So sick of my child’s picky eating

[Anonymous]

You can always join BetterBites program by the KidsEatInColor team. It does re Qi ire patience and understanding of the root if your kid's pickiness but it helps.

[Anonymous]

I don’t hit my kids or support hitting any kid, but this makes parenting way more work in a multitude of ways. I really liked The Secret of Parenting for general advice, not eating advice.

My kids are incredibly picky because food is always plentiful and available to them. They can just wait for the next preferred food. Mine are at a healthy weight because I’m careful to avoid buying junk, but it’s no surprise Americans (of all ages) are heavy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a parent of a 20 year old complete recovered severe selective eater.

His eating was beyond "picky eating" and when he was around 8 affected his growth. He gradually ate less and less, lost the desire to eat, and stopped growing. He was diagnosed with ARFID but they didn't really have a lot of evidence based treatments for him.

Over the next 6 years I worked with him intensively to help him learn to notjust tolerate, but be able to love, look forward to and enjoy different foods with different tastes and different textures. It was a very long, slow, painstaking process. One resource that helped me was this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Helping-Child-Extreme-Picky-Eating/dp/162625110X

Also helpful were some of the educational models for parents found at the Duke University ARFID Clinic website:

https://www.dukehealth.org/treatments/psychiatry/eating-disorders/avoidantrestrictive-food-intake-disorder-arfid

In my opinion, the single best thing I realized was that severe picky eating is like a learning disability. Kids can learn to eat foods with new tastes and new textures, but may need more time, different techniques, and more assistance to be able to handle them without anxiety. So just as insisting to a child with dyslexia "Read this paragraph or else!!" won't work and will just cause more anxiety, telling a severe selective eaters "This is what is for dinner and nothing else" basically is not going to work. In my case, it wasn't true that "he'll eat when he is hungry". My child was willing to starve rather than eat food he couldn't accept.

I will tell you that the recovery process was very long, slow and hard. There are no quick fixes. I do recommend intervening very early, even before you are sure there is a clinical problem. The same as with other eating disorders like anorexia -- the best time to intervene is as soon as you suspect a problem and before it gets to anything diagnosable. It is easier to help a 6 year old not be a severe picky eater than a 12 year old, for sure.

It’s nice to hear from someone who has been there. My child also has ARFID and I so agree with everything you wrote. I remember reading a book that said something along the lines of - just think if someone was trying to get you to eat a cup of your own vomit. No bribe or threat in the world is going to make you able to do that, but it will make you feel anxious and bad about yourself. For kids with a true clinical issue that is exactly what trying to push some non-preferred foods is like. My child would literally throw up if pressured too much.

Keep offering your kids slightly different versions of their favorite food and take it from there with love and understanding. If they will eat sweets bake together and make healthy cookies- anything to make food something you enjoy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t hit my kids or support hitting any kid, but this makes parenting way more work in a multitude of ways. I really liked The Secret of Parenting for general advice, not eating advice.

My kids are incredibly picky because food is always plentiful and available to them. They can just wait for the next preferred food. Mine are at a healthy weight because I’m careful to avoid buying junk, but it’s no surprise Americans (of all ages) are heavy.

I’m the pp with the 10yo picky eater. Not all children are picky for the same reason. I’m glad yours are at a healthy weight but my child weighed 33 pounds at age 5. We were not offering her junk but did give ice cream every other day for the fat and calories. She still needed a lot of help to reach a healthy weight. It’s easy to blame parents and kids in this situation but often it’s nobody’s fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t hit my kids or support hitting any kid, but this makes parenting way more work in a multitude of ways. I really liked The Secret of Parenting for general advice, not eating advice.

My kids are incredibly picky because food is always plentiful and available to them. They can just wait for the next preferred food. Mine are at a healthy weight because I’m careful to avoid buying junk, but it’s no surprise Americans (of all ages) are heavy.

I’m the pp with the 10yo picky eater. Not all children are picky for the same reason. I’m glad yours are at a healthy weight but my child weighed 33 pounds at age 5. We were not offering her junk but did give ice cream every other day for the fat and calories. She still needed a lot of help to reach a healthy weight. It’s easy to blame parents and kids in this situation but often it’s nobody’s fault.

I didn’t mean to imply that it’s anyones fault! It’s definitely not IMO. It’s just a function of changing societal expectations for parents. I hate parent blaming on here so I’m sorry if my post came off that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t hit my kids or support hitting any kid, but this makes parenting way more work in a multitude of ways. I really liked The Secret of Parenting for general advice, not eating advice.

My kids are incredibly picky because food is always plentiful and available to them. They can just wait for the next preferred food. Mine are at a healthy weight because I’m careful to avoid buying junk, but it’s no surprise Americans (of all ages) are heavy.

I’m the pp with the 10yo picky eater. Not all children are picky for the same reason. I’m glad yours are at a healthy weight but my child weighed 33 pounds at age 5. We were not offering her junk but did give ice cream every other day for the fat and calories. She still needed a lot of help to reach a healthy weight. It’s easy to blame parents and kids in this situation but often it’s nobody’s fault.

I didn’t mean to imply that it’s anyones fault! It’s definitely not IMO. It’s just a function of changing societal expectations for parents. I hate parent blaming on here so I’m sorry if my post came off that way.

Thank you pp that is nice of you to say! And your initial post is a good reminder that kids are picky for different reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spend hours each week planning, shopping, cooking, and preparing 90% of our family’s meals and my six year old is driving me up the wall. He refuses, unless coerced (“three bites of all new foods” “clean plate club or no screens after dinner” etc), to try any new foods. We spent years playing it cool, putting it on his plate and telling him he didn’t have to try it if he didn’t want to, etc and it did absolutely nothing. Everything he tastes he says he doesn’t like, and 50% of the time he gags when he is coerced into trying it. He will not try basic things—even sweet things, like cake or toast with jam or a different flavor of muffin! Foods he does like are rejected if they are cut in a different shape. He will not eat ANY convenience foods—yogurt, pizza, mac n cheese, quesadillas, chicken nuggets, nothing. I am just so frustrated by the unwillingness to TRY and the immediate rejection of everything after tasting it, without even thinking of whether or not it could potentially taste good.
I’m not very sure if I’m looking for advice, I just need to rant. Most resources for picky eating are for toddlers, and playing little games or cutting things into fun shapes is not going to convince a six year old.

No big advice, just hugs and sympathy. We are an ethnic family with spicy and saucy cooking habits. We have three kids. The oldest and youngest will eat anything you put in front of them. The middle one is PICKY. Nothing with sauce, no tomato sauce, NO BEANS of any kind, only plain unseasoned unsauced food. No burgers. It's beyond inconvenient. I've learned to just roll with it, picking the least unhealthy option she will eat. So it may be grilled chicken, plain rice and boiled broccoli or green beans, and I tell myself that if she eats a little bit of each of that on her plate, it's going to be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s hungry he will eat. Seriously. When he’s hungry enough he will eat.

That doesn't solve anything though. My 10 year is more than willing to skip dinner knowing that preferred foods will be available for breakfast and lunch. She's fine with just those two meals.

My husband said when he was a kid if he refused dinner, they would serve it for breakfast. And if he refused it for breakfast, he would get it for lunch.
Not saying you should do this, but what would happen if breakfast also wasn't a preferred food?

My normal picky eater is a very strong willed human being. When she was younger she would wake up in the middle of the night with a stomach ache from being too hungry, and now as an elementary student gets HANGRY and very irritable when she skips too many meals. It's a balance between not catering to her pickiness and not letting her get so hungry she can't function effectively at school and home.

OP, for us it was a combination of control and fear. Letting her be in control (i.e., not forcing or threatening) helped her overcome the fear and convince herself she could try the thing she was rejecting. We talked a lot about food being energy and fuel, and needing to eat different kinds of foods to help different parts of your body grow. We also worked on making the connection between how when she let her body get too hungry, it made her brain feel bad too. She is not an adventurous eater by any means, but it did get us to the point where she would eat different shapes or versions of the same foods. If yours won't try cakes and treats, then I think you have to work on the mental block that's holding them back. Kids Eat in Color or Satter will just have them eating the same familiar foods for years until they grow out of it.

[Anonymous]

Mine is 11 and I'm still dealing with this. My 9 year old will eat (or at least try) almost anything but my 11yo would eat the same three meals every day and be perfectly fine. Here's what I've realized. He truly doesn't mind eating the same things over and over because food is just a way to survive to him. My 9yo loves to try new things and savors his meals because he truly enjoys food. But my 11yo does not care what he is eating as long as it's familiar and will get the job done.

So I've stopped worrying about it. I still try to get him to try things but if he doesn't, whatever. I get more frustrated that I feel limited in what I can cook for the rest of us but what I've started doing is cooking those "new" recipes when I know there are leftovers for DS11 to eat. My biggest issue with him is vegetables so I've learned ways to sneak that in but he will usually eat raw carrots so that's our go to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spend hours each week planning, shopping, cooking, and preparing 90% of our family’s meals and my six year old is driving me up the wall. He refuses, unless coerced (“three bites of all new foods” “clean plate club or no screens after dinner” etc), to try any new foods. We spent years playing it cool, putting it on his plate and telling him he didn’t have to try it if he didn’t want to, etc and it did absolutely nothing. Everything he tastes he says he doesn’t like, and 50% of the time he gags when he is coerced into trying it. He will not try basic things—even sweet things, like cake or toast with jam or a different flavor of muffin! Foods he does like are rejected if they are cut in a different shape. He will not eat ANY convenience foods—yogurt, pizza, mac n cheese, quesadillas, chicken nuggets, nothing. I am just so frustrated by the unwillingness to TRY and the immediate rejection of everything after tasting it, without even thinking of whether or not it could potentially taste good.
I’m not very sure if I’m looking for advice, I just need to rant. Most resources for picky eating are for toddlers, and playing little games or cutting things into fun shapes is not going to convince a six year old.

I posted earlier but meant to say, think about what he is learning when you force him to eat something and he gags? It’s re-enforcing the idea that trying new food is disgusting and scary. I promise you that level of pressure is backfiring - it’s why he’s scared to try even things that should be very easy like cake. If you really want to work on this you should talk to a professional and come up with a plan that works for your specific kid who is really struggling with this. Otherwise take the pressure off of both of you (unless he’s severely under weight) for a little and reassess. Forcing kids like this really backfires.

For my child we started with different brands of favorite foods. Like can we find a couple vanilla yogurts you like? Let’s do a yogurt tasting and see if we can even tell them apart! That sort of thing. And note in a positive way anything they try that is slightly different, even like oh I over cooked this and you still ate it great job!

[Anonymous]

Have you looked into this being a sensory issue? Does your kid have any other sensory or attention issues? Not trying to make this something it isn't, but for us, eating was a sensory issue for our DS.

If that is the case, the only thing that will help is OT. I would talk with your ped about this. I do not think the "try three bites" approach is going to work or is recommended. If he is gagging, this is making it worse. He is feeling pressured into eating and is going to be less likely to like it anyway. What interests me is that you say he is sensitive to shapes and will not eat packaged food (for us, it is the opposite -- ours only wanted store-bought, packaged food). This is a flag for me that perhaps there is something else going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re previous generations this kick about food? What did they do differently and were there methods successful?

I’m the mom of the recovered ARFID kid. My younger brother (fourth out of five kids) was a severe picky eater. Still today as a 40-something he is a severe picky eater. The rest of us kids eat normally and my mom was a great cook.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn't eat, he doesn't eat.

If he doesn't clean his plate, oh well. If he eats 3 bites and that's it, well, that's it.

He will eat when he's hungry. He's not going to starve!

Set a no snacks rule. Only offer a glass of milk after dinner if complains he's hungry.

Don't allow any snacks after 2 or 3 PM, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't eat, he doesn't eat.

If he doesn't clean his plate, oh well. If he eats 3 bites and that's it, well, that's it.

He will eat when he's hungry. He's not going to starve!

Set a no snacks rule. Only offer a glass of milk after dinner if complains he's hungry.

Don't allow any snacks after 2 or 3 PM, either.

The bolded is extremely effective, in my experience.

In the book "Bringing Up Bebe," they describe how French children are much more varied eaters than kids are here and part of it is their snacking is very limited, so they are hungrier at dinnertime. I banned the afterschool snack in my house (went to playground instead, partly as a distraction) and suddenly my DD will try all vegetables.

[Anonymous]

OP, if he's gagging that much, this isn't just being stubborn.

Don't frame eating habits in terms of morality and being a good person, even subconsciously .

I would just...let it go. Don't try to force them to clean his plate, don't get mad at him. If he doesn't like new foods and gags. Even in your head. Just let it go. Eating does not have to be this kind of a battle. You're not a good or a bad parent if your kid is picky and he's not a good or a bad kid because he is.

Many picky eaters will grow out of it as they age.
But it becomes harder. It becomes a battle of wills in a control issue. Everybody will be happier if you just let it go and let him eat he likes.

You are looking at this in a very narrow way about how much time you spend meal planning. Meal plan for the people who will eat and throw some fruit or crackers or whatever. He will eat on his plate along with a normal meal and then just ignore him if he doesn't eat the new food