Husband's Depression is Ruining our Relationship

[Anonymous]

My husband suffers from depression. He had episodes in the past but the pandemic has prompted what has been the worst depression of his life. We also have a toddler born during the pandemic. His depression manifests through extreme anger at times - he is almost always highly irritable with me and we had a few big fights where he threw objects at me, called me terrible names and called for divorce. He started taking medication but it's not working. I became structurally upset with him due to his anger and as such, my resentment is obvious and this is leading to a permanent state of tension. Some days he is feeling better, other days, he is always snappish with me and anything can set off a huge fight. He started speaking with a therapist - I was hoping that would help him but since he started therapy he brings up a divorce more frequently b/c I think he obviously vents about me and I am not perfect but he probably takes it ad litteram. He told me he only sees darkness, he no longer feels remorse or love other than for the baby. Intellectually he know he loves me, and he feels bad if he throws stuff at me or calls me names but emotionally he said, he just sees darkness. He is a great father. He is a great guy. I could have never imagined that depression can ruin him and us. Any solutions out there? Please.

[Anonymous]

If he throws stuff at you, he’s not a “great guy” or a “great father.” Point blank period.

You need to leave.

[Anonymous]

The meds need to be adjusted. It’s really hard. He needs to go back to whoever is prescribing them. It may take a few more adjustments.

Is he exercising regularly? That can also help, but not if it’s not done.

I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Extreme anger, big fights and thrown objects are not safe for you or your toddler. I agree that a separation is in order, at least until your husband gets the therapy and meds he needs. I'm sorry, OP. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

What is structurally upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he throws stuff at you, he’s not a “great guy” or a “great father.” Point blank period.

You need to leave.

He is. It all started with his depression.

I am also very short-tempered and we had fights in the past too.

But this is different.

He sees darkness all around him and sees this sensation of falling. And sometimes he gets intermittent explosive anger.

With the baby, he is great.

Of course, I worry if he will show this to the baby as well when he becomes a grown kid and he starts creating probems of sorts. In that case, I would leave him.

But until then, I want to see if he he heals.

We have been together for 10 years.

This is over the past 6 months.

I can't leave someone right away when they got a disease if I think the rest was extraordinary.

Sure, this should not continue for the next 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is structurally upset?

Just like fundamentally upset with him, not a one-off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extreme anger, big fights and thrown objects are not safe for you or your toddler. I agree that a separation is in order, at least until your husband gets the therapy and meds he needs. I'm sorry, OP. Good luck.

He has been taking medicine since June. It's having some effect in that he is more engaged with the baby - before, he would have problems getting out of bed on the weekend b/c he was so depressed. But meds have not helped his irritability.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, none of this is likely to prevent him getting 50/50 custody of the toddler if he pushes for it.

Are you in contact with his neuropsych? If he is having meds prescribed by a GP he needs more expertise. It sounds like a med change or adjustment is in order.

CBT or DBT can be more helpful, talk therapy can make things worse as you are seeing play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The meds need to be adjusted. It’s really hard. He needs to go back to whoever is prescribing them. It may take a few more adjustments.

Is he exercising regularly? That can also help, but not if it’s not done.

I’m sorry.

What kind of meds?

He exercises 3 times a week.

[Anonymous]

He needs medication and therapy immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, none of this is likely to prevent him getting 50/50 custody of the toddler if he pushes for it.

Are you in contact with his neuropsych? If he is having meds prescribed by a GP he needs more expertise. It sounds like a med change or adjustment is in order.

CBT or DBT can be more helpful, talk therapy can make things worse as you are seeing play out.

I am sure he would get 50/50 custody b/c he does more direct chidcare b/c I work many hours.

I am not in contact with his neuropsych- is that customary? Can I get in touch.

What is DBT?

[Anonymous]

I was behaving exactly the same way and I changed my medications.

Wellbutrin, lexapro, celexa, buspar and many others caused me to become very irritable.

It all disappeared when I started using Viibryd. The issues went out by the third day. Like
Magic. thank

Zero issues in five months, when I started using it. Zero irritable behaviors or arguments with my wife.

Super expensive, but totally worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs medication and therapy immediately.

He's getting both but the meds have only partially improve the situation.

Therapy is hopefully helping him but making the relationship worse b/c he comes worked up on my flaws from his therapist and then becomes even more argumentative when we have any disagreement and asks for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/male-depression/art-20046216

OP you may find NAMI a source of info and support.

His depression is not being adequately addressed by his current approach. Irritability is a very common sign of depression in men and he is describing feelings of depression. It needs to be brought up with his doctor, often meds need to be tweaked or changed. His therapist does not sound like that approach is helping.

How is his work life? Do you work? If you do, focus on keeping a stable career for yourself.