When you can’t agree on having another child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband doesn't think he can handle another kid. He's presumably an older Dad and has a wife with a serious medical condition. Why would you want to increase his burden? Enjoy the time you have with the family you have.

I can tell you from my DH's experience that multiple siblings caring for an ill parent is not necessarily easier. DH and his siblings all get along but its just exhausting dealing with everyone's different opinions and trying to build consensus.

To all the PP who suggested he tricked OP - come on. Most people don't know what having kids is like till they have them. I always wanted 2 kids and after I had my first I decided I was done. My DH agreed and we love our small family. I didn't trick him I just changed my mind based on increase knowledge about what it actually takes to raise a child.

I agree that you can’t know what it’s like until you have a child.

I went the opposite direction from being indifferent to deeply wanting a big family. We have 3 kids and I would happily have a 4th but DH is done. My situation is different because I was the one who got married saying we could have ONE kid and my husband wanted 2 but was okay with one. Then ourfirst baby was amazing and that was that.

[Anonymous]

When we had this disagreement, I put the onus of birth control on DH. He was free to get condoms, or get a vasectomy, or pull out. And he did pull out for over a year until I got pregnant. 😂 he knew the risk he was taking!

[Anonymous]

I had 2 boys and wanted to have a third. I wanted to go for the girl. Dh eventually agreed.

[Anonymous]

I'm in your DH's position, but luckily, unlike him, I have a supportive spouse. Be happy with the family you have and channel your love into your existing child. You can volunteer with children if you really feel there's a gap. In addition, you may benefit from individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we had this disagreement, I put the onus of birth control on DH. He was free to get condoms, or get a vasectomy, or pull out. And he did pull out for over a year until I got pregnant. 😂 he knew the risk he was taking!

It's disturbing that you are posting laughing emojis about this.

I'm sure you're the type to come back and (with more smileys, of course) post about how much he loves that baby he didn't want. Surely he does. But while you put the onus of BC onto him, did you also simultaneously go get a job that pays more, to help fund that kid for the next 18-22 years at least? Or did you plan ahead for increasing life insurance, health insurance premiums, more money into a college fund....? What onus did you put on yourself to be ready for a child?

Oh, sorry, you probably find that too much like harsh reality. Pity he couldn't just go get a vasectomy and was dumb enough to think pulling out was fine. But you got what YOU wanted, so yay, you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had 2 boys and wanted to have a third. I wanted to go for the girl. Dh eventually agreed.

So did you have a girl? Because you were taking the huge risk of having a third boy. If you got your girl, fine, but it's a terrible example to others to indicate that if you wear down your spouse enough you can go for the gender you hope to get. Do you just keep going until you get the kid you want, or do you learn to live with and appreciate the family that's already living and breathing right there in your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had this disagreement, I put the onus of birth control on DH. He was free to get condoms, or get a vasectomy, or pull out. And he did pull out for over a year until I got pregnant. 😂 he knew the risk he was taking!

It's disturbing that you are posting laughing emojis about this.

I'm sure you're the type to come back and (with more smileys, of course) post about how much he loves that baby he didn't want. Surely he does. But while you put the onus of BC onto him, did you also simultaneously go get a job that pays more, to help fund that kid for the next 18-22 years at least? Or did you plan ahead for increasing life insurance, health insurance premiums, more money into a college fund....? What onus did you put on yourself to be ready for a child?

Oh, sorry, you probably find that too much like harsh reality. Pity he couldn't just go get a vasectomy and was dumb enough to think pulling out was fine. But you got what YOU wanted, so yay, you!

You sound like you have an axe to grind. Did your husband refuse to have a third kid or something? Not pp, but if her DH cared THAT much about not having a kid, bc should fall on him. Why should she be solely responsible for that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we had this disagreement, I put the onus of birth control on DH. He was free to get condoms, or get a vasectomy, or pull out. And he did pull out for over a year until I got pregnant. 😂 he knew the risk he was taking!

I tried this route, but my anxious DH just stopped sleeping with me all together. After a year of that, I went back on birth control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had 2 boys and wanted to have a third. I wanted to go for the girl. Dh eventually agreed.

So did you have a girl? Because you were taking the huge risk of having a third boy. If you got your girl, fine, but it's a terrible example to others to indicate that if you wear down your spouse enough you can go for the gender you hope to get. Do you just keep going until you get the kid you want, or do you learn to live with and appreciate the family that's already living and breathing right there in your house?

I did get our girl. Dh adores her and she is such a daddy’s girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had 2 boys and wanted to have a third. I wanted to go for the girl. Dh eventually agreed.

So did you have a girl? Because you were taking the huge risk of having a third boy. If you got your girl, fine, but it's a terrible example to others to indicate that if you wear down your spouse enough you can go for the gender you hope to get. Do you just keep going until you get the kid you want, or do you learn to live with and appreciate the family that's already living and breathing right there in your house?

I did get our girl. Dh adores her and she is such a daddy’s girl.

She brings us a lot of joy. I obviously knew we could have had a boy.

Gender preferences are there. Only on dcum is it horrible.

[Anonymous]

I convinced my husband to have a second (and a third). He was worried about adding more to our plate. Now he is so happy to have a big family and very happy I insisted.

Since your husband is concerned with the labor, why don’t you agree on division of labor, hire help, ask family, etc. if you have the money, get a live in nanny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had this disagreement, I put the onus of birth control on DH. He was free to get condoms, or get a vasectomy, or pull out. And he did pull out for over a year until I got pregnant. 😂 he knew the risk he was taking!

It's disturbing that you are posting laughing emojis about this.

I'm sure you're the type to come back and (with more smileys, of course) post about how much he loves that baby he didn't want. Surely he does. But while you put the onus of BC onto him, did you also simultaneously go get a job that pays more, to help fund that kid for the next 18-22 years at least? Or did you plan ahead for increasing life insurance, health insurance premiums, more money into a college fund....? What onus did you put on yourself to be ready for a child?

Oh, sorry, you probably find that too much like harsh reality. Pity he couldn't just go get a vasectomy and was dumb enough to think pulling out was fine. But you got what YOU wanted, so yay, you!

I didn't write that comment, but had a similar experience. What an odd assumption (projection?) that OP failed to plan for another child. When planning to have more kids, I already out-earned my spouse, and then yes, I did find another job which paid significantly more.

Is it too much like harsh reality for you that many families have the resources for another child? If you wanted another child but do not have the resources, then I truly feel sorry for you and I hope that you can find peace with your situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had this disagreement, I put the onus of birth control on DH. He was free to get condoms, or get a vasectomy, or pull out. And he did pull out for over a year until I got pregnant. 😂 he knew the risk he was taking!

It's disturbing that you are posting laughing emojis about this.

I'm sure you're the type to come back and (with more smileys, of course) post about how much he loves that baby he didn't want. Surely he does. But while you put the onus of BC onto him, did you also simultaneously go get a job that pays more, to help fund that kid for the next 18-22 years at least? Or did you plan ahead for increasing life insurance, health insurance premiums, more money into a college fund....? What onus did you put on yourself to be ready for a child?

Oh, sorry, you probably find that too much like harsh reality. Pity he couldn't just go get a vasectomy and was dumb enough to think pulling out was fine. But you got what YOU wanted, so yay, you!

You sound like you have an axe to grind. Did your husband refuse to have a third kid or something? Not pp, but if her DH cared THAT much about not having a kid, bc should fall on him. Why should she be solely responsible for that?

+1. Why should the responsibility of BC fall on the woman, rather than on the partner who does not want more children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did he LIE to her?
Was he shocked to learn he might need to change a poopie diaper???

He didn't lie. He changed his mind. It happens.

He didn't lie or change his mind. He learned from experience. He explicitly told OP that he enjoyed having a child, but learned from the first child that it was more work than he expected and was willing to go through again. In addition, he has the burden of a wife who has a chronic illness that may cause her health to degenerate in the future. He is being thoughtful and preparing to care for HER if her illness actually causes her to need care. OP is concerned about having children to care for her, but there is no guarantee that her children will be old enough, capable enough or willing enough to care for her as her health deteriorates, but her husband seems to be all three and will care for her.

As a husband who has a wife with a degenerative genetic disorder, I do think long term about how much care I need to provide for my wife. For me, I was willing to take care of her and two children, so we stopped at two children. I can definitely understand his concerns and why he would want to stop at one child.

And I think it would be unfair for OP to push him to have and raise another child when he may need to provide care for a medically deteriorating spouse and one child already and has said that he doesn't think he is up to going through the childcare responsibilities for another child.

[Anonymous]

don't discuss anything just ditch the birth control and get pregnant FCS. it happens.