when were inlaws allowed to see baby?

[Anonymous]

Whenever they got here. They're pretty local and it took a few weeks. They didn't offer to babysit my older two kids and didn't even ask who was watching them. I think moms of boys just expect moms of girls to step in for things like that. My parents rented a place nearby because they were worried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pre-Covid, my MIL was at the hospital and popping in during my labor. HUGE MISTAKE. Then my FIL gave the baby a cold on her first day home which sent her back to the hospital. It caused a lot of problems between DH and myself and I get mad at myself every time I think of it. I just felt so bullied and inconsequential.

This baby, everyone is going to wait a full month before I let them see the baby (and after PCR Covid tests).

.yikes!!! How stressful!!!

It was truly awful. An Asian woman told me that in their culture they wait 40 days before allowing anyone to see the newborn. Sounds good to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for those that have delivered during the pandemic. When did you allow inlaws to come visit and see the baby? I'm at a point that I may have a preemie and I'm really worried. Inlaws are putting the pressure on to drive across the country and come see. I don't feel comfortable. Now I'm getting black mail of pics of their son back in the day when they drove across the country and he was six weeks old.

You're an adult and you set the rules. You decide when you are comfortable.

I had preemies well before covid and my ils refused to wash hands or not come over when they were sick. DH and I cut them off till we felt comfortable. My kids health was more important than selfish people who just wanted pictures to post online.

You know this is going to start all kinds of stupid posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the advice that your parents and in-laws are the same. That’s true about the baby but not true about the person recovering from childbirth. Pandemic or otherwise, priority goes to the people who are helpful in your recovery.

We saw my mother in law the day we came home from the hospital, after she had isolated and taken a PCR (this was in 2020). We saw my father in law two weeks later when he had been able to do the same. My parents arrived when she was four days old and stayed for a week, again, isolated and PCR.

+100.

My mother was helpful. My mil and fil were a nightmare. People who insist that you treat rude people the same as everyone else are immature. That is not how life works. After you have a child, you decide what you need and look out for you and baby first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom came the day we got discharged, she was an asset during the early days at home. I made her work (laundry, walking the dog, dishes, etc.). My in-laws came when baby was 3 weeks. They stayed at a hotel which was key for us. There’s no way I could have handled them at our home.

I think it really depends on the parents. Will they be helpful? Will you be comfortable if they stay at your house and you’re nursing?
As for covid/ health protocols, we made all the parents get flu shot, TDAP, covid x 3 and they had to covid test before leaving and on arrival.

Aren't you special. Do you always make your family work for the privilege of seeing you? I get needing help but it seems over the top! I love how the father's parents and the mother's parents are treated so differently and then DIL wonder why the paternal grandparents aren't as close.

There are reasons for that. My mil not only didn't care for my health, she didn't care about my premature baby's health. The first months after a baby is born shouldn't be about who gets to play pass the baby or gets the most photo ops. It should be all about taking care of the mother and child. Anyone who is shrill about being faaaaiiir is child and would be treated like one in my household.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the reply ladies. I must say that when I wrote in-laws, I wrote them only Because they are pushing to get a slot in. My parents have have already told me they will come when I feel the time is right for me, baby, and my husband (when we’ve sorted out a schedule). Otherwise i get that grandparents are grandparents regardless of which side.

Thank you all for the feedback. I even mentioned the covid test to the in-laws and I got some backlash. But as a FTM to be, I will have to toughen up and hold my ground and prioritize the baby’s health and my recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom came the day we got discharged, she was an asset during the early days at home. I made her work (laundry, walking the dog, dishes, etc.). My in-laws came when baby was 3 weeks. They stayed at a hotel which was key for us. There’s no way I could have handled them at our home.

I think it really depends on the parents. Will they be helpful? Will you be comfortable if they stay at your house and you’re nursing?
As for covid/ health protocols, we made all the parents get flu shot, TDAP, covid x 3 and they had to covid test before leaving and on arrival.

Aren't you special. Do you always make your family work for the privilege of seeing you? I get needing help but it seems over the top! I love how the father's parents and the mother's parents are treated so differently and then DIL wonder why the paternal grandparents aren't as close.

There are reasons for that. My mil not only didn't care for my health, she didn't care about my premature baby's health. The first months after a baby is born shouldn't be about who gets to play pass the baby or gets the most photo ops. It should be all about taking care of the mother and child. Anyone who is shrill about being faaaaiiir is child and would be treated like one in my household.

I wish that I'd gotten this advice before I had my baby. More importantly, I wish my DH had gotten this advice and taken it to heart. He got tons of pressure from my ILs and then it was up to me to say "no" and then of course be accused of "keeping the baby from his family" (not by him but by them). It was so frustrating.

I really wish I'd held my ground more and just ignored people being selfish. I was trying to make everyone happy. No one took care of me. No one. I had a really difficult post partum period and horrible PPD and I really think this is why -- I felt like no one understood what I'd been through or cared that I needed time to rest and recover and adjust to motherhood. I was an afterthought. I was so thrilled and happy with my baby but everything else was horrible and I carried around all that hurt and sadness for a long time.

[Anonymous]

My ILs were in town when I gave birth to stay with our older kids, back in November. They met the baby day 3 when we came home. They were vaccinated, boosted, took a rapid test before driving down, and wore masks around the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs were in town when I gave birth to stay with our older kids, back in November. They met the baby day 3 when we came home. They were vaccinated, boosted, took a rapid test before driving down, and wore masks around the baby.

^ and we made all grandparents get a TDAP booster back when I was pregnant with my first in 2016.

[Anonymous]

I had a baby in may 2021, which in terms of pandemic times was admittedly an ok time as folks were starting to get vaccinated and at the time they were working for current variants. I had a NICU baby, not preemie but was in the NICU for difficulty breathing, fluid in lungs etc for 4 days or so. Anyway at that time both sets of grandparents saw baby right away. It is totally fine to put boundaries for you as the recovering mother, and I would also encourage you to consider your relationship over time and kind of setting a good foundation for a positive grandparent relationship so that means both being comfortable setting boundaries as you need to, AND being considerate of grandparents excitement and joy. Since it’s your first you won’t have this full perspective yet but after having my first I felt like I better understood all the grandparents, thinking about what it would be like for me when my son has a child. Anyway, being considerate does not mean putting your needs aside, but it’s a part of the equation.

Fwiw I have had many, many friends have babies over the pandemic and all have let their parents meet baby quite quickly, depending on variants and timing sometimes with a covid test, but even those that gave birth in May 2020 grandparents met baby. My sister is an OB and gave birth in December 2021, we all met baby first week. Everyone is vaccinated. I mention she is an OB just because it seems relevant, she has been working throughout all of this so risk tolerance may be higher but she also has a good sense of things from her work. I January when omicron was raging we all saw each other but covid tested before.

Part of this may be communicating how they can help YOU the mom when they come to visit. Ideally their visit shouldn’t just be about meeting the baby, but mostly about bringing you all food, washing dishes, running errands. Staying in a separate Airbnb is a reasonable boundary to give you space but allow them to see baby. One thing I didn’t fully understand before my first (may 2021 baby was my second) was just how important my in laws would be to my sons. They adore them and their relationship with them is very important to me now that I’ve had a few years to adjust to parenthood. So, just sharing that perspective. They should certainly give you space, and I’d also try to give them grace that they are excited for one of the most joyous things in their life outside of birthing their own kids, their son having his first child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t differentiate between your parents and your in laws. This baby is grandchild to both. Your husbands parents are going to be important to the baby, just as your parents will be. It’s not only your baby - it is also your husbands.

If you have a preemie, which is scary, the hospital will have rules for visitors and you’ll have to follow them as will everyone else.

Once you get home, try to be even handed about who gets to see the baby.

If they’ll need to stay, you don’t have to let them bunk at your house, they can get a hotel or Airbnb or something.

I used to think this way -- but it's really different because it's not just the baby, it's the mother recovering in very physically private areas and emotionally vulnerable. The relationship of he mother with her parents v in laws is just different, sorry.
- Mother of 4 (oldest is 16)

[Anonymous]

Whatever you decide.. just say “doctor’s orders.”

[Anonymous]

Some PPs are missing an important part of OP's post.

Her IL's are asking/expecting her to travel across the country with her newborn as soon as possible after giving birth.

Many of you are talking about when grandparents saw your baby when they lived nearby, or traveled to see you. This is not the case in all families. I posted upthread about feeling pressured to travel a long distance to introduce my new baby to my ILs, and then having my needs and requests ignored during that visit where I wasn't in my own house and had less control over my surroundings.

When grandparents are unable or unwilling to travel to see a new baby, they need to accept that this means they may not see the baby for a while and they need to come to terms with that. Sometimes the reasons are totally understandable (health, age) and it's unfortunate. But it is not right to expect a new parent, and especially not a new mom who is still recovering from childbirth, learning to breastfeed, and dealing with massive hormone and mood shifts, to jumping in a car or on a plane to bring your grandchild to you. It is just unkind. A new mom and baby are in an emotionally and physically vulnerable state. Too often grandparents ignore that because of their excitement about the new baby, and THEY need to consider how their demands will impact their longterm relationship with their daughter, DIL, and grandchild. Seeing a newborn is special but it is not more important than providing support and respect to the newborn's primary caregivers. Sometimes the best way to love your grandchild is to be respectful of their mother's well being. Not all grandparents understand this, to their own detriment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pre-Covid, my MIL was at the hospital and popping in during my labor. HUGE MISTAKE. Then my FIL gave the baby a cold on her first day home which sent her back to the hospital. It caused a lot of problems between DH and myself and I get mad at myself every time I think of it. I just felt so bullied and inconsequential.

This baby, everyone is going to wait a full month before I let them see the baby (and after PCR Covid tests).

yikes!!! How stressful!!!

It was truly awful. An Asian woman told me that in their culture they wait 40 days before allowing anyone to see the newborn. Sounds good to me!

I wonder if the Asian woman was Indian?

I had my baby in this country and my mom came to help me. She was aghast at the lack of care for new mom and baby that she saw here as compared to what she was used to. Once we were home, she made sure that baby and I were under strict isolation and basically the house was in a lockdown. This was pre-pandemic.

I was given special diet, special drinks to increase milk supply. Every day, mom gave my baby and I medicinal oil massages to heal the bones, relax the muscles and build up stamina. The only bad part was that as part of this tradition, I had to follow strict rules about only drinking special warm water or beverages, to be fully covered and keep warm, and stay in a warmish room. Apart from that, my only job was to nurse the baby and sleep. For 40 days, my DH and mom - cleaned, cooked, did laundry, grocery and took care of the baby (diaper change, burping, holding the baby...etc, etc). I have realized that this was a needed time. DH was a trooper and he lined up as much help and outsourcing that he could get.

At the end of the 40 days, we had a religious ceremony with invited guests, to welcome the baby and to introduce the baby to the world. Everyone got to see the baby, were served a sumptuous meal (catered!), and after giving their blessings everyone went back home. I felt that everything was ok with the world.

[Anonymous]

I had to check when this was written, as I was sure it was a resurrected thread from 2020. As someone who did give birth “in the pandemic” and is about to give birth again, it’s laughable you think the current state is anywhere close to where we were 2020. Worry about colds, the flu, RSV. You’re using “the pandemic”, which is practically behind us, as an excuse to give your in-laws the middle finger.