tactful way to clue friends into our financial situation?

[Anonymous]

We live in a modest house in a very nice neighborhood, and have become quite tight with our neighbors. We love hanging out with the parents, and the kids all get along beautifully. In Covid, we bubbled up with them and hung out frequently- Lots of backyard hangouts and happy hours on people's decks. I would estimate our HHI to be approximately 1/4 of what everyone else's is- just based on their homes, careers and spending habits. Since things have started opening up, we have noticed that the other families appear to be signing up for activities, lessons and camps left and right. They are also frequently booking weekend getaways and planning dinners out. We are always invited and included but often have to decline due to cost. I am worried that at a certain point, they will just stop including us. Is there a tactful way to site cost as the reason why? I don't want them to think we aren't interested in being included!

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand— if you can’t make it why is the reason you can’t make it relevant?

If you want to be sure to continue seeing them then I would try to find low cost opportunities for that— free concerts, neighborhood book club, outside drinks and snacks.

[Anonymous]

No that is awkward. I mean I suppose you could make a very vague statement about cutting costs lately but I wouldn't say anything more than that.

Just be gracious in your declines and issue your own invites for low-cost get-togethers.

[Anonymous]

Make an invite yourself with something you are comfortable with- a backyard pizza party or bowling or whatever. That way they see you still want to be involved, but you get to pick an activity that you are financially okay with.

[Anonymous]

I would make sure you continue to invite people for things that you can afford- "come over for beer and smores on the bonfire!", backyard BBQs etc. That way they know you're still interested in being friends even if you don't want to go out to eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand— if you can’t make it why is the reason you can’t make it relevant?

If you want to be sure to continue seeing them then I would try to find low cost opportunities for that— free concerts, neighborhood book club, outside drinks and snacks.

I usually just say "Sounds so fun. We will have to pass this time." Don't you think after 4 or 5 responses like that, they might just stop asking?

We host at our house regularly, and we also have the kids over for playdates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make sure you continue to invite people for things that you can afford- "come over for beer and smores on the bonfire!", backyard BBQs etc. That way they know you're still interested in being friends even if you don't want to go out to eat.

Yep, what was said above. I might tell one couple we're closest to "Those kinds of dinners out are outside of our price range, but we'd love to have you over for ....." Because if you mention something on the lower end like not being able to afford a dinner they'll (hopefully) understand obviously you can't afford a weekend getaway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand— if you can’t make it why is the reason you can’t make it relevant?

If you want to be sure to continue seeing them then I would try to find low cost opportunities for that— free concerts, neighborhood book club, outside drinks and snacks.

I usually just say "Sounds so fun. We will have to pass this time." Don't you think after 4 or 5 responses like that, they might just stop asking?

We host at our house regularly, and we also have the kids over for playdates.

I find that statement kind of odd. I'd go with something like "We'd love to join but can't make it this time. Thanks for inviting us though!"

[Anonymous]

You're overthinking it. If you often decline but not always, I wouldn't worry about it. It would be more weird for them if they are always thinking about the cost when considering whether to invite you. As others have said, send your own invites with options that work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand— if you can’t make it why is the reason you can’t make it relevant?

If you want to be sure to continue seeing them then I would try to find low cost opportunities for that— free concerts, neighborhood book club, outside drinks and snacks.

I usually just say "Sounds so fun. We will have to pass this time." Don't you think after 4 or 5 responses like that, they might just stop asking?

We host at our house regularly, and we also have the kids over for playdates.

You can say that you wish you could join them but it won't fit into your budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No that is awkward. I mean I suppose you could make a very vague statement about cutting costs lately but I wouldn't say anything more than that.

Just be gracious in your declines and issue your own invites for low-cost get-togethers.

This. Stay in the loop by organizing activities and inviting those folks to them.

[Anonymous]

I've had people say things like "we don't have room in our budget for more extracurriculars this season," or "we're limiting going out to eat for budget reasons, but would you like to come by for hot chocolate after dinner or do a hike next weekend?

I've had to say "our travel budget is limited this year, so we're doing a staycation for spring break. Thanks for the invitation and can't wait to hear about it!"

If you just declined I'd think you didn't like us or want to hang out.

If anyone judges you for having a smaller budget, well, they might not be the nicest people. Their loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had people say things like "we don't have room in our budget for more extracurriculars this season," or "we're limiting going out to eat for budget reasons, but would you like to come by for hot chocolate after dinner or do a hike next weekend?

I've had to say "our travel budget is limited this year, so we're doing a staycation for spring break. Thanks for the invitation and can't wait to hear about it!"

If you just declined I'd think you didn't like us or want to hang out.

If anyone judges you for having a smaller budget, well, they might not be the nicest people. Their loss.

OP here- thanks for this. I definitely think that if they know, they will be super gracious about it. Especially when it comes to all of the camps and sports for the kids. We aren't in a position to send our kids to several multi-hundred dollar a week day camps AND play on more than one sports team in a season.

[Anonymous]

I’m going through a divorce and have had to scale back on a hobby that’s kind of expensive and that l have great friends through. I let my best hobby friend know that l need to be frugal for a while and she still invites me to everything knowing l can’t come as often as l used to, but it’s not because l don’t want to. I think you should tell them to still invite you to everything but you’ll have to say no to some thing due to budget, not because you don’t want to come.

And yes keep inviting them for budget friendly stuff and maybe they will do the same, once they have awareness of your situation. Hobby friend and l just meet up for a walk now sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had people say things like "we don't have room in our budget for more extracurriculars this season," or "we're limiting going out to eat for budget reasons, but would you like to come by for hot chocolate after dinner or do a hike next weekend?

I've had to say "our travel budget is limited this year, so we're doing a staycation for spring break. Thanks for the invitation and can't wait to hear about it!"

If you just declined I'd think you didn't like us or want to hang out.

If anyone judges you for having a smaller budget, well, they might not be the nicest people. Their loss.

These are good! I would definitely clue them in gently and provide Cost effective alternatives. I’m very paranoid about continuing to invite people who turn me down more than once / I just hate being pushy. So would find it helpful to know things that would work rather than feeling rejected