When you can’t agree on having another child

[Anonymous]

When DH and I married we agreed that we wanted 2-3 kids, but after we had our first, who is now 4, DH decided that it was more work than he anticipated and he does not want another. He is great with our daughter overall, but does not want to do it again. We both have siblings we are close to, and what makes this even harder for me is that I have a chronic illness that will mean I need care when I am older, and possibly won’t live as long as I could without this illness - so I really hate our DD to not have a sibling to help deal with all of this, even if there is no guarantee that they are close. DH is also 8 years older than I am.

We have already seen a couples therapist twice but DH thought it was a total waste and having another child isn’t something you do for someone else when it’s really not what you want. At this point it seems like I have no other choice than to let it go and be happy with our one, since I won’t just get pregnant and see what happens.

Has anyone else been in this situation and have any advice to offer? How did you cope with not having another child and letting go of it?

[Anonymous]

Would he be open to hiring a full time nanny? I think that is the solution for the very labor intensive early years, he can kind of check out and you can get your second kid.

[Anonymous]

I mean, what can you do? You can’t force another person to have a child they don’t want; it’s not fair to either of them. So I just live with it. Use the money you would have spent on another kid to get yourself set up to be cared for if you need it - that is actually a pretty selfish reason to want another kid anyway and there’s no way to know the child would grow into someone who would help out anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, what can you do? You can’t force another person to have a child they don’t want; it’s not fair to either of them. So I just live with it. Use the money you would have spent on another kid to get yourself set up to be cared for if you need it - that is actually a pretty selfish reason to want another kid anyway and there’s no way to know the child would grow into someone who would help out anyway.

This. Save aggressively for your own care, and for therapy to help you work through your grief. There is no other solution. You cannot have another child unless you leave him.

I’m sorry. You’re not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, what can you do? You can’t force another person to have a child they don’t want; it’s not fair to either of them. So I just live with it. Use the money you would have spent on another kid to get yourself set up to be cared for if you need it - that is actually a pretty selfish reason to want another kid anyway and there’s no way to know the child would grow into someone who would help out anyway.

It’s not selfish -it’s practical. She’s assessing that a small nuclear family will assuredly increased the burden on DD down the road. Another child wouldn’t necessarily ease that burden, but there is a chance the sibling would be in the trenches with DD.

We’ve become so programmed to think that hiring out is the solution to everything. We forget that family used to be your support network.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize with your situation. Be aware that everyone here is going to tell you that "the no vote wins" and you need to drop it and that you should be content with the one child that you have.

However, my unpopular opinion is that you should not drop it so easily. Your feelings on this are equally valid as his. And, he is the one who has changed his mind. You entered this marriage expecting to have 2-3 children.

I think ultimately it comes down what type of person your DH is and what relationship you have. Many men are quite obstinate in their views, expect their spouse to generally go along with their decisions, and would greatly resent feeling pressured into having another. There are some men who are more flexible in their thinking, and can be persuaded by their wives. What is the real consequence for you if you continue to bring it up? Do you think he would leave you over pushing the issue? Why not keep trying. I would also remind him that you entered into this marriage with the expectation of having 2-3 kids, if you have not already.

Finally, I do think that you need to separate the issue of your health issues and you child(ren) taking care of you. You could have 1 child or 4 children and there is still no guarantee that they will step up to care you for in old age. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

So his "no" wins. But,
If you felt you had to divorce over this that's understandable.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing you can do, OP. Children have to be a joint decision.

And do not ever depend on your child or children for your care. Save.

[Anonymous]

Isn't this when women "accidentally" have kids?

[Anonymous]

It’s possible that your chronic illness is playing into his decision to stop at one. Ie he does not believe he can adequately take care of you AND two children. Are you affected by it now? Was it known when you two initially decided on 2-3 children?

Personally, if I had a chronic illness, I would simplify my life as much as possible to maintain as good health as I can. And save a lot of money to help with my care when I am older. Having a second child would make both of these goals much more difficult.

[Anonymous]

There's no security that your children will take care of you. My mother thought she was a great mother, but had she needed medical help then I would not have taken care of her.

[Anonymous]

You can keep talking and sharing your point of view. But if he won’t agree, there’s nothing else you can do. Yes, it sucks a lot. I can’t offer advice on the “letting go” part— still working on that years later. It sounds trite, but do try to focus on the now and enjoy the child you have.

[Anonymous]

My DH didn't really want a second. He's an amazing dad. We have two because I really really wanted a sibling for our first and she is the apple of his eye. He said at one point he can't believe what we would have missed out on had we stopped at one.

Just wanted to share a positive story; it's perhaps not a probability but it's a possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this when women "accidentally" have kids?

Please don't do this.

Honestly I think it's great that your husband cares enough about you and your family to communicate with you about what he's capable of handling.

It's okay to mourn the loss of this idea of family that you had. It's okay to be sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would he be open to hiring a full time nanny? I think that is the solution for the very labor intensive early years, he can kind of check out and you can get your second kid.

Please tell us you're kidding.