Husband's Depression is Ruining our Relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/male-depression/art-20046216

OP you may find NAMI a source of info and support.

His depression is not being adequately addressed by his current approach. Irritability is a very common sign of depression in men and he is describing feelings of depression. It needs to be brought up with his doctor, often meds need to be tweaked or changed. His therapist does not sound like that approach is helping.

How is his work life? Do you work? If you do, focus on keeping a stable career for yourself.

Thanks. He enjoys his work.

I work a lot and have a good career. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to manage against my home life.

I also work many hours so he is the primary parent.

What?

I am sorry, but from what you have described you have a spouse in a major mental health crisis who is verbally and borderline physically abusive and HE's the primary parent of the toddler?

If he had cancer, a heart attack, or a major accident with trauma you would take time off to deal with his care and recovery. It sounds like you need to do that here even if it affects your career. I disagree with the PP. this isn't forgetting to take Larla to a sports practice. Your home sounds like a war zone and he retreats into violent video games every night, which there's been plenty of research on, and none of it good for depression.

This whole situation is just messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/male-depression/art-20046216

OP you may find NAMI a source of info and support.

His depression is not being adequately addressed by his current approach. Irritability is a very common sign of depression in men and he is describing feelings of depression. It needs to be brought up with his doctor, often meds need to be tweaked or changed. His therapist does not sound like that approach is helping.

How is his work life? Do you work? If you do, focus on keeping a stable career for yourself.

Thanks. He enjoys his work.

I work a lot and have a good career. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to manage against my home life.

I also work many hours so he is the primary parent.

What?

I am sorry, but from what you have described you have a spouse in a major mental health crisis who is verbally and borderline physically abusive and HE's the primary parent of the toddler?

If he had cancer, a heart attack, or a major accident with trauma you would take time off to deal with his care and recovery. It sounds like you need to do that here even if it affects your career. I disagree with the PP. this isn't forgetting to take Larla to a sports practice. Your home sounds like a war zone and he retreats into violent video games every night, which there's been plenty of research on, and none of it good for depression.

This whole situation is just messed up.

This. OP, I say this gently. You seem a little in denial about how serious this situation is right now. It's dangerous for everyone involved, including your DH. If he had actually hurt you (or the baby) when throwing something at you, how do you think he would feel for the rest of his life? This isn't a minor thing. Maybe changing meds will help, but most likely it'll take time. And you will need time to heal from how you've been treated. You must know this isn't right and not something to model for your kid.

Please don't downplay what's happening here. There are blinking red lights and sirens. Your family is in crisis, and you need a lot more help than you are currently getting.

[Anonymous]

Get a nanny, stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a nanny, stat.

We do have a nanny. I just mean pre and after care. My husband has better hours than I do so he normally takes over from the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/male-depression/art-20046216

OP you may find NAMI a source of info and support.

His depression is not being adequately addressed by his current approach. Irritability is a very common sign of depression in men and he is describing feelings of depression. It needs to be brought up with his doctor, often meds need to be tweaked or changed. His therapist does not sound like that approach is helping.

How is his work life? Do you work? If you do, focus on keeping a stable career for yourself.

Thanks. He enjoys his work.

I work a lot and have a good career. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to manage against my home life.

I also work many hours so he is the primary parent.

What?

I am sorry, but from what you have described you have a spouse in a major mental health crisis who is verbally and borderline physically abusive and HE's the primary parent of the toddler?

If he had cancer, a heart attack, or a major accident with trauma you would take time off to deal with his care and recovery. It sounds like you need to do that here even if it affects your career. I disagree with the PP. this isn't forgetting to take Larla to a sports practice. Your home sounds like a war zone and he retreats into violent video games every night, which there's been plenty of research on, and none of it good for depression.

This whole situation is just messed up.

This. OP, I say this gently. You seem a little in denial about how serious this situation is right now. It's dangerous for everyone involved, including your DH. If he had actually hurt you (or the baby) when throwing something at you, how do you think he would feel for the rest of his life? This isn't a minor thing. Maybe changing meds will help, but most likely it'll take time. And you will need time to heal from how you've been treated. You must know this isn't right and not something to model for your kid.

Please don't downplay what's happening here. There are blinking red lights and sirens. Your family is in crisis, and you need a lot more help than you are currently getting.

I am not downplaying. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes he is remorseful sometimes he’s just angry at me.

This disease has taken over his mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/male-depression/art-20046216

OP you may find NAMI a source of info and support.

His depression is not being adequately addressed by his current approach. Irritability is a very common sign of depression in men and he is describing feelings of depression. It needs to be brought up with his doctor, often meds need to be tweaked or changed. His therapist does not sound like that approach is helping.

How is his work life? Do you work? If you do, focus on keeping a stable career for yourself.

Thanks. He enjoys his work.

I work a lot and have a good career. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to manage against my home life.

I also work many hours so he is the primary parent.

What?

I am sorry, but from what you have described you have a spouse in a major mental health crisis who is verbally and borderline physically abusive and HE's the primary parent of the toddler?

If he had cancer, a heart attack, or a major accident with trauma you would take time off to deal with his care and recovery. It sounds like you need to do that here even if it affects your career. I disagree with the PP. this isn't forgetting to take Larla to a sports practice. Your home sounds like a war zone and he retreats into violent video games every night, which there's been plenty of research on, and none of it good for depression.

This whole situation is just messed up.

It’s a tricky situation. If this does not work out, my job is more important than ever for the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/male-depression/art-20046216

OP you may find NAMI a source of info and support.

His depression is not being adequately addressed by his current approach. Irritability is a very common sign of depression in men and he is describing feelings of depression. It needs to be brought up with his doctor, often meds need to be tweaked or changed. His therapist does not sound like that approach is helping.

How is his work life? Do you work? If you do, focus on keeping a stable career for yourself.

Thanks. He enjoys his work.

I work a lot and have a good career. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to manage against my home life.

I also work many hours so he is the primary parent.

What?

I am sorry, but from what you have described you have a spouse in a major mental health crisis who is verbally and borderline physically abusive and HE's the primary parent of the toddler?

If he had cancer, a heart attack, or a major accident with trauma you would take time off to deal with his care and recovery. It sounds like you need to do that here even if it affects your career. I disagree with the PP. this isn't forgetting to take Larla to a sports practice. Your home sounds like a war zone and he retreats into violent video games every night, which there's been plenty of research on, and none of it good for depression.

This whole situation is just messed up.

It’s a tricky situation. If this does not work out, my job is more important than ever for the baby.

Well, yes, but most jobs have leave, FMLA, EAP, etc. I'm advocating you use them to take some time off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/male-depression/art-20046216

OP you may find NAMI a source of info and support.

His depression is not being adequately addressed by his current approach. Irritability is a very common sign of depression in men and he is describing feelings of depression. It needs to be brought up with his doctor, often meds need to be tweaked or changed. His therapist does not sound like that approach is helping.

How is his work life? Do you work? If you do, focus on keeping a stable career for yourself.

Thanks. He enjoys his work.

I work a lot and have a good career. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to manage against my home life.

I also work many hours so he is the primary parent.

What?

I am sorry, but from what you have described you have a spouse in a major mental health crisis who is verbally and borderline physically abusive and HE's the primary parent of the toddler?

If he had cancer, a heart attack, or a major accident with trauma you would take time off to deal with his care and recovery. It sounds like you need to do that here even if it affects your career. I disagree with the PP. this isn't forgetting to take Larla to a sports practice. Your home sounds like a war zone and he retreats into violent video games every night, which there's been plenty of research on, and none of it good for depression.

This whole situation is just messed up.

This. OP, I say this gently. You seem a little in denial about how serious this situation is right now. It's dangerous for everyone involved, including your DH. If he had actually hurt you (or the baby) when throwing something at you, how do you think he would feel for the rest of his life? This isn't a minor thing. Maybe changing meds will help, but most likely it'll take time. And you will need time to heal from how you've been treated. You must know this isn't right and not something to model for your kid.

Please don't downplay what's happening here. There are blinking red lights and sirens. Your family is in crisis, and you need a lot more help than you are currently getting.

I am not downplaying. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes he is remorseful sometimes he’s just angry at me.

This disease has taken over his mind.

My point is that your first order of business is how to ensure that you and your toddler are safe, not how to treat his disease. That might mean asking him to move out until he has it under control. And it also means he should not be in charge of caring for the child alone. He is being violent. It is not safe to be in a home with a person who is violent. His remorse is irrelevant if he is continuing to be violent upon occasion.

[Anonymous]

He needs to get rid of the violent video games and probably all internet surfing and cell phone scrolling. This has a serious negative effect on some brains. If he really wants to improve, beg him to give it a try for a couple weeks, and find some more natural hobbies to engage in. Can’t hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to get rid of the violent video games and probably all internet surfing and cell phone scrolling. This has a serious negative effect on some brains. If he really wants to improve, beg him to give it a try for a couple weeks, and find some more natural hobbies to engage in. Can’t hurt.

I tried. He does not want to. He also spoke with his therapist and his therapist told him to preserve his independence and that I cannot control his free time. Then he said I am free to divorce if I don't like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/male-depression/art-20046216

OP you may find NAMI a source of info and support.

His depression is not being adequately addressed by his current approach. Irritability is a very common sign of depression in men and he is describing feelings of depression. It needs to be brought up with his doctor, often meds need to be tweaked or changed. His therapist does not sound like that approach is helping.

How is his work life? Do you work? If you do, focus on keeping a stable career for yourself.

Thanks. He enjoys his work.

I work a lot and have a good career. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to manage against my home life.

I also work many hours so he is the primary parent.

What?

I am sorry, but from what you have described you have a spouse in a major mental health crisis who is verbally and borderline physically abusive and HE's the primary parent of the toddler?

If he had cancer, a heart attack, or a major accident with trauma you would take time off to deal with his care and recovery. It sounds like you need to do that here even if it affects your career. I disagree with the PP. this isn't forgetting to take Larla to a sports practice. Your home sounds like a war zone and he retreats into violent video games every night, which there's been plenty of research on, and none of it good for depression.

This whole situation is just messed up.

This. OP, I say this gently. You seem a little in denial about how serious this situation is right now. It's dangerous for everyone involved, including your DH. If he had actually hurt you (or the baby) when throwing something at you, how do you think he would feel for the rest of his life? This isn't a minor thing. Maybe changing meds will help, but most likely it'll take time. And you will need time to heal from how you've been treated. You must know this isn't right and not something to model for your kid.

Please don't downplay what's happening here. There are blinking red lights and sirens. Your family is in crisis, and you need a lot more help than you are currently getting.

To clarify, he has only thrown objects at me a few times during bad fights where I was also nagging him - like he wanted to watch TV and I wanted to discuss chores that need to be done. In these cases, he gets really mad and calls me names, throws stuff at me, or mocks me. It's not like I am sitting on the couch and he starts doing that of the blue. Clearly, I also upset him during these times. He has not done it in the presence of the toddler. He just has the smallest tolerance for anything that is slightly annoying and sees everything as a war due to his bad mood.

[Anonymous]

Stop making excuses, rationalizing. This is a dangerous, abusive situation. Please. Why would you want to stay with this man? And I say this as a person married to someone with major depression. Leave! You are financially able to do it. Yes, custody issues with him will be a nightmare, but at least you will be free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop making excuses, rationalizing. This is a dangerous, abusive situation. Please. Why would you want to stay with this man? And I say this as a person married to someone with major depression. Leave! You are financially able to do it. Yes, custody issues with him will be a nightmare, but at least you will be free.

Do not understate coparenting with an abusive narcissist until the kid is 18yo and beyond. Post separation abuse is real — by him, the courts and even the community. Be ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/male-depression/art-20046216

OP you may find NAMI a source of info and support.

His depression is not being adequately addressed by his current approach. Irritability is a very common sign of depression in men and he is describing feelings of depression. It needs to be brought up with his doctor, often meds need to be tweaked or changed. His therapist does not sound like that approach is helping.

How is his work life? Do you work? If you do, focus on keeping a stable career for yourself.

Thanks. He enjoys his work.

I work a lot and have a good career. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to manage against my home life.

I also work many hours so he is the primary parent.

What?

I am sorry, but from what you have described you have a spouse in a major mental health crisis who is verbally and borderline physically abusive and HE's the primary parent of the toddler?

If he had cancer, a heart attack, or a major accident with trauma you would take time off to deal with his care and recovery. It sounds like you need to do that here even if it affects your career. I disagree with the PP. this isn't forgetting to take Larla to a sports practice. Your home sounds like a war zone and he retreats into violent video games every night, which there's been plenty of research on, and none of it good for depression.

This whole situation is just messed up.

This. OP, I say this gently. You seem a little in denial about how serious this situation is right now. It's dangerous for everyone involved, including your DH. If he had actually hurt you (or the baby) when throwing something at you, how do you think he would feel for the rest of his life? This isn't a minor thing. Maybe changing meds will help, but most likely it'll take time. And you will need time to heal from how you've been treated. You must know this isn't right and not something to model for your kid.

Please don't downplay what's happening here. There are blinking red lights and sirens. Your family is in crisis, and you need a lot more help than you are currently getting.

To clarify, he has only thrown objects at me a few times during bad fights where I was also nagging him - like he wanted to watch TV and I wanted to discuss chores that need to be done. In these cases, he gets really mad and calls me names, throws stuff at me, or mocks me. It's not like I am sitting on the couch and he starts doing that of the blue. Clearly, I also upset him during these times. He has not done it in the presence of the toddler. He just has the smallest tolerance for anything that is slightly annoying and sees everything as a war due to his bad mood.

New poster. OP, please re-read your OWN comment in the bold immediately above.

This will get FAR worse as your child gets into the "No!" stage, resists what the adult wants her to do, begins to assert independence in any way. Your DH will start being angry with your child being "annoying" (when your child will only be acting like a typical very young child.) You need to act now, not soon.

Also in the bold above "He sees everything as a war due to his bad mood."

No. It's not a "mood," it's a serious illness. Because it's a mental illness, it manifests as behaviors, which we view as a "mood." But it's not mere moodiness. This is why several PPs above are trying to impress on you that you need to see this as a grave, potentially life-threatening illness, not a guy who is in a bad mood and playing too many video games. This is why PPs are saying, as I came here to say, that you need to use whatever medical/family leave you can --just as if he had cancer or a heart attack.

You have mentioned that he has a therapist who has told him to "maintain independence." So you feel you can't tell him to dump video games. I think you and he might need to get some intensive help other than this therapist. Your DH might only be telling you what he wants you to hear and pretending the therapist is on his side, so to speak.

If you just divorce your DH with depression is going to get at least partial custody of your young child and, again, your child will become "annoying" to him very soon. Unless you want to risk your child's safety, not to mention your child's relationship with dad forever -- you need to accept that DH is sick and unable to see or understand how sick he is. You need to treat this as an emergency health situation. You need to reach out immediately, today, and get a ton of outside help. That does not just mean help caring for your child when the nanny is not on duty though you'll need that too. You need help getting your DH a medical intervention ASAP. His meds aren't working, his therapist might not be realizing how seriously depressed and angry he is, and you keep reverting to how you can't do much. Well, you can't, not unless you listen to the PPs above. DH doesn't want further help but only feels angry etc. You'll have to get outside help to help you intervene.

I wish I had a road map to guide you on steps but others here might. At the very least, does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program? An EAP should be something you can call today and say confidentially your DH is in a mental health crisis and you need immediate help. The EAP is not the same as the employer--whatever you do through the EAP will be confidential.

But yes, you might need to take time off not just now but at other points, to deal with this. This is why leave exists. We get that you have the better job and need to keep it in case you're a solo parent, but if you have any desire at all to help your DH and to stay married to find the guy you once loved again -- you need to act like this is a health crisis, not a "relationship crisis."

[Anonymous]

I've had medication resistant depression since I was a teenager. I have never thrown anything at anyone or even raised my voice.
It sounds like he's a shitty person who just happens to be depressed.