Thanksgiving - do I continue to put out effort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe these far fetched stories

I believe them - I've lived this scenario myself. What is unbelievable is that an adult comes to a forum like this and asks if it's ok to stop.

Vent away if you want op but it's ridiculous to need the validation of people online.

[Anonymous]

"I'm pregnant and tired so this year I'm planning to just do thanksgiving with dh and my kids. We'll miss you guys, hope you have a great time!"

It's totally fine to do what works for you, even in families where everyone gets along and enjoys each other people take a year off. I get that maybe you were saying that cousins are not a draw for this event because your niece doesn't play with your daughter, but it does sound low to complain about your niece. Her parents are likely not coming down on her because they don't want her to completely melt down-lots of people and being off schedule are not ideal so they may be doing the best they can to ensure eveyone has an okay visit.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did it. Short and sweet, "I'm pregnant, covid etc". If it falls apart after this year so be it. We can easily put together a friendsgiving.

I knew deep down what to do but just needed to write it all down (DH has heard it all too many times).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did it. Short and sweet, "I'm pregnant, covid etc". If it falls apart after this year so be it. We can easily put together a friendsgiving.

I knew deep down what to do but just needed to write it all down (DH has heard it all too many times).

Atta girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quit obsessing about Thanksgiving. It’s a day. You are exhausted and it’s ok not to host. It is. Just drop the rope. Send a message today “hello all. I wanted to let everyone know so that you can feel free to make other plans. We will not be hosting a Thanksgiving meal this year. I love you all. Hopefully we’ll get to see one another at Christmastime.”

That’s it. No need to explain or excuse make. They are adults. Let them make their own plans or wake up to realize they value the role you played and would try to fill the void. But honestly, if you didn’t have family Thanksgiving last year because of COVID and everyone isn’t clamoring for it now, I
I think it will be just fine. Start a new tradition with just your small family or invite over another small family of one of your daughter’s friends.

+1

+2

Also note - this is so far away from anything remotely close to “telling them all to go to hell.” You could also do this if you adored your whole completely functional, loving, appreciative family. Not feeling up to hosting or not enjoying it or looking forward to it is plenty of a reason not to do it!!

[Anonymous]

Good for you! Now you can relax. I have two boys at home and I pray I’m doing the right things so that I don’t wind up with two failure to launch manchilds in my home when I’m old. What did your parents do wrong, in your opinion, OP? Clearly they messages different things based on gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did it. Short and sweet, "I'm pregnant, covid etc". If it falls apart after this year so be it. We can easily put together a friendsgiving.

I knew deep down what to do but just needed to write it all down (DH has heard it all too many times).

Atta girl.

+1 good job. I disinvited my parents from Christmas Day when I had kids and it is the best. Make new traditions with your family. You’ve got this!

[Anonymous]

Not only would I not host I would not utter one word about it just to see what happens/if anyone asks you about it.

That would a fascinating little experiment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did it. Short and sweet, "I'm pregnant, covid etc". If it falls apart after this year so be it. We can easily put together a friendsgiving.

I knew deep down what to do but just needed to write it all down (DH has heard it all too many times).

That's good. I was going to say don't even mention. You might have been surprised that no one else did either. For years I attend Thanksgiving at my sister's house because she invited me and I felt obligated but truly would have been fine not going. One year she didn't invite, and I just felt relief.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you just don't like hosting thanksgiving. I agree that Thanksgiving is a ton of work, but most people do it because they like getting together with their family and eating a big meal despite all of the work it entails. I'm fine with you cancelling it, but I think that you could also just have a more low key Thanksgiving with whomever you want to invite as well. Have most of the food catered, don't go crazy on making extra stuff unless you want to. Either way, do what will make you and your family happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did it. Short and sweet, "I'm pregnant, covid etc". If it falls apart after this year so be it. We can easily put together a friendsgiving.

I knew deep down what to do but just needed to write it all down (DH has heard it all too many times).

Good job.

OP I hope I don’t hurt your feelings but it doesn’t sound as though your family is going to care one way or another. Maybe that’s not true and it’s just how it was briefly described in your post. But I hope that if your announcement of not hosting was met with complete indifference, that you can move past any pain that might cause. Like PP said, you DO have family. Your husband, child and this new baby. Cherish and focus your energies on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you just don't like hosting thanksgiving. I agree that Thanksgiving is a ton of work, but most people do it because they like getting together with their family and eating a big meal despite all of the work it entails. I'm fine with you cancelling it, but I think that you could also just have a more low key Thanksgiving with whomever you want to invite as well. Have most of the food catered, don't go crazy on making extra stuff unless you want to. Either way, do what will make you and your family happy.

you couldn't be more wrong - OP here. I LOVE the holidays. My house is the one on halloween that is extra decorated with tons of candy, I went all out for the last 5 Thanksgivings with music and games and custom place settings and tons of food and sides. Christmas is a 3 day event for my DD. What is a DRAG is that my family does not care at all. They take it all for granted and literally show up, eat, and leave. They don't speak to each other. It's me literally trying to initiate fun games and get conversation going and 3 or 4 of them in front of a TV an the others just uttering pleasantries and going. I have dreamt for years that my brothers would get SO's and they could add something to the day - like conversation or additional kids. All I want is a house full of people that love each other and truly want to eat, drink and be merry. They are miserable people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hells no!
Have your own Thanksgiving with DH and DC and make your own traditions.

+1, and no need to apologize or blame covid or the pregnancy. You are just done with it, and it doesn't seem that will change in 2022. In 2022 you will likely still do your own thing, or vacation, or someone else will step up. Just be done, you did your part!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the women overwhelmed by holiday hosting need to get a little more assertive and introspective. You probably ended up hosting because you value tradition and holidays and family. You probably enjoy being the hostess on some level, and there are benefits to hosting (mainly not having to travel.) Your family has come to rely on you doing this probably because you’ve always been more capable and organized, because you appear to be the person who cares the most, and because sexism/laziness.

Unless you actually know what you want and assert it, you’ll never get what you want. Childishly going on strike or silently resenting your family isn’t going to get you what you want.

So ask for what you want: someone else to host? Potluck at your house? Someone to cohost with you? Get it catered at your house and everyone pitches in on the cost?

I agree with this. What exactly do you want, OP? If it is to not host and not see your family, okay… but it sounds like you do want those things just to be better than they are right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you just don't like hosting thanksgiving. I agree that Thanksgiving is a ton of work, but most people do it because they like getting together with their family and eating a big meal despite all of the work it entails. I'm fine with you cancelling it, but I think that you could also just have a more low key Thanksgiving with whomever you want to invite as well. Have most of the food catered, don't go crazy on making extra stuff unless you want to. Either way, do what will make you and your family happy.

you couldn't be more wrong - OP here. I LOVE the holidays. My house is the one on halloween that is extra decorated with tons of candy, I went all out for the last 5 Thanksgivings with music and games and custom place settings and tons of food and sides. Christmas is a 3 day event for my DD. What is a DRAG is that my family does not care at all. They take it all for granted and literally show up, eat, and leave. They don't speak to each other. It's me literally trying to initiate fun games and get conversation going and 3 or 4 of them in front of a TV an the others just uttering pleasantries and going. I have dreamt for years that my brothers would get SO's and they could add something to the day - like conversation or additional kids. All I want is a house full of people that love each other and truly want to eat, drink and be merry. They are miserable people.

You want them to be different people than they are. No criticism from me. Your family sounds a lot like mine, except no one would actually make the effort to travel to see me.