tactful way to clue friends into our financial situation?

[Anonymous]

While I think we might be the high earners in our group, we still watch what we spend. A friend/neighbor asked us to join them for spring break. She's the type who feels rejected easily and I know this. So, my response was honest. We'd love to join but we've already maxed out our travel budget for the year. We have x trips planned and that's all we can do. If they're close friends, I don't see the point of not being open-ish about it.

[Anonymous]

I would just say “wow that camp sounds awesome! Unfortunately it’s just a little too pricey for our budget.” And stuff like that. Keep inviting them to your house so they know you are no avoiding them/slow fading.

[Anonymous]

Bringing up “ too expensive for your budget” can make others feel obligated to cover some of the expenses/sounds like you are phishing for them to do that- even if you aren’t. Or, it can make others feel like you find their spending to be frivolous. It just doesn’t sound like or helpful to talk about your money or lack there of.

[Anonymous]

Start driving a pickup truck. Apparently it is suspicious

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1032011.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bringing up “ too expensive for your budget” can make others feel obligated to cover some of the expenses/sounds like you are phishing for them to do that- even if you aren’t. Or, it can make others feel like you find their spending to be frivolous. It just doesn’t sound like or helpful to talk about your money or lack there of.

I completely disagree. Someone has said that to me before and I appreciated knowing that they weren't just turning something down because they didn't like us. It made me be more attentive about "reading the room," too, and making sure that social interactions with the group weren't too heavily waited to pricey things to avoid her or someone else feeling left out or pressured to spent more than their means.

[Anonymous]

*weighted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bringing up “ too expensive for your budget” can make others feel obligated to cover some of the expenses/sounds like you are phishing for them to do that- even if you aren’t. Or, it can make others feel like you find their spending to be frivolous. It just doesn’t sound like or helpful to talk about your money or lack there of.

I completely disagree. Someone has said that to me before and I appreciated knowing that they weren't just turning something down because they didn't like us. It made me be more attentive about "reading the room," too, and making sure that social interactions with the group weren't too heavily waited to pricey things to avoid her or someone else feeling left out or pressured to spent more than their means.

Agree. I don't feel obligated at all in these cases, and it's helpful to know what to propose to whom, in terms of cost. I'm happy to treat people if I know cost is an issue and it's not for us in a given case, but I appreciate the candor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand— if you can’t make it why is the reason you can’t make it relevant?

If you want to be sure to continue seeing them then I would try to find low cost opportunities for that— free concerts, neighborhood book club, outside drinks and snacks.

Because they would like to be included for lower cost activities, but not for higher cost activities. Many people/hosts will think that if you decline multiple offers, that you aren't interested. They are interested, but just for those things they can afford.

OP--I would say that you don't have much budget for eating out, but if they are doing something at home, that you would love to join them. This gets the point across that you have a budget for eating out but you are still interested in other activities. And it doesn't mention why you have a budget for eating out, whether that is lower income, fixed outside costs or whatever. I have one friend who pays a fortune for her mother's senior facility and another who is paying much of his salary to childcare for his children from his first marriage. Both of them have limited budget for things like eating out, but still want to socialize. So we include these friends on lower cost activities but we don't include them for higher cost activities.

[Anonymous]

For bigger ticket things/events like camps and vacations, I think it's fine to mention budget. I'm very used to budget/cost being a big talking point around camp and activities so it doesn't seem out of place for someone to chime in along those lines.

For more casual things like dinner, I wouldn't mention budget, that feels a little more awkward. But it sounds like you are extending invites on your own for these kinds of get togethers, so I don't think you have to worry about coming across as disinterested in the group.

[Anonymous]

I feel like our HHI is really similar to our close friends and I would absolutely say something like that camp is too expensive for us this summer or we can’t make a beach trip b/c we are trying to be more frugal this summer. I think when it comes to vacations and kids activities, there is soooo much out there that nobody can do it all or afford it all. People understand you have to pick the activities and trips that make sense. I am SAHM and I am cheaper with camp than my friends who work…no big deal. We pay for private school and have a substantially smaller vacation budget than everyone else and have missed out on group trips. It is what it is. People know we aren’t coming b/c we can’t afford it and thats ok.

I’d be more cautious with turning down outings with the adults and probably try to come to one every once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had people say things like "we don't have room in our budget for more extracurriculars this season," or "we're limiting going out to eat for budget reasons, but would you like to come by for hot chocolate after dinner or do a hike next weekend?

I've had to say "our travel budget is limited this year, so we're doing a staycation for spring break. Thanks for the invitation and can't wait to hear about it!"

If you just declined I'd think you didn't like us or want to hang out.

If anyone judges you for having a smaller budget, well, they might not be the nicest people. Their loss.

This. I think saying “not this time” over and over does not solve your problem. Since you want them to include you when it works, it’s worth finding a way to allude to the cost barrier once or twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand— if you can’t make it why is the reason you can’t make it relevant?

If you want to be sure to continue seeing them then I would try to find low cost opportunities for that— free concerts, neighborhood book club, outside drinks and snacks.

Not OP but I would want neighbors to be aware of reason I was always declining. Would not want them to think I was not interested in the friendship.