was standing in the way of her snuggling her grandson. At one point she said “not yet, I’m not ready” when I asked her to hand him back to me so I could feed him- I was recovering from a C section and still in the hospital , so getting up and taking him back was not a realistic option. We also drove 4 hours to visit them when i was 3 weeks post partum - from a c section- and she said at the end of our visit “I know this was probably very difficult for you physically but it was all worth it to me to have my grandson to myself all weekend.”

She also was cooing at him once and cooed “when you’re older and you hate your parents you can always come stay with grandma.”

When the second one came along I was wiser, and she knew it, and she walks on eggshells around me now. But it’s too late .

What in the Sam Hill made you acquiesce to such a request? Extreme people pleaser?

[Anonymous]

We're waiting until he's 12 weeks old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got pressured into driving halfway across the country with a three week old and if I had to do it again, I’d have waited until 6 weeks. It was too soon for me. The baby was okay but I wasn’t. And my ILs didn’t get this at all— it barely occurred to them that I was still recovering. They only cared about the baby and they wanted all their friends to come see her. They threw a big party with dozens of people even though I’d expressly asked them to keep things small for my sake. My MIL kept getting mad at me for “hogging” the baby (I was feeding her, plus holding her in those early days helped me with my PPD).

That visit did years off damage to my relationship with my ILs. I felt pressured to do it and then mistreated while I was there. I was still bleeding from childbirth and struggling with mental health. No one cared, they just wanted to look at the baby.

Do what feels right for YOU, OP. You are a new mom and need to take care of yourself. Especially if the people around you aren’t taking care of you.

I could have written something very similar, right down to the part about it damaging my relationship with my MIL to this day. She made everything about her becoming a grandmother to her first grandchild, and treated me as a nuisance who was standing in the way of her snuggling her grandson. At one point she said “not yet, I’m not ready” when I asked her to hand him back to me so I could feed him- I was recovering from a C section and still in the hospital , so getting up and taking him back was not a realistic option. We also drove 4 hours to visit them when i was 3 weeks post partum - from a c section- and she said at the end of our visit “I know this was probably very difficult for you physically but it was all worth it to me to have my grandson to myself all weekend.”

She also was cooing at him once and cooed “when you’re older and you hate your parents you can always come stay with grandma.”

When the second one came along I was wiser, and she knew it, and she walks on eggshells around me now. But it’s too late .

PP here and hard relate to ALL of this. My MIL was so rude to me our entire visit and it was incredibly hurtful. Obviously heightened due to hormones, but even that was treated in such an unkind way ("oh she's just hormonal, her feelings don't matter"). And yes, she really seemed to think everything was about her and only her, and she was obsessed with the idea of getting to be alone with the baby.

At one point she suggested my DH and I leave for an overnight date in a neighboring town so that she could take care of the baby on her own. I was a bit confused at first, thinking she was talking about a future visit (in which case that would have been a kind offer). But she meant during that visit. Again, I was 3 weeks post partum, still bleeding, hormonal as hell, and dealing with what at the time we thought were baby blues but turned out later to be PPD. I was not up for a couples retreat. I told her, gently, that at this stage it was hard for me to be away from the baby for more than an hour or so at a time because I was still figuring out breastfeeding/pumping and it was just easier to be nearby while we sorted through that. MIL took this to mean I didn't trust her with the baby and was trying to keep them apart. She pouted for the rest of the trip about this -- mad because we wouldn't leave her alone with the baby for a 24 hour period that apparently I was supposed to spend sitting in a hotel room pumping milk and crying so that she could have more 1:1 time with her newborn grandchild.

And people said I was the hormonal one. Ffs.

Way to hijack a thread. Go to therapy.

This thread is literally about in laws visiting newborn babies. It’s in the title. and therapy isn’t an insult to throw around, it’s something the majority of people could benefit from

[Anonymous]

It’s been 3 months and my daughter won’t let us lay a finger on the baby. We’ve seen him twice, and that was only after COVID tests and double masking outdoors- could only look at him. My daughter says as long as “it’s a pandemic and the baby isn’t vaccinated for it, no one will be able to touch him.” I think she needs therapy to manage her anxiety. It’s distressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got pressured into driving halfway across the country with a three week old and if I had to do it again, I’d have waited until 6 weeks. It was too soon for me. The baby was okay but I wasn’t. And my ILs didn’t get this at all— it barely occurred to them that I was still recovering. They only cared about the baby and they wanted all their friends to come see her. They threw a big party with dozens of people even though I’d expressly asked them to keep things small for my sake. My MIL kept getting mad at me for “hogging” the baby (I was feeding her, plus holding her in those early days helped me with my PPD).

That visit did years off damage to my relationship with my ILs. I felt pressured to do it and then mistreated while I was there. I was still bleeding from childbirth and struggling with mental health. No one cared, they just wanted to look at the baby.

Do what feels right for YOU, OP. You are a new mom and need to take care of yourself. Especially if the people around you aren’t taking care of you.

I could have written something very similar, right down to the part about it damaging my relationship with my MIL to this day. She made everything about her becoming a grandmother to her first grandchild, and treated me as a nuisance who was standing in the way of her snuggling her grandson. At one point she said “not yet, I’m not ready” when I asked her to hand him back to me so I could feed him- I was recovering from a C section and still in the hospital , so getting up and taking him back was not a realistic option. We also drove 4 hours to visit them when i was 3 weeks post partum - from a c section- and she said at the end of our visit “I know this was probably very difficult for you physically but it was all worth it to me to have my grandson to myself all weekend.”

She also was cooing at him once and cooed “when you’re older and you hate your parents you can always come stay with grandma.”

When the second one came along I was wiser, and she knew it, and she walks on eggshells around me now. But it’s too late .

What in the Sam Hill made you acquiesce to such a request? Extreme people pleaser?

I was hormonal and sleep deprived and wasn’t even thinking. It was for SILs baby shower and we were told many times how important and meaningful it was for us to attend, and how hurtful it would be if we didn’t. If I were in a saner state of mind I’d have said no, but, I was so out of it. Again- when the second one came along I was wiser.

By the way, when someone says they were pressured into something when they were in a vulnerable state, and your response is “well why did you allow yourself to be pressured into that?”, you should look at why you blame the post partum , hormone filled, anxious new mother and not the person doing the pressuring. This applies to many settings , such as being pressured into sex when drunk for example. Be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been 3 months and my daughter won’t let us lay a finger on the baby. We’ve seen him twice, and that was only after COVID tests and double masking outdoors- could only look at him. My daughter says as long as “it’s a pandemic and the baby isn’t vaccinated for it, no one will be able to touch him.” I think she needs therapy to manage her anxiety. It’s distressing.

If you’re positive that pandemic anxiety is the sole reason behind this (and not just not wanting less than helpful visitors) then you should help your daughter. She is suffering from extreme PPA/PPD and probably doesn’t realize it. She needs you to help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the reply ladies. I must say that when I wrote in-laws, I wrote them only Because they are pushing to get a slot in. My parents have have already told me they will come when I feel the time is right for me, baby, and my husband (when we’ve sorted out a schedule). Otherwise i get that grandparents are grandparents regardless of which side.

Thank you all for the feedback. I even mentioned the covid test to the in-laws and I got some backlash. But as a FTM to be, I will have to toughen up and hold my ground and prioritize the baby’s health and my recovery.

I support treating in-laws/maternal grandparents equally - but this would change things.

Anyone not willing to take a COVID test/be vaccinated against whooping cough, etc, is NOT seeing baby.

They should also be willing to help out, or keep visits short. If they aren't helping (dishes, bringing food/cleaning up, whatever) then visits should be mid-day and no more than an hour until mom is feeling really good.

[Anonymous]

OP if they are “pushing to get a slot in” tell them over and over “I can’t tell you now until I know how I’m feeling and how the baby is doing. You’re just going to have to wait until we are ready. It might be right away or it might not be for a while. I’m sure that’s frustrating to hear because you’re excited but I’m not able to predict the future and my own health and my baby’s health are obviously going to take president”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been 3 months and my daughter won’t let us lay a finger on the baby. We’ve seen him twice, and that was only after COVID tests and double masking outdoors- could only look at him. My daughter says as long as “it’s a pandemic and the baby isn’t vaccinated for it, no one will be able to touch him.” I think she needs therapy to manage her anxiety. It’s distressing.

If you’re positive that pandemic anxiety is the sole reason behind this (and not just not wanting less than helpful visitors) then you should help your daughter. She is suffering from extreme PPA/PPD and probably doesn’t realize it. She needs you to help her.

It’s hard to help someone who believes she is 100% right. She wouldn’t let her dad (my husband) join the outdoor viewings as a punishment essentially, because he no longer wears masks when going to stores, in public etc. They only leave their home to take the baby to the doctor. I pity my grandson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got pressured into driving halfway across the country with a three week old and if I had to do it again, I’d have waited until 6 weeks. It was too soon for me. The baby was okay but I wasn’t. And my ILs didn’t get this at all— it barely occurred to them that I was still recovering. They only cared about the baby and they wanted all their friends to come see her. They threw a big party with dozens of people even though I’d expressly asked them to keep things small for my sake. My MIL kept getting mad at me for “hogging” the baby (I was feeding her, plus holding her in those early days helped me with my PPD).

That visit did years off damage to my relationship with my ILs. I felt pressured to do it and then mistreated while I was there. I was still bleeding from childbirth and struggling with mental health. No one cared, they just wanted to look at the baby.

Do what feels right for YOU, OP. You are a new mom and need to take care of yourself. Especially if the people around you aren’t taking care of you.

I could have written something very similar, right down to the part about it damaging my relationship with my MIL to this day. She made everything about her becoming a grandmother to her first grandchild, and treated me as a nuisance who was standing in the way of her snuggling her grandson. At one point she said “not yet, I’m not ready” when I asked her to hand him back to me so I could feed him- I was recovering from a C section and still in the hospital , so getting up and taking him back was not a realistic option. We also drove 4 hours to visit them when i was 3 weeks post partum - from a c section- and she said at the end of our visit “I know this was probably very difficult for you physically but it was all worth it to me to have my grandson to myself all weekend.”

She also was cooing at him once and cooed “when you’re older and you hate your parents you can always come stay with grandma.”

When the second one came along I was wiser, and she knew it, and she walks on eggshells around me now. But it’s too late .

What in the Sam Hill made you acquiesce to such a request? Extreme people pleaser?

I was hormonal and sleep deprived and wasn’t even thinking. It was for SILs baby shower and we were told many times how important and meaningful it was for us to attend, and how hurtful it would be if we didn’t. If I were in a saner state of mind I’d have said no, but, I was so out of it. Again- when the second one came along I was wiser.

By the way, when someone says they were pressured into something when they were in a vulnerable state, and your response is “well why did you allow yourself to be pressured into that?”, you should look at why you blame the post partum , hormone filled, anxious new mother and not the person doing the pressuring. This applies to many settings , such as being pressured into sex when drunk for example. Be better.

+1 and I'm sorry you went through that PP. I was pressured to travel sooner than I was physically or mentally ready because my FIL had been diagnosed with cancer and could not travel, and it created this intense pressure to get him time with the baby and also for us to come to him. I did not feel I could say no to that request. But in the end I wish I had, or that someone had spoken up on my behalf, because while I love my FIL and really felt for his situation, I was recovering from childbirth and should not have traveled at that point. Full stop. It was a crummy situation all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been 3 months and my daughter won’t let us lay a finger on the baby. We’ve seen him twice, and that was only after COVID tests and double masking outdoors- could only look at him. My daughter says as long as “it’s a pandemic and the baby isn’t vaccinated for it, no one will be able to touch him.” I think she needs therapy to manage her anxiety. It’s distressing.

If you’re positive that pandemic anxiety is the sole reason behind this (and not just not wanting less than helpful visitors) then you should help your daughter. She is suffering from extreme PPA/PPD and probably doesn’t realize it. She needs you to help her.

It’s hard to help someone who believes she is 100% right. She wouldn’t let her dad (my husband) join the outdoor viewings as a punishment essentially, because he no longer wears masks when going to stores, in public etc. They only leave their home to take the baby to the doctor. I pity my grandson.

I’m starting to see your daughters side. It’s not punishment to tell someone they can’t visit your newborn after going around to stores unmasked in the fags beforehand. I’d have told my dad no also. And if my mom eye rolled and viewed that as “punishment” and said things like “I pity your child”, I’d use the pandemic as an excuse to not have them over.

If you’re not a troll, call her OB and voice your concerns for PPA/PPD. There is ALWAYS something you can do to help a mentally ill loved one even if they don’t believe they’re sick. But it sounds like you just eye roll at her not wanting her baby to get sick.

[Anonymous]

Omg in the DAYS beforehand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been 3 months and my daughter won’t let us lay a finger on the baby. We’ve seen him twice, and that was only after COVID tests and double masking outdoors- could only look at him. My daughter says as long as “it’s a pandemic and the baby isn’t vaccinated for it, no one will be able to touch him.” I think she needs therapy to manage her anxiety. It’s distressing.

If you’re positive that pandemic anxiety is the sole reason behind this (and not just not wanting less than helpful visitors) then you should help your daughter. She is suffering from extreme PPA/PPD and probably doesn’t realize it. She needs you to help her.

It’s hard to help someone who believes she is 100% right. She wouldn’t let her dad (my husband) join the outdoor viewings as a punishment essentially, because he no longer wears masks when going to stores, in public etc. They only leave their home to take the baby to the doctor. I pity my grandson.

I’m starting to see your daughters side. It’s not punishment to tell someone they can’t visit your newborn after going around to stores unmasked in the fags beforehand. I’d have told my dad no also. And if my mom eye rolled and viewed that as “punishment” and said things like “I pity your child”, I’d use the pandemic as an excuse to not have them over.

If you’re not a troll, call her OB and voice your concerns for PPA/PPD. There is ALWAYS something you can do to help a mentally ill loved one even if they don’t believe they’re sick. But it sounds like you just eye roll at her not wanting her baby to get sick.

+1 except please don't call her OB, that's not appropriate.

I think it's quite possible the PP's daughter is using Covid as an excuse to maintain some distance from PP and her husband, who sound like they are disrespectful and unkind. If this thread has taught anyone anything, it should be that people are often in a vulnerable and sensitive state in the the weeks and months after giving birth, and they need supportive, loving, kind people around them. If that's not you, I don't care how badly you want to hold that baby, you shouldn't be around.

Be supportive or GTFO. Maybe I should cross-stitch that on a pillow and give it to new moms to put in their living rooms as a reminder to visitors what the deal is.