Thanksgiving - do I continue to put out effort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t do it. Your family is emotionally stunted. You will have to come to grips with that and act accordingly.
But you could have left out the comment about your daughter being frustrated with her special needs cousin. That’s child’s purpose in life is not to be your kid’s playmate. Great time to start teaching your kid compassion, empathy and respecting and understanding of difference.

OP here. I fully understand that, I was giving the full context as there are no other kids for her to interact with. The full context. We had a BBQ that I hosted this summer after we hadn’t seen anyone for a long time due to covid and we had a long talk about it - I went out of my way to find the right way to talk about it.

Ok then just don’t do it. Seriously, just don’t.
It is that SIMPLE. It may not be easy but it is very simple. You are actually torturing yourself more with this back and forth, what do I do, asking the Internet.
You do that so it distracts you from making the decision and facing the fact that you do not have the family of origin that you want.
Deal with it, it will not hurt as much as how you are dragging this out.

[Anonymous]

No. It sounds like your family might be feeling like Thanksgiving with your family is an obligation. It stinks, but that’s the vibe they’re giving. Your DD doesn’t need to have ungrateful family around for Thanksgiving to feel special. In fact, we don’t even do turkey anymore because my kids don’t like it. But we have a big, special, fancy meal that everyone is excited to eat. Giving thanks is about gratitude, so why force yourself to be around people and do things that don’t give you joy?

[Anonymous]

Ugh your family sounds very sad and dysfunctional Op. I’m sorry you don’t have the big, warm family gatherings you wish you did. I know how you feel. When I was growing up my grandparents (moms side) would host a big thanksgiving meal and our whole large extended family came and it was so much fun…playing card games, playing football in the yard, lots of music and lively conversation. Some of my best childhood memories. But after my grandfather died and my grandmother got too old to host on her own the tradition just died out. My parents and aunts and uncles either didn’t continue it bc without my grandparents to tie everyone together and kind of get the party going, there just wasn’t enough impetus to put on such a big event anymore.

My mom isn’t that close w her siblings and she’s also not a very social person herself and never has been the type to host. I also am the eldest of 3 and have 2 younger adult brothers, one of whom is single and lives at home w my parents, the other is married and has 1 kid but is very aloof and uninterested in having much of a relationship w me or my family…it sucks. I wish I could give my kids those fun, big family events that are such good memories for me but we just don’t have that type of family anymore. And truly I think it’s pretty rare to have that. My husbands family is even smaller and more disconnected than mine. And most of my friends live far away from family and hardly see each other. It is what it is unfortunately. It shouldn’t be on you to be the only one trying to keep this going if no one else will put in any effort.

[Anonymous]

Girl we have two chances to have a happy family. The one we’re born into and the one we create. Focus on being the mother now. Make the holiday happy for you and your nuclear family. You will feel so free!

[Anonymous]

tell them all to go to hell? NO
use covid as an excuse NO

Get your head on straight, Op. You have a preference to not host Thanksgiving, so say it. "I'm not going to be hosting Thanksgiving". Don't be such a weenie like your Brothers - don't make up excuses. Don't be a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl we have two chances to have a happy family. The one we’re born into and the one we create. Focus on being the mother now. Make the holiday happy for you and your nuclear family. You will feel so free!

Wow, not OP, but this very clarifying! Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did it. Short and sweet, "I'm pregnant, covid etc". If it falls apart after this year so be it. We can easily put together a friendsgiving.

I knew deep down what to do but just needed to write it all down (DH has heard it all too many times).

That's good. I was going to say don't even mention. You might have been surprised that no one else did either. For years I attend Thanksgiving at my sister's house because she invited me and I felt obligated but truly would have been fine not going. One year she didn't invite, and I just felt relief.

This. It's a moot point now but I kept wanting to ask if the rest of the family actually wants this or asks for it. I feel obligated to attend these big, elaborate, stressful holiday meals that relatives throw every year but really I could do without them. It's my one day off work that week and I spend hours sitting through an awkward meal as everyone texts / watches YouTube at the table, then hand washing tons of dishes. Happy holidays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you just don't like hosting thanksgiving. I agree that Thanksgiving is a ton of work, but most people do it because they like getting together with their family and eating a big meal despite all of the work it entails. I'm fine with you cancelling it, but I think that you could also just have a more low key Thanksgiving with whomever you want to invite as well. Have most of the food catered, don't go crazy on making extra stuff unless you want to. Either way, do what will make you and your family happy.

you couldn't be more wrong - OP here. I LOVE the holidays. My house is the one on halloween that is extra decorated with tons of candy, I went all out for the last 5 Thanksgivings with music and games and custom place settings and tons of food and sides. Christmas is a 3 day event for my DD. What is a DRAG is that my family does not care at all. They take it all for granted and literally show up, eat, and leave. They don't speak to each other. It's me literally trying to initiate fun games and get conversation going and 3 or 4 of them in front of a TV an the others just uttering pleasantries and going. I have dreamt for years that my brothers would get SO's and they could add something to the day - like conversation or additional kids. All I want is a house full of people that love each other and truly want to eat, drink and be merry. They are miserable people.

Good for you, OP. You didn’t need permission from DCUM at all. You had already recognized what you needed to do. Between now and next year’s holiday season, I recommend that you focus on the people who bring you joy and try to bring them more fully into your life. I’m sorry your family of origin are so dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl we have two chances to have a happy family. The one we’re born into and the one we create. Focus on being the mother now. Make the holiday happy for you and your nuclear family. You will feel so free!

Wow, not OP, but this very clarifying! Thank you!

+1000

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP. I hope you have an amazing Thanksgiving. You deserve it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you just don't like hosting thanksgiving. I agree that Thanksgiving is a ton of work, but most people do it because they like getting together with their family and eating a big meal despite all of the work it entails. I'm fine with you cancelling it, but I think that you could also just have a more low key Thanksgiving with whomever you want to invite as well. Have most of the food catered, don't go crazy on making extra stuff unless you want to. Either way, do what will make you and your family happy.

you couldn't be more wrong - OP here. I LOVE the holidays. My house is the one on halloween that is extra decorated with tons of candy, I went all out for the last 5 Thanksgivings with music and games and custom place settings and tons of food and sides. Christmas is a 3 day event for my DD. What is a DRAG is that my family does not care at all. They take it all for granted and literally show up, eat, and leave. They don't speak to each other. It's me literally trying to initiate fun games and get conversation going and 3 or 4 of them in front of a TV an the others just uttering pleasantries and going. I have dreamt for years that my brothers would get SO's and they could add something to the day - like conversation or additional kids. All I want is a house full of people that love each other and truly want to eat, drink and be merry. They are miserable people.

Damn! Can we join you for Thanksgiving???? LOL That sounds like a wonderful event. Kuddos to you for all that effort and fun and I’m so sorry it went so unappreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP. I hope you have an amazing Thanksgiving. You deserve it!

+1

[Anonymous]

You absolutely made the right decision.