Husband's Depression is Ruining our Relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was behaving exactly the same way and I changed my medications.

Wellbutrin, lexapro, celexa, buspar and many others caused me to become very irritable.

It all disappeared when I started using Viibryd. The issues went out by the third day. Like
Magic. thank

Zero issues in five months, when I started using it. Zero irritable behaviors or arguments with my wife.

Super expensive, but totally worth it.

Thans, I'll look into it. He's taking lexapro now.

[Anonymous]

DBT is a type of therapy that has shown benefit re: depression. It does not sound like talk therapy is helping.

His irritability may well be directed at DC at some point and his depression may impact his job and other relationships too.

It is common for a spouse to give feedback to a treating neuropsych as to how medication is working, side effects, etc. You should talk with DH about attending an appointment. The current approach sounds like both meds and therapy need to be tweaked.

Does DH work?

[Anonymous]

It’s not a solution, but I can share my own experience. My husband went through depression after the birth of our second child. We were in survival mode for a year. After he healed it took 2-3 more years to put the marriage back together. I had to process some of the abusive things he said. I had to move on and heal. Long process, but we’re now in a good — even great — place.

It was truly unbearable at the time, and I felt very alone. I honestly stayed because with two kids and a job I didn’t have time to think of a plan, I just went from day to day. Mental health is a very tricky thing, I can imagine if you have a young kid and COVID this could be partly a situational depression but it sounds like it’s very bad. I can’t tell you what to do but I just wanted to say I see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was behaving exactly the same way and I changed my medications.

Wellbutrin, lexapro, celexa, buspar and many others caused me to become very irritable.

It all disappeared when I started using Viibryd. The issues went out by the third day. Like
Magic. thank

Zero issues in five months, when I started using it. Zero irritable behaviors or arguments with my wife.

Super expensive, but totally worth it.

Thans, I'll look into it. He's taking lexapro now.

There’s also some blood test where you can figure out which medications might be best. It’s a new thing… maybe you can ask around.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is feeling displaced by the child, it’s very common with men. That plus the increased real world responsibility can prompt a fight or flight reaction, which he seems to be having. Sorry this is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband suffers from depression. He had episodes in the past but the pandemic has prompted what has been the worst depression of his life. We also have a toddler born during the pandemic. His depression manifests through extreme anger at times - he is almost always highly irritable with me and we had a few big fights where he threw objects at me, called me terrible names and called for divorce. He started taking medication but it's not working. I became structurally upset with him due to his anger and as such, my resentment is obvious and this is leading to a permanent state of tension. Some days he is feeling better, other days, he is always snappish with me and anything can set off a huge fight. He started speaking with a therapist - I was hoping that would help him but since he started therapy he brings up a divorce more frequently b/c I think he obviously vents about me and I am not perfect but he probably takes it ad litteram. He told me he only sees darkness, he no longer feels remorse or love other than for the baby. Intellectually he know he loves me, and he feels bad if he throws stuff at me or calls me names but emotionally he said, he just sees darkness. He is a great father. He is a great guy. I could have never imagined that depression can ruin him and us. Any solutions out there? Please.

Did his regular doctor or GP diagnose this depression?
If so and it a PhD psychologist, he needs a full neuropsychology exam. That will Dx the root issues, depression is just an output/ negative coping mechanism for his underlying disorder(s).

Do the test- get in the list w an insurance place- so all bases are covered and he can do pinpointed therapy. General therapy may not work, esp if the therapist is not experienced or educated in diagnosing mental disorders (different skill than talk therapy!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was behaving exactly the same way and I changed my medications.

Wellbutrin, lexapro, celexa, buspar and many others caused me to become very irritable.

It all disappeared when I started using Viibryd. The issues went out by the third day. Like
Magic. thank

Zero issues in five months, when I started using it. Zero irritable behaviors or arguments with my wife.

Super expensive, but totally worth it.

My doctor said a generic is due out in January. He should consider ECT right now. It turned my nephew, also a great guy, from suicidal back to his normal self. It’s likr it rebooted his brain. It is nothing like the electroconvulsive (shock) treatment shown in movies such as One Flew Over the Cuckoos nest. https://tmslosangeles.com/ect-electroconvulsive-therapy/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was behaving exactly the same way and I changed my medications.

Wellbutrin, lexapro, celexa, buspar and many others caused me to become very irritable.

It all disappeared when I started using Viibryd. The issues went out by the third day. Like
Magic. thank

Zero issues in five months, when I started using it. Zero irritable behaviors or arguments with my wife.

Super expensive, but totally worth it.

Thans, I'll look into it. He's taking lexapro now.

FYI first 2-3 weeks in lexapro are not good, then once in the bloodstream at a constant rate and used to it, things are better. Do NOT skip doses. Do NOT cold Turkey stop; must ween off it. It should work for general anxiety or depression or sleep issues.
It might lessen the anger outbursts from autism, bipolar, borderline, schitzo, etc. if those are anxiety-driven not personality disorder/narcissism driven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The meds need to be adjusted. It’s really hard. He needs to go back to whoever is prescribing them. It may take a few more adjustments.

Is he exercising regularly? That can also help, but not if it’s not done.

I’m sorry.

What kind of meds?

He exercises 3 times a week.

This is a discussion with his psychiatrist. There are many different medications that address depression. It’s all about finding the right dosage and combination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband suffers from depression. He had episodes in the past but the pandemic has prompted what has been the worst depression of his life. We also have a toddler born during the pandemic. His depression manifests through extreme anger at times - he is almost always highly irritable with me and we had a few big fights where he threw objects at me, called me terrible names and called for divorce. He started taking medication but it's not working. I became structurally upset with him due to his anger and as such, my resentment is obvious and this is leading to a permanent state of tension. Some days he is feeling better, other days, he is always snappish with me and anything can set off a huge fight. He started speaking with a therapist - I was hoping that would help him but since he started therapy he brings up a divorce more frequently b/c I think he obviously vents about me and I am not perfect but he probably takes it ad litteram. He told me he only sees darkness, he no longer feels remorse or love other than for the baby. Intellectually he know he loves me, and he feels bad if he throws stuff at me or calls me names but emotionally he said, he just sees darkness. He is a great father. He is a great guy. I could have never imagined that depression can ruin him and us. Any solutions out there? Please.

This is beyond depression. It’s something else, he needs a real diagnosis before you are divorcing him and the family courts force him to get a battery of psych exams if he wants any custody.

Document everything, with doctors, video, notebook, witnesses, nanny cams.

Divorce threats of abandonment are enough for many Moms to walk.

How are his executive functioning skills? Or common sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DBT is a type of therapy that has shown benefit re: depression. It does not sound like talk therapy is helping.

His irritability may well be directed at DC at some point and his depression may impact his job and other relationships too.

It is common for a spouse to give feedback to a treating neuropsych as to how medication is working, side effects, etc. You should talk with DH about attending an appointment. The current approach sounds like both meds and therapy need to be tweaked.

Does DH work?

He works. He is doing well at work.

I think he would see my desire to attend the appointment as controlling.

He does not want to change meds.

The only thing he is willing to try to is psychedelics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband suffers from depression. He had episodes in the past but the pandemic has prompted what has been the worst depression of his life. We also have a toddler born during the pandemic. His depression manifests through extreme anger at times - he is almost always highly irritable with me and we had a few big fights where he threw objects at me, called me terrible names and called for divorce. He started taking medication but it's not working. I became structurally upset with him due to his anger and as such, my resentment is obvious and this is leading to a permanent state of tension. Some days he is feeling better, other days, he is always snappish with me and anything can set off a huge fight. He started speaking with a therapist - I was hoping that would help him but since he started therapy he brings up a divorce more frequently b/c I think he obviously vents about me and I am not perfect but he probably takes it ad litteram. He told me he only sees darkness, he no longer feels remorse or love other than for the baby. Intellectually he know he loves me, and he feels bad if he throws stuff at me or calls me names but emotionally he said, he just sees darkness. He is a great father. He is a great guy. I could have never imagined that depression can ruin him and us. Any solutions out there? Please.

This is beyond depression. It’s something else, he needs a real diagnosis before you are divorcing him and the family courts force him to get a battery of psych exams if he wants any custody.

Document everything, with doctors, video, notebook, witnesses, nanny cams.

Divorce threats of abandonment are enough for many Moms to walk.

How are his executive functioning skills? Or common sense?

I think he would get 50/50 custody b/c I work many hours so he has primary childcare responsibilities.

His executive functioning skills are ok.

I think it's depression plus intermittent explosive disorder or depression with a high irritability component. More prevalent in men.

I can't reach him though.

He is in a different world now.

I don't know what to do.

If this does not get treated and we divorce, he could act this way with the baby too. I don't think he would ever throw things at him. But he could just be snappish all the time when it hits him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a solution, but I can share my own experience. My husband went through depression after the birth of our second child. We were in survival mode for a year. After he healed it took 2-3 more years to put the marriage back together. I had to process some of the abusive things he said. I had to move on and heal. Long process, but we’re now in a good — even great — place.

It was truly unbearable at the time, and I felt very alone. I honestly stayed because with two kids and a job I didn’t have time to think of a plan, I just went from day to day. Mental health is a very tricky thing, I can imagine if you have a young kid and COVID this could be partly a situational depression but it sounds like it’s very bad. I can’t tell you what to do but I just wanted to say I see you.

Thanks for sharing. What did he do go get better?

[Anonymous]

The big red flag for me here is that you have “huge fights.” Usually it takes two people to have a huge fight. There are ways to stand up for yourself and set boundaries that aren’t yelling. If you’re routinely yelling at each other, that’s so unhealthy for both of you. You’re going to have to work on that if you want to bring the relationship back. You should probably be in couples counseling and individual therapy too.

[Anonymous]

So sorry this is happening 😢...take care.